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After 6 years of the chaos,I asked my A to get into to rehab or move out...6 days ago. He of couse said rehab wasn't necessary...so he would move out. But nothing is in motion!....But I've flipped before and caved before...so I think he's waiting for me to cave again.
I feel strong and very determined to stop living with an active A. So, I haven't cooked or done laundry or spoken to him since he made his choice. I'm not giving any indication that I want him around. He used to use my vehicle instead of his (for vanity reasons)...and I've taken that from him.
Now...the big question. How do I get him out of my house without things getting ugly. The longer he tries to wait things out...the madder I get and I need to stay calm and detach with love or the guilt thing will happen to me. But I'm becoming frustrated (and not in control!)that he is not taking any visible steps to move out.
It's my home, but I don't want to call the police or anything. I don't want to cause a scene in front of my kids (10 and 12)either. I already have it planned on how I will explain his moving out...and I'm going to be as honest as necessary. I want to just explain that my A has made a choice about a very important issue that affects our lives and I strong disagree with it and can't tolerate it.
I sit here on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so happy I have made this decision, feeling so strong about the future, yet obsessed with getting him out. I keep thinking of the 3 C's and the Serenity Prayer. Is this something I have control over? Limbo is a horrible place to be stuck. I guess I feel it took so much to come to this decision..the longer he is in my face the harder it will be to get him out of here. Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there a KIND way of tossing someone out? I know there are other Co-dependants out there who even in the face of a raging alcoholic are still trying to "please". I want to embrass "detachment with love"...but I need physical detachment. What is a reasonable amount of time to give to him to find a new place to live? He has no family to turn to nearby...but funny, as many times as he's spent an entire night boozing and drugging with his "good" friends...where the heck are they? Why can't he count on them? So he can choose them over me for fun...but for living arrangements, no deal.
Do I sound desperate? Well I am. I am desperate to ditch this lifestyle, and move on. How can I expedite getting this A out?
Can't really help you, as this was one of the reasons I never gave my A that ultimatum - I knew he would not leave, and I couldn't figure out how to MAKE him.
This may be a situation where there is no nice way to do it - you may have to set a time limit (what is reasonable here would have to do with things like the housing situation around you, and so on - end of the month seems reasonable, though) and then say "If you aren't out by then the locks will be changed and your things will be put in storage" (or put out on the lawn, if you think you could stick to that ). If it is your house, you have the legal right to do this - what you need of course is the backbone and will to do it, (harder to find, I know).
Good luck to you, stick to your course - your kids deserve to live in peace, and to see that you value yourself and them enough to take measures necessary to take care of yourself.
I don't believe the police can kick the A out like that. I think the court can make him leave with a restraining order. Who knows?
Leaving is a tremendously difficult proposition. There are days when I am so so so glad that I am not married to the A. There are other days when I think we may as well be because we have so many ties together.
There are other days when I am totally in plan b. I am totally into what do I need to do next to move along with my plans.
Finances are a huge huge issue for me. Options are another. I work really hard to explore my options. There was a time when I was so paralyzed by not being able to accept my options that I could not even counternance leaving. I fell into a deep depression over it.
So I think its phenomenal you are doing both the emotional work of leaving and the practical work of what does it entail to separate.
I know for me it is a grieving process. There are times I am sad, there are times when I am very very angry. There are times when I do not want to do it for anything and there are time when I cannot wait for it to be over.
I am so so glad that al-anon can be there for you at this difficult time.
Only you know your situation and what would be best.
I had to kick my daughter (one of my As/drug user) out. I told her my boundaries (of what type of behavior I would tolerate in my house) and told her if she would not abide by my boundaries she had to find another place to live. I gave her a time limit - and then told her if she wasn't out on her own by that time limit that I would set her clothes outside and the locks would be changed. (I never had to go that far.)
