The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been a difficult week for me. For my emotional wellbeing. I have not been to f2f for last two weeks. This is has become a pattern for me. I jump wholeheartedly into my programme.
Then when I struggle with something, I pull back from it. Someone told me It's about self pity, well, maybe I am feeling sorry, for Ally this week. But as I told him, It's a pattern I have lived with my whole life,and It takes time to adjust to the Al-anon programme.
My biggy this week, Is all about feelings. How I feel about people in my life. I have a friend(male). We have been friends 20 years, we are very close, we have a real connection with each other. We have came through good and bad, have always been there for one another. He was married, has been divorced six years, our friendship got closer from then. (Just good friends).
My problems just now are my feelings for him. I thought I was in love with him, I have cried al lot of tears over him. We have spoke about this very briefly, He is a recovering A, been in AA 6 years. He also does not do emotion.(very deep).
So this week our relationship kind of changed, we started having FUN together(no not what you think lol). So tonight he came into talk to me, and I was getting really nervous, waiting on him. But when he got here, we talked for a while, but i could NOT tell him how I felt about him.
My problem is WHY do I do this. I make up my mind how i feel, try to express it, and WOW, I cant do it.
What is wrong with me.
I can sometimes be very impulsive, but not about this. My feelings had gone for a few weeks there, I had thought I had "let go", who was I kidding. This has taught me that I have NOT let go, I don't want to let go, and Im not ready to let go of this person.
How do I deal with this situation. Im not in as much pain as I once was, I dont try to controll him or obsess about him. But I'm hurting so much, and I just want it to stop, (biddy off)(lol).
I feel after leaving him just now, I had to get this out to someone, So you guys are getting It(lol)
Any experience, strength & Hope will be appreciated.
Sorry you are having such a rough time. Feelings... whew - that's a tough one for me.
I grew up in an A home and although I knew my parents and grandparents loved me very much, we never really said it. I hugged my mom and grandmother, but to this day my Dad (ASober for 20 years) has only said it once that I remember.
One of the things my AW has always had as a stone to throw and a easy excuss for drinking is that I am not overly affectionate. I am lightyears from what I grew up with but by far not the most open about my actual feelings.
To be totally honest, until I got into this program I really didn't let anyone know how I felt... about much of anything.
For me, I am not sure I trusted anyone with my feelings. I couldn't stand for anyone to tell me my feelings were not right, so I just didn't give them a peek, you know?
I am getting better at it. I thought I was going to burst into flames when I was getting ready to talk to my kids about their Mom and I and how much we were going to go through. After I did it, a huge weight just tumbled off my shoulders.
If you are having pain because you want this person to know how much you love him. You could arm yourself with the knowledge that your need is to let him know, just don't put the fate of the earth on what he thinks about that.
Lord knows I don't have a good grip on this yet, so take it for what it's worth. I am staggering down that road with you. LOL
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello Ally , why do u have so much trouble with this?? well could be if u declare how u feel about him and he dosen't feel the same way u now have to deal with rejection. I don't do vulnerable well either but perhaps it would be much better to just get it said and then u can deal with the outcome.
And God forbid what if he feels the same way you do ????? HA! comming out of the closet so to speak is risky and is bound to bring about change which ever way it goes, and I also discovered I don't like change. sheeeeeesh
Here is alittle blurb that might help u decide , BEYOND SERENITY
SERENITY IS FOR HEALING AND CALMNESS. THE PAIN STOPS AND THE DIZZINESS OF MIND RELAXES.
AND THEN THE GROWTH CAN BEGIN. tHE INNER ME FOR YEARS FROZEN - WARPED-AND IMATURE BEGINS TO FLOURISH.
THE PERSON I COULD HAVE BEEN, SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEGINS TO BE. MY COURAGE TO RISK, TO LOVE TO TRY THINGS I HAVE NEVER DARED BEFORE ,KNOWING PERFECTION IS NO LONGER REQUIRED. AND A CERTAIN WISDOM BEGINS
BECAUSE WITH IN THE QUIETNESS OF MY SOUL . I AM NOW ABLE TO HEAR THE WORDS I NEED TO KNOW. MY INNER RESOURSES TODAY ARE GREAT.
I HAVE OPENED THE DOOR THAT MY HIGHER POWER HAS PROVIDED.
I have been communicating all weekend with this guy and we are having fun together. I have deceided just for the moment, to take it a day at a time. If it's meant to be, then something will give.(lol i hope).
Thanks for the strength, I will bide my time and if no change, I will consider my options again.
I love the way I can yell in here, and always get some help from someone.
Ally! What a tough spot to be in. It may not be identical to your situation however it may or may not help to know you are not alone... I had been in love with a close friend (an A) for years and I was convinced he loved me too. I was convinced he just was not able to communicate and show it (he is VERY private and guarded) I would do good with this ... and then I would be right back in, chasing him (not literally of course). Anyway to make a long story short, I came to the realization that he does indeed love me, however, I should not have to beg and plead for attention, etc. I am worth more than that and I deserve to be with someone who is emotionally available to me. We are still very close friends and we can talk to one another about absolutely EVERYTHING... however, I have been able to put aside my fantasy ending. The other piece of this is ME, I have currently been looking into why do I choose As and is it really more about me? And if it is, are there areas I can make changes?
The one foot in and then one foot out thing, is my guess a defense mechanism. You are scared of being rejected, you are afraid of him not wanting/choosing you. More than likely there are feelings like you experienced in your home growing up. I try to challenge myself though, but putting myself out there (easier said then done), I do not want to be a person who lives a totally and completely sheltered life ... basically in a box ... I want more than that ...
This probably hasn't helped you one i-ode-a ... but I am hoping from this you will see that where you are - is a normal response to your situation.
There is nothing wrong with you. That's the good news. You have a perception that something must be wrong, and habits to overcome, and challenges to manage. None of us is perfect in that we all have room for improvement, but who you are, the person you are, the soul that is you, the love that you are, is perfect. How can it not be? Your soul is the same essence, the same nature, the same love, as the HP of whom you are an expression. All you have to do, is remember who you are, a sweet loving child of God. And the way to do that, and the way to be nutured in love and grace, is through meditation. Meditation is the quintessential method of "letting go and letting God." When we meditate, we let go of our busy thoughts, and God nutures our hearts. All of the great mystics and spiritual leaders of all walks of spirituality, from whom the major living scriptures were created taught the importance of meditation. "Be still and know" does that ring a bell?
It is easy to fall back on old conditioning, and it takes focus to develop the faith that all is well in the face of the appearance that all is not well, or it may not be well, or what if it isn't well, or what if it doesnt turn out well....we are all vulnerable to that kind of thinking, second guessing, and the temptation to feel guilty or ashamed of ourselves for why we don't seem to be healthy in our choices, decisions, or in expressing ourselves.
Relax Ally, you are doing so wonderfully well. You are growing in your program and in your spirit, because, after all this is a spiritual program. You have friends here who love you and will support you in your progress.
