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I'm letting it all out tonight, hope you all don't mind. My mother is dieing. She is all but gone now. My father who recently had a heart attack and open heart surgery is determined to keep her home. I look at her and my heart is just is so full of sadness. Last night my A came over (hoping for a spighetti dinner....augh) and I told him I needed to go to my mom's. It's been so difficult on the kids, they hate going over there...I completely understand. She can no longer walk, she talks but you can't understand her. She barely eats and is lossing her ablity to suck from a straw. She can't see .... it's just really bad. She's only 67.
Anyhow, the powerless things just isn't cutting it with this one. My father as goodhearted a man that he is, isn't doing what is best for her. He's still in denial and thinks that she will get better....this has been an 8 yr journey. It's not getting better. Have you ever seen stories where a caregiver is accused of abuse, but they say they love the one they are caring for. Well, it's not physical abuse, but he act like she is doing this to him, I can't seem to get him to realize that she isn't just being spiteful, that she can't help him when she needs to be moved, that she can't open her hands, that she needs someone to lift her (he can't because of his surgery) and raising cane at her isn't going to make her do whatever it is that he wants her to do. I'm so flipping frustrated. I've done everything in my power -- home health aide, medications, drs appt ... the works. I'm a single mom w/ two kids and an A husband that like to pop in and run the show when he wants. My life is so out of wack. My 10 yr old... oh help me... is beginning the signs of hormonal instablity LOL... can I pinch her head off???
When I got home my A pushes for me to talk about my folks, why do I think he cares? When I honestly didn't want to talk about it, he gets pissed. So I do, I just vent and ya know what? He cries. Says that is why he hasn't been by to see them. PLEASE!!! Then he gets up and gives me this hug that won't stop. I don't know .... I guess I'm just hardened to it. I received no comfort from him. It reminded me of the times he would cry about people or situations on his job....things like how he wasn't kept in the loop w/ personal employee crap. It just makes me sick. I just wanted to say "Okay, you can drive off now and leave me to my life and you can kick back and have your beer." Yes I'm angry. I don't have any wish that he was here helping me....I really don't. Just quit with the I'm so concerned crap -- UGH.
Today was a pretty good day .. other than my heater quit and finding out it's going to be a $600 repair -- I have that in pocket change NOT!!! Oh well, what do you do? Now this I'm truly powerless over and ya know what...I need heat. As I was saying, today was a pretty good day (got lost in the bump in the road) my brother took us out to dinner, we had a great time, we made plans for the entire weekend over dinner. It includes bowling and an area theme park trip. We're squeezing all this in w/ swim lessons, soccer game and church LOL... I'm going to need a day to recover. But I was so excited for me and the kids. Just to step away from all the YUCK of the A and what is going on w/ my parents.
So I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about how while we were making all these plans I was really thinking about what my A would say about making plans on Sunday (he visits the kids at our house), and I kept looking at my watch because he calls at 7 to speak to the kids...well kind of sort of.... he calls when it's convenient for him. I've gotten the big ta doo speech about if he's going to take the time to call then if I'm not going to be there than I should let him know (now it really doesn't work the other way around, he can call at 6, or 7 or 8, 9 or not at all) So I'm actually opening my phone to call him as we left the restuarant at 7:25 and it rings....it's him and he's all ready to give me the what for, but I let the air out of his balloon saying I was just calling you. Now please do you not see the insanity of all of this....this man left us 2 yrs ago, yet he wants to know where we are, what we are doing, and everything else. I tell him we'll call him when we get in, we're stopping off to a store to look at halloween costumes. We get home my daughter calls her dad, my son no longer want to talk to him, so he doesn't. The A learns we've eaten out and is irratated. I take the phone to tell him my son doesn't feel like talking and then my brother pulls up. Another thing to irratate my A. Do you see the insanity of it??? yesterday he was all concerned. Is it not insane that I should even be concerned about going to a theme park on Sunday...even if I invited him?
My A for a lack of a better word has trained us, trained me.....To be completely honest, I will not look at another man and avoid eye contact with any men that look my direction. I've lived in this abuse long enough. Good grief, he left us two years ago! I'm so sick of it. As much progress as I've made I've got a long way to go. I never thought I'd get to the point where I feel nothing for him. Yet to everyone else, he's a real good guy. I know we aren't suppose to blame our A's but he about destroyed me. I think back and I know why I am the way I am -- I also know I'm getting better.
Everything seems to be getting worse since I don't play into I'm okay, your okay games anymore. I allow my children to have their own feeling about this whole situation, my son no longer wants to talk to his dad...he's 8 yrs old. My daughter say things like, he doesn't live here when's he going to leave? I've got an appointment to see a lawyer in Nov. Seems like an eternity away. I also know that no matter what that brings if I don't stop allowing some of this crap that is going on ...it won't matter if we are divorced/separated he'll continue to do what he's doing because I allow it.
Okay, thank you for allowing me to vent. I'm not usually so "out there" but my brain is maxed out this evening. I'm just angry...and we're allowed to have our feelings right?? So that is what I am. I'm angry about my mother and her disease, I'm angry at my father for not wanting to face reality and I'm angry that I can't make him. I'm angry at myself for allowing my A to have so much control. And though I'm not angry at my daughter ... she sure is ticking me off by telling me I know nothing -- something I'm sure I'll here for the next 7-8 yrs.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. My heart goes out to you. You'll both be in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing today, your post is making me think about some things that are happening in my life. I wish I did not have to run off to work so i could meditate on it further.
It's great that you and the kids are getting out this weekend. My brother is a lifesaver, he always knows how to get me up and going, and laughing and moving ... sometimes running just to get away from him LOL
Have a great weekend, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Phew! A trying time for sure. "This too shall pass", hopefully before you pinch your daughter's head off..lol Like Rosanne said, This is why animals eat their young..lol
As far as you calling him or feeling that you need to report in..I think we all are so used to being the "responsible one" that the responsibility lines get blurred. I've noticed amongst the cody ways, we are the ones that make sure the bills are pd, make and keep appointments, be where we say we are going to be, etc. etc. We've been responsible for so much so long it becaomes habit. Just like we learned the habit, we can unlearn the things we no longer feel responsible for. Even after my A got sober and better I would call in his meds to the pharmacy, punching in the med numbers over the phone, punching in the time of pick-up, is this number correct? Can you be reached at this number?..blah blah He was on A LOT of meds so I'd be on the phone forever. Since he was sick for so long and mentally unable to do this himself I did it for a few mo. But then I realized he was better and I was still doing it. One of those "lightbulb, oh hell no" moments came to me. Ack!! just when I thought I'd given up my cody ways, I had been sucked back in.
Needless to say he is doing it himself now. But, it's those small things that irritate the heck out of you and you realize why, it's cuz you are still playing cody!! You are doing what you've always done. Guess what? You can Change it!!!! Time for new boundaries? You are no longer (nor were you ever) required to report in or be home at a certain time for the A's convenience.
My Dad is in a similar situation as yours, she is an invalid. My Dad gets really cranky too, but then he is consumed with caring for my Mom, has to do everything , cleaning, bills, caretaking, etc. He is most likely depressed, fearful, angry that this is what their retirement consists of. Loss of a dream, like so many of us have had. My Mom had a massive stroke at 54. Dad's been doing this for 18 yrs. He's tired, almost 80 yrs. old (thank God alert and healthy/strong). It pains me that he is stressed, tired, but reality is, it's his choice. He will not accept help. I suggested he at least have someone come in to help bathe Mom which is a huge pain in the arse. He said Why the hell would I do that"? Archie Bunker incarmate..lol He gets frustrated and gets mad at my Mom sometimes too, but my Mom can talk back. So, it's his choice, his life, his feelings to deal with. I know the frustration you are dealing with. It's a control issue for me and I recognize it as that. If Dad would just do what I say and get some help!!..LOL
Sit down and think about what your part is in these things. Then it's easier to let them go and be free of them.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 13:41, 2006-10-14
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can so understand your feelings.....sometimes it seems like everything in our world is falling apart...and we just have no control...you are doing great.....My prayers are with your mom..for whatever god has in store for her...and I am praying for you to find the strength to get thru it all....
As far as your husband, well luna it is just hell, and that is all I can say...The control they can have on our emotions in huge...I know at times it is so hard to let god and let go the thing is, we have to find a way to do it...it is within our power....
Your kids will be ok, my teens are having a very hard time, daughter misses her dad son hates him.....
Thank you so much Lunamoth and Christy for sharing. I am very sorry for your mother and your father as well.It'svery hard dealing with grief.Ging and having fun over the weekend was a great thig to do. In both of your posts I got quite a few eye openers. Like how one of your A's keeps track of despite he doesn't live with you anymore.....yes, me. Also I realized how damn manipulative my A is in getting me to do things for him. He reats me liek his secretary and if I say no, I get an earful...repeatedly until I do it just to make him shut up! And yes, some of them are simple things like phone calls which ihe is perfectly capable of doing himself,but my plate is so full, it is a big thing for me. Sad thing is, he uses these things against me if I need help. I get ill often and need help around the house or to pick up a few things in town and when I ask I get "well you didn't so this or that for me! why shoud I do this for you!" He has no idea the difference between laziness and not being well, so I get punished for it -.- So frustrating!!!!!
