The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I am going to go on a second date with a very nice lady. I haven't yet decided if this is a big deal or not... for most people I guess it wouldn't be. I wear my disgust for the human "mating ritual" on my sleeve. I always hold out for someone I can just "be real" with, and as you might expect, that makes for a lot of holding out. I do make friends, but not of the intimate kind.
My new friend is not an alcholic, nor does she seem to have any close relationships with any. That in itself is scary... a normal person! LOL... whatever that means.
But I do like her, and she's the first person in a very long time that a) I actually looked forward to a second date and b) I actually have managed to GET a second date.
My concern isn't that I'll move too fast... more that I'll move too slow. I think part of the attraction for me is that we are both on the same page, and want to build a friendship first. I haven't had that opportunity in the past. But I'm not much of an initiator. My natural instinct at the first obstacle is to tiptoe away quietly and tell myself "see... she doesn't want you". I don't put up much resistance to being dumped, and I rarely get the courtesy of a dump. Usually the person just vanishes from my life - stops returning calls, etc. I'm very accustomed to that form of communication/lack thereof.
So actually having a dialogue with someone is a new thing too.
What does this have to do with alcoholism? Everything. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I have a very keen sense of when I'm being lied to. I deal with it in my life every day and it's a pretty good asset for survival out there in the world, but it can be very very painful in personal relationships. While I know and understand why people lie, and that the lie belongs to them, in my head and in my heart I'm thinking, "This person doesn't think I deserve the truth".
I know this is a barrier to a romantic relationship, but I'm not necessarily sure that's a bad thing. When I look back on all of the various possibilities, I'm not sure I missed all that much. I hold on to the notion that it will happen when I'm ready, and with a very clear understanding that I may _never_ be ready.
So.... I try to stay out of expectations, put one foot in front of the other, and take it as it comes. If I'm so focused on the road in front of me that I miss my exit... oh well! I'll just keep on going.
Congrats on the second date! I am still chalking up first dates! I am so glad you posted about this! I have been so torn up inside as to why I just cannot seem to find a "normal" man to go out with. I just want an adult for friendship etc. I have had all the crazies! The boobie grabbers, the all over you and then never call again, the I could tell from the 1st moment we met you are the one...now can I borrow 2 thousand dollars! The I like you but I am still in love with my ex. I have even nicknamed them...the scared guy, the nice guy, the grabbie guy, the furniture guy. The l;ast one by the way I really liked and thought he felt the same until he ran into my ex A. That scene of chaos he creates on a regular basis during visitation with our daughter scared him away faster than fast.
So I am with Diva on this one...Hold your head up and keep on keeping on. Anyway what is the alternative? Sit home alone with the TV forever? Not for me....
Your post made me think about my husbands and my courtship, it was sort of like what you are describing. Years ago, when he was not as ill, we often looked back on it and laughed!
I met him in the library when I was a college student. I was a VERY serious student and was often in the library. He was a part time instructor at the college (even though he is couple years younger than I, LOL) since he is a genius (he was in his twenties) and was the head of the tutoring center.
We sort of "noticed" each other at the same time, LOL. I went for math tutoring and he is a body builder and tall and very handsome. He had to be careful how he "noticed" me since he worked there and I never dreamed that an instructor and head of the department would be interested in me.
Well, we were very gaurded in talkign with each other, LOL, even though we were very attracted.
We became sort of ackward friends, despite our attraction each trying to hide our feelings.
We kept such a lid on our attraction to each other that each of us thought the other was not interested! He left that job eventually for an overseas job and since we had never exchanged phone numbers I thought I would not see him again.
He came back and never had forgotten me even though we had never been outside the library and never more than "friends" and he came up with some kind of story to get my number from the tutoring center. He got the secretary to call me and ask me if i wanted some free tutoring for my upcoming math class! LOL.
I did. We met at the library, still unsure of how the other felt.
All we did was study.
We each waited for some sign from the other that there was more interest than friendship, none came, each was hesitant to make the first move, thinking the other as not ready or did not feel the same.
I did not understand him not making some kind of move...ask me out on a "real" date or something, rather than just meeting at the library for tutoring. He says now he was waiting for a signal from me that I wanted more for him to move ahead with making his feelings known, sigh.
FINALLY , after three months of this a friend convinced me to take the risk of saying to him "We have known each other for two years now and seeing each other for three months. I will admit that I am starting to have feelings for you that are more than friendship, if you don't feel the same tell me now so I don't get my hopes up." WOW! He grabbed me and kissed me right on the spot he was SOOOO happy!
That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Really, I put so much on the line! But I had to, he was too special to give up on again. My friend goading me on helped, LOL, she would yell at me on the phone each day to JUST DO IT!
So, don't worry about when the time will be to take it from friendship to the next level. If she is still your friend at the point that you want to, chances are high that the door is open for you too do so. Just enjoy the friendship for now, relax, get to know her, so when you do take it to the next level you will know it is right for you.
Like you said...one foot in front of the other and one day at a time. If you she is really your friend than she is not going anywhere....LOL.
For me, I have to slow my thinking down on this one. Put the one foot in front of the other. I don't know what torrow will bring. In dating, now with recovery under my belt....it is one step at a time. I have to keep from expectations of what I want out of my relationship.
I have been dating a man since Feb. He is awesome. He is in the program. He was working up here for months on end when we met. Our friendship started first. That is what I have bulit on that friendship. He lives 500 miles from here and has been back home for the last couple of months. Yes, I miss him. I don't need him though. Many people ask if we are going to move intogether or get married......I am not there for once in my life! My only concern is to get to know him, time tells all. I don't wish it to happen either way for us either. Wish him to go away because things just aren't going fast enough, or running off and getting married because I am finally divorced.
I take each conversation I have, each day I see him, and each day we are apart for what it is for now. I don't know what tomorrow has instore for us. I just know that today, he is 500 miles away and I look forward to his call tonight and to hear about his day.
I HAVE to keep my thoughts of any expectations quiet. For all I know he could or couldn't be the one......and I could have forced a solution in the wrong direction that could hurt.
I hope some of this made sense, words just cannot describe what this program has done for me, and how to go about my life in a healthy way in all my relationships. It is a work in progress and I am going to mess up. One day at a time, I will succeed.
You just made me sit up and take notice here. I am always thinking Mr Right has run by me, time and time again. Im not the greatest at relationships and, I blame my upbringing also. I have also got my heart set on my man(lol), but easy does it for me. If It's meant to be it will be(so they say),(lol).
I think we live in the constant fear of rejection, and It holds us back. But hey remember Bari, we're no more, no less than anybody else mate, okay.
