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I've been thinking about this concept for a while now and another post brought it to the front of my mind again.
I grew up with I guess what you would call hippie parents, not addicts or alcoholics but they definitely took advantage of the times and nothing was hidden from me. So when I reached my teens it seemed natural to see my friends drink and use drugs, and yes I did my own share. I thank my HP I was always able to have fun with or without alcohol or drugs being a part of it. And at 16 I decided none of it was for me, aside from the occasional drink with dinner or at an event.
I moved away from my home city for a few years, on returning my old friends were still my friends and nothing in thier lives had changed. this too seemed normal, I married one of them assuming he was growing up and moving to a different phase of life just like I was. LOL I was wrong or i would not be here writing this.
It's 20 years since we all started using together in our midteens. When I look at the small core group of my friends I have so much guilt. One is in federal prison on drug trafficing charges, 2 are herion addicts, my teen years boyfriend is managing his addictions and living a fairly good life with occasional spurts of use, my husband is on a downward spiral, there is a larger group from what i have seen that work and function for the weekends to relive the old days. And then there is my very best friend and I who have moved on from that life, well she has moved on ... I am kind of stuck in limbo at the moment.
We talk alot and sometimes it comes up ... why us? I think of it often, survivor guilt from an era of parents sending kids to treatment or group homes because the experts said it was best. Desert survival camps, alternative schools all those options that did not work, in fact it just seemed to give my friends more contacts and teach them better ways of getting into trouble.
I've gotten to the point where I thank my HP for giving me my hippie parents, they actually taught by example how to live in the times with outside influences and grow as a person. i feel sad so many did not have that, the only thing I can call it is survivor guilt.
it's part of the reason I still have such a hard time releasing my need to take care of my husband. I've let go of the rest of my old friends, obviously he is harder to let go of for many reasons some that are legally my concerns at the moment and some that are not.
I don't know quite where my thoughts are going here but any input anyone may have to help me get past this point would be great!
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone is happy and well.
Jennifer
PS Sorry for any typos or mixed up areas ... the cat thought it was a great time to jump on the keyboard repeatedly and I have to run or be late for work LOL
Jennifer you are laying a trip on yourself that is not necessary. You did nothing to cause your friends' troubles; they managed it all by themselves. Feeling compassion and concern is one thing, but guilt? No!! You rose above it. Be proud and happy that you did.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am sorry you feel pain in this. What I read in your post is that your parents willed to you a good heart, and like me, a sense of taking care of those smaller than you.
In my case, that desire to do the right thing turned toxic when I put more emphisis on taking care of everyone else and none on taking care of me.
It is sad to think of your friends and where they are now, but they are just on a different road than you are. You didn't misguide them, and for one reason or another maybe their HP has a plan for them being on the road they are on.
Like Diva said, you don't have to feel guilt because they are not on your road. That is a choice we get to make each day.
Today I choose to put on my hula hoop and make sure that everything inside that is the best I can do. The rest will have to do the same. At the end of the day I hope we are all in the same gym seeing who can keep it going the longest and laughing our hearts out.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I believe that people are born alcoholics. There is something in them that cannot stop once they begin, and it is a psychological craving. There are so many people that are alcoholics, and many different varieties, but you should never feel guilty for what you are. You never had a problem.
Sometimes it seems like a lot of people in the world today are depending on drugs and alcohol to cope with our never-ending, seemingly spinning out of control lives to calm down. There are lucky ones like us that have found a program, either AA or Alanon, to learn tools like prayer and meditation to slow us down, and learn to treat others with compassion and give out help and love.
Don't ever feel guilty, give back to anyone you can and pray for compassion and kindness (not that you need any more you sound pretty caring!) Pray for HP to take away your feelings of guilt, you should be full of joy that you are able to learn all of these wonderful tools to teach someone else to live this life!!!
To me, it sounds like you had a normal teen age hood. Psychologists actually define adolescence as a time of experimentation and not just with drugs--its a time where adolescents will try out sports, and be like "Yeah I love soccer!" or be like "Ewww! Soccer! No way man!" Or they'll be like "Dude! Murder mysteries are da bomb!" Or they'll be like "Whatever man! You read?!" And professionals believe that adolescents that DON'T have the space to look at what they like and don't like, that DON'T have the support to feel out their mistakes or their faux pas are the ones that are most likely to find themselves in problems. That's why alot of times when you listen to AA leads you always hear about the Family disease of alcholism--there is nothing more unforgiving than trying to nurse the disease of 1 alcholic. EVERYONE is focused on this ONE person, and EVERYONE is focused on the needs of this ONE person, and it seems like NO ONE takes into account that there are KIDS who are DEVELOPING and GROWING and yeah!
So about your friends--it's really important to realize at a certain point people make decisions FOR THEM which is a reflection ON them. And you know, there's some high quality AA/NA meetings in the Federal Pen and some serious good counceling programs. But again, the people have to ask for them--they're not automatically signed up for them. So, if you wanna be technical, your friends that are in prison have ALOT going for them--they can get help if they reach out.
One of the best things I heard from an old timer is that when it seems as if you can't do anything one of the most effective actions is pray. Pray for gods will, pray for god's will for them, and pray for the ability to be free of guilt
Diva is right. It's not your fault that your friends got addicted. There is no rythm nor reason why some people who use recreatioanally become addicts and some don't. That's why they call this disease cunning and baffling.
In some ways I have a different kind of survivor's guilt. My heart breaks when I hear of my family here and how their As haven't found recovery or have relapsed. I wonder too: Why am I so blessed when other's aren't? Why can't everyone have their recovery? Why are some of us Alanoners hurting so much and I'm not? Why can't we feel the joy that I felt yesterday?
I asked sober hubby if he ever felt guilty for finding his recovery (and we both know that recovery is just a drink away from hell). He doesn't feel guilty but he feels compassion for those who haven't had it.
I know I have no control over this disease. I know I am powerless over other's. But every now and again, when I read a post or see a good friend hurting, I loose it. I think how unfair it is. Sometimes it's a bit much for me to handle. So I say an extra prayer for those who are hurting and for the recovery to continue for others. My greatest wish for this earth, besides peace for the world, is that there would be no more addicts. That we would not see AA or Alanon ever again. Silly I know. But wouldn't that be nice?
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
pray. Pray for gods will, pray for god's will for them, and pray for the ability to be free of guilt 