The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Strange to sit here and not know what to say. It's that way becuz it is all feelings.
Have expresssed how much harder it is this time, to find my foundation again. It was so easy for the disease to play me. Let's let him out of the cocoon for awhile, let her have a taste of her soul mate, her lover. Then when she has opened up the gate to her heart and life,we will show how treacherous we can be, how we had control allll along.
It brought me closer to death than I have ever been. Felt it all go by me in my mind, my kids growing up, my mother laughing and grimacing at me for being silly. Seeing my first husband walking in, or swaggering in with his huge smile and Louisiana drawl. My now husband chasing me, coming to me, always there. Until the time he was gone, really gone.
Saw it all and more. My memories flooded me. I don't know what brought me back.
All I know now is I work very hard. I look up and see the cobwebs and think, gads how does one do this life alone? Yes it is better to not have the A here. However I have to.
I do my best not to think about I am sitting in a chair at night watching tv, and online , alone in my house. Or when I wake up in the morn, and STILL miss our cuddle time.
It is like there is this well of tears behind my eyes, and at anytime, I just let go, and they roll down my cheeks.
Yep I am using all my skills, taking care of me, working hard, resting when I need to,loving the ones I love.
But then I see him sitting crosslegged playing his guitar, masterfully, thoughtfully, looking so serene. Sitting with friends laughing, holding our babies.
I see him older, rugged, wrinkles, handsome, kissing me hello, kissing me goodbye. Making me laugh.
I don't need him to make me happy, I plain miss him. Feels like a hole is in my gut.
This time is oh so much harder. Is it becuz I am older, things like getting out of my chair are so much harder too? Is it seeing other middle aged lovers who go camping and fishing, play with the grand babies, and tease each other and have spats?
All I know is I love life, but right now I am tired so I just cannot hold back the tears, cannot handle this pain.
A deputy sheriff came to ,our house looking for him, I said,"I am looking for him too." Even if i find him, he won't be there. thank you for reading this.
I do not have words to say. I feel the tears in your words. I hold my tears in so much with my A. I will hide in my bathroom and release my tears because I cannot explain my tears at times
Debilyn: I think one of the incredible things that is so so hard about caring for an alcoholic is knowing they are destroying themselves and fast.
I can only imagine what it is like to wait for the knock on the door and know it.
Today the A's mother gave me a whole bunch of wine. He has a major major liver disorder. He should never ever be anywhere near wine. I do not even register it anymore. My detachment is so complete I no longer fly into the reaction I lived in. I have my moments believe me when I am on my ceiling but they are not day and night. I am not stuck to him with rage like superglue and I am not hoping and praying he will recover either. It is all in his hands. I no longer take on his issues as mine. They are not mine, they are his. I give him that much respect.
I also know that I invested tons of energy into the relationship. I cared, I gave and I gave and then I gave when I had nothing else to give and I gave when he stomped on me in so many ways.
In some ways my issues are about being willing to kill myself for a relationship. I am no longer wiling to do that. I am no longer willing to hurt and kill myself to make him feel better.
I am glad that you are not out there "looking". He has his choices he knows them.
I also know I have an incredible fear of being old and alone. At the same time I know being with the A is in some levels far far worse than being alone. It is for me totally abandoning me on so many levels. I come last in this partnership if you can call it that, dictatorship more like it. I am no longer willing to come last. I was before. I was willing to do anything to save it.
For me there is nothing left to save. I know where the A is headed, death it is certain. You don't drink with a liver disorder. I know his life expectancy is not great if he continues on.
I am glad for you that you are not in the middle of that craziness. I am also so sad you are lonely and vulnerable and not well. I know for me being ill and alone is hugely frightening. In some ways being ill and with the A is more abandoning though. He will never help me when I am sick so why bother?
I know also that my own compulsion to do whatever it takes to save the relationship is a obsession and I am willing to let it go, plan for for whatever it takes, if it takes 3 weeks great, it if takes months (as it probably will thats great too but I have a choice today..). . I am not going anywhere my next move is out of here. I don't know how I will do it but keep on coming here and taking one step at a time, out of here and I have no idea some days how to manifest it but I keep doing something, anything every day and most days I feel stronger and more resolute about that choice. I also know along the way there is ambivalence, there is sadness, there is why do I have to do this. There is lots of stuff I have to deal with and the joy for me is that I get to do that. I get to have that space here with you and with others who dont' judge me, tell me I shoudl do what they say, order me around, pathologise me, tell me off, tell me to try harder, whatever. I get to have a life when I never really had one at all.
The grief process can be longer than for some than for others.
You are mourning a death...the death of your relationship, your dreams of growing old together with him healthy, and your hope...that he would get well.
Let the tears flow, they can be healing.
That is sad that the deputy sheriff came looking for him, that is probably not good. That probably did not help your hope any. I am sure you don't want to give up ALL hope.
Take some comfort in the fact that he still loves you and respects you enough to stay away from you when he is using and knows he does not want to do the work to really get well. He COULD be the type to try and manipulate you and con you out of all of your money or just steal it. Or use you, pretend to be sober and then go out and do as he pleases. He is staying away...to not bring that mess around you.
Just realize this is part of the grieving process and it will hurt a LOT but eventually you will get better.
Staying busy should not be a problem for you, LOL. Take comfort in the fact that you have Mac, your loving son should things get too much for you. So, you are OK for now and you have an "emergency plan" in Mac...you are a lot better off than a lot of people.
I know that does not help the hole you feel in your heart, but one day these things will bring more comfort to you.
I know you feel certain that your husband would NEVER cheat on you. I feel so much sympathy for you in this! I thought the same noble things about my first husband, really, I SO relate to that feeling! That assuredness that someone could not be so thoroughly rotten as to do somethign they KNOW you so strongly despise and that would be the death knell to your love together. Sadly that only meant I played the idiot for quite a few months as he cavorted with woman all over town while I stayed home sick from being pregnant. I was the laughing stock of the entire town. To this day people approach me to tell me of things they knew and their shock that I was so oblivios. I believed his lies for nearly a year.
Then a friend pointed out to me that most women don't spend time alone at home with married men to talk about the weather...DUH!
I am not saying anything about your husband, I don't know him, but having been in your shoes...just things to think about...
You say your husband is now living with his old girlfriend...
Did you ever think about her motivation to feed and clothe him and let him stay with her? Is she running a homeless shelter with state funds or something? is she running a bording house? Is it free?
Most women will not let a man live with them with no real job or money unless they have some type of relationship. And that relationship is usually NOT platonic, no matter how the married man tries to make you think it is.
If you husband is a "full functional man" then who do you think is taking care of his "needs" in that area? Especially when an old girlfriend is right there ready?
Just things to think about dear friend...I don't know any of these answers...only YOU do.
I am just bringing these things up to you to give you some hope. Perhaps you will be free to divorce him one day soon...and find love with someone else.
You have SO much to offer Debilyn! You are kind, honest, hard working, and have so much wisdom. It would be so great if you could find a fellow animal lover such as yourself to help you take care of Eden and YOU .
I hope you don't take offense at anythign I just wrote. I remember when I was in your shoes, defending my scoundral husband's honor to the bitter end and how even though I was not ready to listen at the time, it was a good thing for true friends to try and help me work through my denial.
Well whatever the situation is, I just hope and pray you find happiness one day soon.
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and sending hugs your way. Try and minimize your load a little at Eden if possible you are not emotionally and physically up to it at the moment. Luv Leo xxx
I understand your thoughts, I have them too. A big hug from me and a 4 inch wide sloppy mastiff kiss ( maybe facewash is a better term ) from Sully. Plus lots of loving thoughts and prayers from us too.
(((Deb)))) How your words touched my soul. It is exactly the feeling I get, those of us who love the A's we cannot reach. Our husbands who are husbands in our hearts, but not in the physical sense. The longing that always remains for them. For how long? I do not know. I have days with glimpses of my AH, with him here being good and kind....being him. Then he goes away again, the alcohol takes him in and distorts the person he is, and the sorrow takes over.
I will write to you more tomorrow, dear friend. My AH is here right now, running and and out, and I know he hates me being here in this Al-Anon place, so I must go for now.
I really liked your post even though it made me cry. It feels good to cry instead of just holding back the tears. Your post said everything that I feel, that sometimes I cannot put in words.
(((Deb)))) I am so sorry for your loneliness. For me, I try to go on with my life, do what I need to do, work, rest, etc. But even when I am busy, I am lonely. Even with friends around, doing fun things I want to do, I am lonely. Even with my A here right beside me I am lonely, because most of the time "he" is not here. His body is, but not his mind. I miss the laughing, the working together, the making love, the kisses. Even when he is home, if he has 1 spare second, he runs across the street to his A friends' house. If I wasn't 1,000% sure, I would think he was in love with that guy. But, he's not. He's in love with beer, beer, beer. Sometimes I get a glimpse of him in love with me, but not often.
Last night, we watched Flight 93, about Sept. 11. I could NOT quit crying, even this morning. It made it all too real. And hubby and I were watching the TV in a cabin in the hills for our anniversary when that happened. We were watching when the 2nd plane hit, I was in the bathroom doorway brushing my teeth.
Anyway, I cried and cried, sobbed over that movie. That was reality, not just a show. All those lives lost, people who loved them. Somehow the survivors found a way to keep going, and find the strength. That is what I, and we, must do. As helpless at the family members were, to know their wives, husbands, children, siblings, went down in those planes, and they could not control what happened that day. We are not in control either. All we can do is help ourselves, and others in Al-Anon. We can continue to love our families and friends. Good must triumph over evil, somehow. Somehow.
My heart goes out to you and many ((((HUGGGSSS)))).
I can feel the depth of your pain, your loss. This is your soulmate it sounds like. Maybe it is a blessing that he isn't there though so you don't have to see him slowly killing himself.
I remember when someone told me on this site that their bottom may be death and to be prepared for anything. That made me so shocked but that is true. The reality of the situation is that like you, I CRAVE the life that my husband and I could have, growing old together, being so happy, etc., - but things are just not that way and may never be again. It is facing and accepting that.
You know when you meet that person at a party or somewhere, you know the type - the kind of person who is single, eccentric, and just wonderfully happy to be alive and they don't seem to need anyone? That is what I strive to be. You can give back joy to everyone around you, and live this life to the FULLEST! You can enjoy each moment as if it were your last, you can take care of your animals, and give and give and give your kindness and warmth.
Because it is in giving back that we receive. Life is so precious and short, and other people need you Debilyn. Thank you for your big heart and love.... there are so many people out there that need that love....
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