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I am at a lose of how to handle this. My daughter is hyperactive and sometimes comes home wound up. Some of the times it isn't from her getting into the foods shes not suppose to. Well my A drives me crazy with "What's she been into this time?" A lot of the time its just my daughter laughing and wound up like a typical child. MY A always assumes she's been into something shes not suppose. MY A will yell didnt you give her the pill. SHes on Adhd meds. She is a good kid actually an honor student. Yes she pushes me... but what 12 yr dont... My A takes things my daughter totally out of context... Like she'll be asking am I going to buy her the thing I said I was going to... I am trying to explain I just got done getting you a bunch of clothes so IM not getting the purse. I told her that she can purchase it if she likes with her own money... Meanwhile Ive got my A in the back ground mouthing off that she shouldnt even be asking. She is my daugher not my A's.
Hang in there, friend! Being the parent of emerging teens (most of them seem to be going on 21 already) is hard in the first place. Having a child with her situation just magnifies things, I am sure. I taught kids this age for 35 years. I loved the age group because they are what they are.....energetic and finding themselves. Just step back and count to ten and continue to explain things to her calmly. Having the A to deal with is probably what is making this even more frustrating for you. Even in the most perfect of stepfather relationships, things can often be difficult. I think your situation is just more complicated. Just talking about it on this board might have helped by now and remember that ADHD kids grow up. It is these combination years that make it so hard. Hang on!!!!
This looks like the perfect situation for that time honoured alanon response - "you could be right, I'll have to think about that" and then go on doing what you think is best.
Distracting attention from their own behaviour by finding fault in others is a classic A tactic. If you recognize this for what it is, it is easier for you to ignore it.
And of course, it wouldn't hurt to sometimes step back and take a look at your own behaviour around your daughter, and see if there is some truth in what he says. For myself, my alanon tendencies (over involvment, taking things too personally, obsession) showed up even more in my relationships with my kids than with my A. I hate to admit it, but sometimes he was right, in his criticisms.
Distracting attention from their own behaviour by finding fault in others is a classic A tactic.
Yep, that's exactly it. Along with their need to to find fault in others , it not only offers a distraction but somewhere in their sick psychy it allows them to percieve themselves as not all that bad if they can call attention to what wrongs others do.
Unfortunately your daughter is the victim. I would focus on how this critisizing makes her feel and try to explain the disease. Would she attend Alateen? Or at least the onlione meetings? It sounds like she has enough to deal with w/o this too.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am laughing due to the fact that I too have an ADHD daughter and remembering these sorts of discussions and scenes is a fun memory as she is grown now. Yes an ADHD daughter can be a wonderful delight to raise. My daughter is her own person, marches to the beat of her own drummer, and is really cool, even cooler than I was at that age if that is possible, LOL. She has written a letter to the editor that has been published, has written in a question to a nationally syndicated colum and had that and her name published, and has met a couple of celebrities, LOL. All things that I never got around to doing. I always saw the wonderful cool things in her, even during the ADHD trying times. I don't think my A ever did, even to this day.
My A too was not her real Dad and he also tried to keep the spotlight on her faults to a very unfair degree.
I finally nipped this in the bud with some pretty straight talk. I told him that since he was just a "step" Dad that he could come or go as he pleased while I was in it for the long haul since she was my biological child I would not let him run the show. He could divorce me and never see her again, I could not ever "get rid of" my own child (of course I would NOT want to!).
I told him that my child was not an "experiment" in child rearing methods that he cooked up, and then when things went wrong, cut and run. SO, things would be done MY way!
I would not let him wreck havoc with my child then after he had messed her up with bad parenting, take off and leave the me "holding the bag".
I don't see my daughter this way, but sometimes I thought that maybe he did.
I know a lot of people would disagree with this, but it worked for us and now that my daughter is grown I can see for sure that it worked well.
Maybe take him aside and tell him to mind his own business while you deal with YOUR child...patiently and lovingly as a parent should.
First of all, I was/am an ADD kid/adult. (Notice - no "H"). I can relate to your daughter, but I can also relate to you as a single parent. (My husband is not the father of my daughter - so I still view myself as a married single parent.)
I have had people who are not As talk to me the same way about my daughter as your A does to you. I found it so hard because I was doing my best to be a parent, then found that I had to deal with friends/family who thought "they knew best". I know they thought they were being supportive - when they were actually making things more difficult for me. It felt like they were constantly belittling my parenting skills.
((((HUGS))))
You are doing a great job. It sounds like your daughter is acting normally. Kids do ask for things - and hope for things - and push their parents' to their limits to see how much they can get. If your technique is to calmly explain things to your daughter - then that's great! You're providing consistency for your daughter in the way that you give her information. Children thrive on consistency. So give yourself a pat on the back!
As far as your A is concerned, I wish I had some words of wisdom. I have always been able to walk away to ignore my well-meaning friends and family. That helps me to physically get away. It didn't, however, help me to deal with my own feelings that came with my friend's comments.
Hello