The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wondered why is my Abf suddenly more nasty than usual. It just seems to get worse everyday lately. I think he has an idea I'm thinking about leaving him.
Is this fear really, showing itself as anger? Or does he really find me to be as awful as he says. I can't understand, because he seems to change so much.
One minute he can't stand the sight of me and the next he wants to make up!!! All desperation. I think the chaos is getting to me. AM
You said ABF has not had any drink in 3 weeks. Could this be the source of his angry outbursts. Is he working a program or trying to quit on his own? I would say that without their drug and without a program it is probably too much to handle.
Well said Gailey. Remember if he isn't in a program, all those emotions that were once masked by alcohol are coming to the surface. They can be hard to handle. That's why AA or another program is so important. Other people have been there who know what it's like. It's the same way with our program. We have the anger and all the other emotions. But I didn't know what they meant or what to do with them until I came here. Thank goodness I did!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think many of us cling to our As hoping that they will get sober - and if they ever have had a period of sobriety, it's kind of like a wonderful preview of coming attractions. But that "pink cloud" of early sobriety (and not everyone has it) gives way to reality. Often for the spouse of an alcoholic, the treatment seems worse than the disease. That's not really the case, it's just that our expectations can be SO high. We share this with the alcoholic, who believes that sobriety is the answer to all his/her problems, and we who love and alcoholic also want to believe that sobriety is the answer to his/her and OUR problems as well.
Sobriety is a process, not an event. So getting sober is the beginning of a continuing process and a new life. Expectations can run very high on both sides. It's tempting, almost impossible sometimes not to make demands of the newly sober A... payback time. We seem to cut our alcoholics a mile of slack when they are drinking, but let them sober up a few weeks, and we expect them to make up for years of neglect and abuse. To say that recovery is a strain on a relationship would be a gross understatement.
Unfortunately, I can't share any experience about success in a relationship in sobriety. I never felt my relationship with my wife at the time slipping until I was over a year sober! By that time, I had experienced many of the benefits of the program... clearly she didn't see it that way. I've often wondered - had I kept on drinking, if we'd still be married today? Assuming I was even still alive of course.
