I swear if I ever ever get into another relationship before I commit I want to look at the family issues.

As you all know the As mother decided to get married a few weeks ago.  Quite out of the blue.  Before then she had been the penltimate widow. She never dated anyone. She went to some reunion and came back and decided after a few phone calls to marry this guy.  Now before she did this she was insufferable. I had long long long ago given up trying to associate with her.  I had stopped going to holiday occasions with her. Nevertheless I have to say that she still dominated all holidays.  The A would spend all day with her regardless of what I wanted.  His birthday, every single holiday belonged to her. One we were on holiday the days when I had money oh what were they. He got up at the crack of dawn and out of nowhere insisted we had to return and it was to her house to sit with her like 12 hours before dinner.  Nowadays of course I have boundaries. 

Nevertheless this week has been trying. The phone calls have been numerous the demands on him are numerous. I have detached and detached and detached. Wild horses would not have dragged me to that reception.  I did not go. I would not go.

I have to say the resentment I have at her is hard to manage. She gave the A nothing, nada when he was very ill. That was a time I became even more enmeshed with him. He had no one. He had nothing. His family turned his back on him.  My rescue stuff went into high gear.  I did not feel I had the right to say no.

But when she needs something oh the demands. And of course she is the center of the universe.  I really work hard on not enquiring. I also work hard on knowing she is going to be gone and I will probably plan b permitting never have to see her again.  I also have to take responsibility  for my own rescuer stuff.

At the same  I do allow myself to be super irritated by her.  I know I know that in time lots of people get annoyed and fed up with those who manipulate them.  The A tends to get annoyed at her and take it out on me. He never shows her a moment of anger..ever. But I hear it..Oh I hear it.   I don't hear it directly of course. No he doesn't come home and say he is mad at it but I hear it in different ways.

And I am so livid that I ever allowed myself to get tangled up with such a self absorbed creep like this mother is.

I need her around like I need a hole in the head.  At the same time in two days she will be gone, sayanara. I will never have to see her again.  I have not seen her physically for years as it is except for one time she showed up on the doorstep and even then I chose not to speak to her.

I also know plan b permitting I will in time get away from the A and then I will never have to deal with her self absorption anymore either. I have had one row with the A over it. For me that is phenomenal there were entire holiday periods when it ate me alive the way she behaved. In fact I joined this group last year at christmas to try to deal with the intense loneliness I felt over his having to spend every second of every holiday with her.  I have no such fear of loneliness this holiday. I have this group. I do not need to over compensate anymore.

So for me this week is detaching by the second. Detaching from a relationship where I was always last.  Detaching from a woman who I consider horrible although the only thing she did to me was to be rude. What she did to the A was far worse.  She abandoned him on so many levels and her abandonment triggered my rescue mode which for me is deadly. If I am in rescue mode I will give away my last cent and for me that is total total disaster.

I hope other people will share what triggers their rescue mode. I know for me feeling I was the only one for the A when he was ill(which yeah is alcohol related) made me feel totally trapped. How could I leave him (he would leave me in a second if I was sick, he has abandoned me on so so many levels when I have been ill, upset, in a bad place he has absolutely no loyalty at all, there is not a scrap of reciprocity in this relationship).  I felt absolutely responsible for him when he was sicK. I also entertained the notion that he might appreciate it. He didn't. In fact he's always resented it.  He has always pooh poohed it minimized it and denied it. So much for my notion of love.  Yet I know I was absolutely incapable of saying No I cannot do that. When I am put in a situation like that I feel I have no right to have a boundary. And I  have to say I hate his mother for ignoring him when he was sick. I hate her for that far more than anything because the consequences to me were immense.

And I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to tell her because I certainly avoid her like the plaugue. The good thing for me in recovery is that I also avoid the scense, the resentment spilling over. I do voice it but not to him.  At the end of the day I have to acknowledge though it is me who is the out of control rescuer not her the out of control, mindless, abandoning mother.  It does me not good to blame her, as easy as it is to do that.  It also does me no good to bristle at dealing with her.  She is about to go miles away. I will not have to deal with her this holiday or the next (hopefuly the next plan b will take me someplace else).

I want to say goodbye to her emotionally and recognize that I need to work on my rescuing. I never want to be in that position again and the A is not it it is me.  He is an obnoxious creep dying of his alcoholism but he did not hold a gun to my head and tell me to rescue him. I did it.

and I need to take responsibility for it.

Maresie.