The material presented
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Let me start out by saying to all those who have followed my saga and kept us in their prayers. Although my AW is still pissed to no end at me, we (thank HP) didn't have any chaos last night.
She said she went to the rehab clinic yesterday to talk with thier councelors. The story I got from her was they supported marriage counceling then whenever she is ready going into rehab.
Now, she is fully aware that I have been asking her to do that for months now. She refused because she wanted me to quit this program first.
I told her that I want to go to therapy with her, for many reasons. But I am not willing to do it until she is sober, and I don't mean during the hours of the day she is not drunk.
Over the past year, we can not even agree on where to go out to eat when left alone. I don't think trying to work on our thought processes and our treatment of others emotions is best done while "under the influence".
She said I was just being stubborn, and I agreed with her. She didn't say much else other than if that's it she doesn't want to just seperate, she wants a divorce.
Throughout this whole week, she has hinted around about going into rehab. Monday "will our insurance work there", tuesday "I am ready to go.... opps changed my mind", wednesday "how long does it take", thursday "I went to talk to them".
I am not getting my hopes up, but she didn't say these things in her normal sarcastic tone used to make a point or stir the pot. I know she is scared about the idea of being on her own.
I want to take her to a resturant high up in the hills outside of town and watch the sunset tonight. In a way I feel like an idiot for even wanting to do that. The truth is I don't hate her at all. I love her as much as ever. I just simply can't live with her any more while she has surrendered to her addiction.
Thank you all for your thoughts and support. I so appreciate every one of you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Funny my ex A husband always wanted to discuss our marriage while under the influence! I quit going out with him period because he always got drunk and I always ended up disappointed and mad. Then he would hand me the check! I hated paying for all that alcohol! Anyways...I think you are one hell of a special person. After all you have been through to still want to do that with her tonight. She has no idea what she is giving up when she chooses her addiction over her marriage to you. I know she can't help it but...deep in my heart I really think they can all choose sobriety. They are just afraid.
Most marriage counselors are not willing to continue counseling until substance abuse is no longer an issue. They see you a few times, then tell you to come back when that problem is under control. At least that has been my experience with them. We have gone quite a few times to a few different counselors, the results are always the same.
Your wife is one lucky lady, and I truly pray she gets help soon enough to see it.
In my experience all the counselors have always told my husband and I that he needs to be sober prior to our counseling ... or at least trying anyway. I can understand though if your wife does not want to go into rehab that they may suggest counseling first maybe to get her started. Then again my husband hears what he wants to and leaves the rest behind ... like we all do but oh boy he is much better at it than I am LOL
Anyway I don't think it is strange at all to want to go enjoy an evening out. Even though I am not happy being here in the same house with my husband all the time, there are moments that I find I want to enjoy our time together even if it isn't going to be forever. In some ways staying here with him has been a blessing, when I first left all I saw was a monster .... I see a human now, a very very sick human. It has made things somewhat easier.
You are a very special person, I can imagine her fear of losing you is as great as her fear of being sober and her fear of being alone.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and try to do what feels right. i wish the best for you!
I think that is a very touching and heartfelt post.... I "recommend" the Getting Them Sober books a lot, primarily because of the same message.... In a nutshell, those books encourage us in the way of: "If you REALLY love your A, then get yourself better".
Being tired or at the end of your rope with your A doesn't mean you love them any less. I wish you well, and really truly hope she chooses sobriety.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like she's terrified - if she doesn't sober up, she loses you, and if she does sober up ....Well, that is probably something she just can't imagine. So many A's are panicked, all the time. They know that they can't keep drinking the way they do, but they just can NOT believe that they will be able to face life without a drink. It's like if someone said to you "It's easy, all you have to do is not breathe..." I think this is the explanation for a lot of the crazy behaviour, and this is why AA works. Everyone there has felt the same way.
Life actually does get easier for most A's, almost right away, when they stop drinking, because they are not screwing up their lives by the things they do when drunk, and because most of the problems they felt so unable to deal with are actualy not so bad when faced. However, they don't believe this until they experience it.
Your A may have been telling you the truth regarding the rehab. The big thing they are looking for is if she wants to be there. If she doesn't then her sobriety will be even more difficult to keep after she leaves. She's got to want it.
There is always hope. There are too many AA's out there not to see that there is hope.
Sending you many hugs and prayers for a beautiful weekend.
What a lucky lady to have a husband that loves her as much as you love her.. Hopefully someday soon she will sober up and realize the gem she has :) Hope you had a great evening and I will keep praying for you and your family..
Your posts have been a true inspiration to me. My Ab has lived with me and my 2 kiddos for 6 years. It's been so similar to your stories, as most of ours are. But I am confident in your plights. The fact your children are behind you and it's so obvious you love your wife, you are right on track.
I've asked my Ab to chose rehab or move out. He went before, stayed 33 days and came home and made it only 5 days. I can't tolerate his disease anymore. I dont' have the energy or the drive to deal. And as you know, my 10 and 12 year old will start to figure it all out. What will they think of their mom? That she put up with this man's crap.. for what?
So I ask him to leave a week ago. He's showing no signs of leaving. It's important for me to remain calm, but I am feeling frustrated.
I hope you find solice in whatever decision your wife makes..you can rest assure, you are on the right path.
She's a lucky woman! Usually most councelors strongly urge the A to sober up first. One issue at a time is what was told to a friend's A because they wanted to do counceling first and then rehab. The obvious reason being that issues get "clouded". I'm confused here, whom are you worried about disappointing? Yourself? The family? Is she worried that she will be disappointed?
You're not an idiot for loving your wife, and wanting to have a nice night with her. It's sweet, romantic and a loving thing to do. I hope you will enjoy that moment.
Getting Them Sober is an excellent book. It helped me tremendously. Recovery is a selfish thing. It has to be. So you have to be just as selfish about your recovery as recovering addicts are about theirs. It's how we heal.
Love and blessings to you and the family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is my experience that until the alcholic loses everything they hold valuble they will not make an effort to change or get sober.
Whatever you feel you need to do dear to make sure you have a stable and healthy life for you and your children needs to come first. I garentee that when she feels like she is losing it all, she will make a decision.
I can see your AW going through the stages of grief. Sounds like she's bargaining with herself and you. Good job sticking to your guns and what's important for you. I think its great that you have enough love and compassion for her to see that she's scared, not just about being on her own, but being on her own either drunk or sober. If she's contemplating rehab, I'm sure she has a great deal of fears about what is life going to look like now. She will then have to face that which makes her sad, disappointed, angry, and depressed without the numbing feeling of alcohol. I hope you all were able to go to that restaraunt. Continued good thoughts and prayers coming your way.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
