The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had another bad day Tuesday.Cried all day.But it seems every time I have one of those days I take a step forward after it.I seem to learn from it.This time my eyes have been opened.I think I have found that elusive compassion Alanon tells us to have for alcoholics.
Now,keep in mind,my AH is not an active A.So if you are living with an active alcoholic or addict,this may not apply to you,however I think it could.
My AH was never mean or violent when he drank.He drank at home, never went to bars.The meanest he got was a recent dry drunk spell when he was emotionally cruel to me.It was his decision to separate because he found someone else online whom he has now met in person.They have an online friendship and when our house sells he is moving to her state and they will date.Meanwhile they are getting to know eachother as best they can on a computer and by phone.This has been the painful part for me, living here while that goes on but I was unable to leave financially.
Here's what I want to say.Tuesday I realized, and admitted to myself and him, that I still love him.I think I always will.I believe he loves me too,and always will.Then there is the disease.I went back over some old posts today and a couple of them really opened my eyes.I was reading Debilyn's post about seeing her AH that last time and I thought about the letter he had written her while he was in jail.He had told her he loved her and wanted to come home.Then by the time she saw him the disease had gotten him back and he said,thru tears,that he never should have told her that.In Becky's reply she said something that really struck me.She said that the A's cannot stand to look at us and see the love in our eyes.They do not love themselves (and I believe do not think they deserve to be loved) so they cannot stand it.They push us away.That is the disease doing that.I cannot imagine what it must be like to live with that thing in your head trying always to take control.Someone else on this board said it is evil,it just very well may be.I thank God I did not get that gene or whatever it is from my dad.
When my husband was dry drunk he was mean.I did not recognize him.He had never been so cruel to me.But when he is working the AA program he is the man I love.He is really a very simple man.( I do not mean that in a derogatory way) All he wants to do is fly his remote control helicopters, buy things from Ebay,and travel.He loves to be silly and laughs all the time.He is not an intellectual person.Does not get involved in world events or politics.He can be self centered but he is not selfish.He can be very charming,and to me he is handsome.
Seeing him this way.Realizing that he cannot bear for me to love him,gives me compassion for him.I do not feel sorry for him, it is not pity.He can be very determined, he is not a milk toast by any means.The woman he is persuing online is much more like he is.She is on disability for mental problems, is a recovering alcoholic.I have read her posts on the message board that he and her are on and she also seems like a very simple person.Her life is helping her sister with cleaning jobs,going to meetings, and having fun.She lives with her parents, has never been married,has no kids.She seems to be a caring person, but she also has that disease.I have absolutely no hard feelings for her,I really don't.She did not persue my husband,I know that.He persued her.She kept a distance from him for a long time, still does somewhat.I think that is what attracts him.
I am cursed with being an intellectual.I like to discuss politics and debate issues.I want to know what's going on in the world.I read books.Books that make you think.He hates to read.He loves cars and movies.Science fiction,we have that in common.I love courtroom dramas and murder mysteries, he doesn't.
Due to this difference in us I have always tried to change him and make him more like me.In doing that I feel I have made him think he is not good enough for me.He has told me many times he just cannot be what I want him to be.Now I get it and I feel so badly for doing that to him.When I yelled at him that he was not a partner,that I couldn't depend on him,that he never does anything for me.He was just doing the best he could.It wasn't true that he never did anything for me.I just got used to looking at the bad and not seeing the good.
So, I am going to forge ahead with our plan of selling the house and separating.I don't know if he could ever want me again because the image he has of me is not a good one.Please don't think I am being hard on myself or taking all the blame for the problems in my marriage,I am not.But I do think I am realistically looking at my part in it all.For the first time in my life.
From here on I will be kinder and gentler to him.I will treat him with respect.When the disease takes over and he gets cranky I will use my Alanon tools to keep me from reacting.I am going to be starting a new job soon and I will have that to focus on.Making new aquaintances.I think the job will help me lose weight because I will not be sitting at a desk,thank goodness, I hate that.I will now be focusing on my future and making the plans and setting myself up financially to take care of myself.I have alot to do.
I think my husband and I will end up good friends.We do enjoy some of the same things.He's knows things about me no one else knows and me him.There's a bond from 36 years of marriage.But I do not want us to end it bitterly.He has offered to help me in any way he can, he said he will always be there for me if I need anything.I know he means that.
Another response to a post I read was from lin06 who said that alcoholics cannot have 'normal' relationships.That totally blew me away.It has been slowly sinking in and I finally get that too.It's normal for us alanons to react when A's are lieing,stealing.getting dui's,cheating,calling us names.It's up to us if we choose to stay and live with that.Some do for their own reasons,no one should judge.It might just help tho,to realize that they are fighting a battle all the time.They say the disease is cunning,baffling,and powerful.Think about that.Many do have daily victories over it but not without supreme help in my opinion.It's always waiting there to take control again.There but for the grace of God go I.
Some of you may think I am totally whacko here.Maybe I am.But this is how I see it right now.It gives me a serenity I have never known.I can finally accept my husband the way he is.Whether he lives with me or not.I can let him go and find whatever it is he feels he has to find.I can't stop him anyway.Remember that saying....if you love something set it free...if it comes back it is yours...if it doesn't it never was.
I know this was ridiculously long and I apologize.Thanks for staying with me.
Wow your post really hit home with me. My A is not always active as he has been trying to achieve sobriety on and off (mostly off lately). Currently he has been active again for a couple of weeks and I have been a raving maniac. I have been constantly giving him digs and just plain ripping him apart. He has done nothing drastically wrong (he tries to always be sweet and helpful whether he is active or not) but like you I am an intellectual and he is not and I cannot accept the way he does things. If it doesn't make sense to me then the way he is doing it must be wrong. I have been working double time trying to change him instead of accepting him the way he is. Maybe my way of doing something is more practical and more likely to yield results with less effort but after I make a suggestion I need to leave it alone and let him do it his way. If it works for him fine. If not maybe he will choose to do it my way later but I need to let him make this decision for himself.
I can see where this could definitely cause him to end up with the impression that I am too good for him like you said. The last thing I want to do is make him feel less worthy as I know he already has a very low opinion of himself to begin with. If I keep up this behavior I will no doubt drive him away.
Thank you for posting your insight. I really needed to read this today.
Your post makes me smile . Isn't life interesting? Accepting our part is freeing....it can be the beginning of a wonderful change. Who would have thought that facing our actions would bring about serenity??? But it does. When this happened for me I realized I had truly begun to focus on me and the changes that came about after that, I count as blessings.
Live in the moment with all the things that you have learned. Don't live in the past or guilt yourself for those things that you are taking responsibility for, use them for todays progress -- grow . You sound so balanced -- your peace comes thru.
Another beautiful thing about coming to terms with ourselves/actions is that the serenity we receive is visible.... you can't hide it! And it's very attractive .
I'm celebrating with you tonight in your new found serenity -- Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
Thank you for that beautiful post. What I heard in our post was detachment with love. I can relate completely to your feelings of owning up to your part. I was faced with that when my A and I seperated earlier this year. I let go and said my peace and made my mends to him. Since we have reconciled I have had to constantly detach with love. Recently I realized that some of my expectations of my A are too high. I sometimes forget he's fighting a disease that has scewed his perceptions, his mental attitude, everything. He's just learning the consequences of his actions. You have reminded me in your post to accept him just as he is. He offers some great support when he can, he's loving in his own way, a good father, and he's trying really hard to be a good provider. The other day he said you're putting too much pressure on me to measure up to what you want. I really had to think about that, he just may be right. At this time, the drinking has been arrested but now he's left to try and figure out life sober, feeling the raw emotions of failure and disappointment cannot be easy. I don't want to say "Oh its o.k. honey when he's screwed up", but I also have to remember he's going to screw up. He's not going to do things like someone who has it all together. My job is to step back and detach with love and allow him to struggle so he can learn from his mistakes. I know how painful it must feel to watch your A move on with someone else, I also went through that as well. I must say you are approaching that subject with a great attitude and candor. Letting go of what we cannot control is tough, but you remind me that whether we're with our A's or not we have to let go and detach with love.
Living one day at a time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Nice post! It made me think of these 2 people at work who found each other, to everyone's suprise. The guy had used tea-bags drying all over his desk. He had newspapers stacked all over his office. They lived in the same neighborhood, and they ended up moving into her house because his was uninhabitable because of so many newspapers stacked up there. When one of her long-time girlfriends asked her what's with the teabags and newspapers, she said he's such a wonderful man. It's just that he has this area that I don't like (teabags and papers). Everything else shows me he's the man for me. I've always thought of her when I hear of accepting reality - and now your post. Good work. --Jill
. Isn't life interesting? Accepting our part is freeing....it can be the beginning of a wonderful change. Who would have thought that facing our actions would bring about serenity??? But it does. When this happened for me I realized I had truly begun to focus on me and the changes that came about after that, I count as blessings. 
. You sound so balanced -- your peace comes thru. 
.