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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi everyone. I'm new to these boards. I was just married a month ago, and my new AH went into detox and rehab a week ago. I thought everything was going great. I mean, he had some slips in the past, but swore to me he was doing really well, which I believed. I never really thought it was this serious.
I am so torn between being happy that he has made the decision to go into rehab, and being scared that since he made this decision (now that I know how serious the problem is), that I will be so fearful that he will slip when he comes home. I know it is not my problem to babysit him, but now that I know how well he can hide things, I don't know where to find the trust again.
I don't know how strong he will be. A million questions are running through my head.
Should I pack up our collection of pint glasses and wine glasses that we regularly use even for drinking water?
Is it my responsiblity to clean out the "pandora's box" that I just discovered in his car so that he doesn't have to see it when he comes home? (heaps of beer cans, bottles, full unopened beers, beer cans in lunch trash bags) Now I know why he kept his car such a mess. It hid all the evidence underneath.
How different will he be when he gets home?
How do we go on in a normal relationship when I am so devastated and feel so betrayed by him for all the lies he told me? (I know it wasn't him but the disease, but I can't help but feel like it was a choice he made)
Should I feel like I have to walk on eggshells while I am talking to him on the phone at rehab? I'm afraid to say "beer, alcohol, drug names, etc." in fear that it will make him want that.
I just don't know where to start making sense of all of this.
You know, there is no defined path to follow, no map laid out before us that can tell us what to do and when. I have sometimes wished that there was a concrete set of instructions on how to deal with all these issues you are currently facing. So, although I cannot advise you on what to do, I can share with you my own experience....
I used to seek those "hidden treasures" in my A's vehicle...you know...the paper sacks, torn shreds of paper sacks, mini vodka bottles in the backyard that my children would find and dig in the dirt with, etc....I also drove my AH to rehab - and before we left the house, he downed 3 vodka shooter bottles. Perhaps I was cold and callous about the 'clean up' aspect...but I didn't make the mess, so I wasn't going to clean it up. I refused to spare him the reality of his actions and dealing with the 'clean up' himself. You know, I clean the backyard and the litterbox - but those are my pets and can't clean up after themselves...my AH was an able-bodied man, perfectly capable of gathering trash and depositing it in the trash bins, using scrubbing bubbles, 409, Mr. Clean, whatever...and a sponge to scrub things clean, he could use a broom & dustpan, a vacuum and window cleaner too.
My AH could lie like no one's business...it seems to be a necessity in the disease. I think they learn to lie and make it reasonable in order to keep their addictions going, to keep from being 'found out' and having to face it in some manner or other. Of course, my AH has since said that he would say to himself when I would go off on one of my tangents - "Who cares that she's ticked off, it doesn't matter, I'm drunk." or he'd say to himself "Whatever" as he reached for more pills, speed or alcohol.
I also did not remove anything from my home to make things easier on him. I rarely ever drink (maybe 1-2 times a year) but I wasn't about to throw away or pack up a beautiful Irish Crystal decanter and 4 wine glasses to make things better/easier/simpler for him. Not my disease.
I can suggest to you that you continue to pursue Al-anon, both online and face-to-face meetings. You are not alone. I know how alone I felt, and thought that no matter what experiences anyone else had - none were just like mine. Whoa. What a reality check I got time after time, listening to others share their Experience, Strength and Hope!!!
I wish you the absolute best in your situation and recovery yourself. (I remember the first time someone said "your recovery" to me - I kept thinking "I'M NOT SICK, HE IS!!!!!!" but I've learned alot about myself and continue each day trying to accept those things about me.) Know that you do not walk alone and the path you are on has been well travelled in the past, and will have many more people walk it in the future. I hope for you the ability to walk in confidence off the 'well travelled path' and chart your own course for your future....
Feeling so sad for you, just becoming a newlywed and having this HUGE obstacle. In a way I relate. I got married to a very sober in AA man I knew all my life. Two months later a brain tumor was found in him
The surgery drugs sent him right to a medical relapse.I relate to every question you asked.
Want to tell you, my first words were, "this gal needs alanon."
I hope you take this super serious, alanon I mean. A good book,
"Getting Them Sober." Helped me so much. Him in rehab and hopefully in AA and you in alanon will give your marriage a MUCH bigger chance of being ok.
An active A hates alanon as it cannot lie to you, manipulate you or use you. You are wise to it.
The more you can educate yourself the better. I read everything I could find. The Big Book for AA is great. Also going to open
AA meetings,opens our eyes.
He needs to clean up his own messes. It is not your job. Keep your glasses. Glasses don't make an A use. NOTHING you do or don't do will make him relapse. It is out of your control.
If you can,"let go." Take care of you, you can do nothing for him. As far as his illness. Just love him, be his friend, be his wife.
Marrying a person with a disease is never normal. Trust to me is moot. He did not choose to use. He has a disease, and is very sick. It is nothing personal as far as you.
A symptom of the disease is deep guilt, more than you will feel in a lifetime. He will lie, hide things, do anything to not admit to you or himself that he is using.
Many will look at you right in the eye, not be able to stand, be so drunk and say, I have not been drinking. That is how horrible the disease is. It cannot admit to itself it is drunk.
He has a disease that is like a roller coaster. If you choose to monitor him, it will only make you crazy. A's will relapse, get sober, go to rehab, maybe stay sober and go to AA, relapse, and on and on. Relapse is a part of being A.
Trust has nothing to do with it. You cannot trust an A, anymore than you can trust a person with cancer in their brain.
I feel like if I try to use trust, I am setting myself up. I accept things as they come and do my best to deal. Use my alanon skills to get me thru.
Strenth has zero to do with it. It takes really wanting to not use. It is a real true desire to change their focus. A letting go of trying to control. Like us, they give up their hold on what they cannot control and release it to their higher power.
We take one day at a time. Do our best each day. My A would wake up each day and go off alone and say, I choose not to use today. He said some days he would not even think about it. He went to AA meetings all the time.
In fact if your A is serious, he will need AA. AA will tell you he needs 90 meetings in 90 days. He will develop a program of recovery. What he needs to do to stay sober and to make his behavior one he does not have to be ashamed of.
For mine it was be honest, help others, care about what others think, ask questions etc.
Hon he wants alcohol no matter if you say it or not. No never, ever walk on eggshells. It will only make you sick. Just be you. Concentrate on you.
I don't even bring up or talk about his disease. It is his problem not mine. period.
That makes it pretty simple for you. It is up to him to do what he does.
If my A brought it up, I said not my problem. If he wanted to talk program or what he feels great. But not any complaints.
But I never bring it up.
This is a lifelong disease. If we want to remain in a relationship with our A, alanon is our best hope. Alanon teaches us skills that help in every aspect of our lives.
Aloha Krusland!! I am glad you are here. You post sounded alot like what was going on and around me when I second came into the Al-Anon Family Groups. First time I came in I wasn't hurting enough, confused enough, humble enough, powerless enough and all the other requirements to follow suggestions. So on the second entry I was told to listen for and follow up on suggestions. Suggestions one; give us as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and if after that period of time you find that we are not for you...we will gladly refund your misery and you can try something else. (yeeech) Suggestion two; "keep coming back", get as much literature as you can and read it. Get the literature that is used in meetings such as the ODAT (One Day At a Time in Al-Anon) and any others you can afford at that time. Suggestion three; Hang around after meetings and talk with other members. Suggestion one again...Suggestion four; practice the steps, slogans and traditions and look for a sponsor. Over and over there were very worthwhile suggestions including the very most important one, "Get a Higher Power of your own understanding." When I really got into this program I was very sick and others stories seemed worse than mine! This was the best reason for me to stay but then I have never done things perfectly and I had to find many more reasons to "Keep coming back." I have kept coming back since 1979 even though the alcoholic I chose to marry and I are no longer married. I continue to "Keep coming back" because this program gave me solutions that work where my church and psychologist had no real solutions at all.
I found that I didn't cause the disease, couldn't control it and couldn't cure the alcoholics in my life. I could only change me and this is my reality today. I had the concern and fear that you have. I suffered the panic attacks. I worried and fretted about what to do and what not to do without realizing that if I didn't know what to do then it was okay not to try to do anything but take care of my own side of the street. I learned what my part in the problem was and went after straightening that out rather than trying to straighten out my alcoholic or trying to be the pillow that softened the blows of the disease she practiced in. In short I learned how important it was for me to not rescue her or sacrafice my life up to the disease.
You will learn a ton of very good, important, inspiring and awesome stuff in this program in you just, "Keep coming back" and take suggestions. Turn your Alcoholic over to your and his Higher Power and come listen, learn and practice.
(((((hugs)))))
You didn't get to this point over night. You won't recover from it in that period of time either. Let go and relax...we got you!
Not much I can add to all that great advice! You just really need to concentrate on looking after YOU now. That's important.
If he's going to drink or going to chose recovery he will do it with or without you. It doesn't really matter if you hide bottles or glasses or anything. It's not about you persuading him, or making it easier for him to stay sober. My advice is that you save your energy for yourself.
He will do whatever he wants to to anyway.
Be kind to yourself. Keep comng back. We are all here for you, and we care about YOU! AM
