The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to all who wrote in their thoughts and feelings to my post on my marriage proposal. I took in each of your points and gave all my concerns, hopes, and dreams to HP. My family has been suprisingly supportive and just basically said all they want is our happiness. My sponser has been awesome in helping me understand that marrying an A could mean having to go through with plan B if he does begin using again; which is reality for those of us involved with an A. There are no gaurentees in life or marriage and as one of my dear friends has said having this program will always be a benefit to me and my children. I had to ask myself are the good times enough to get me through the bad, when its good its really good, when its bad its bad, but we have always landed on our feet. (Thanks be to HP) My Dad had brought up the legality of marriage and how that obliges my A with half of the property in case it doesn't work out. I had to think on that too, the answer... he's paid into the condo from day one its his as much as it is mine. I have done some research on the financial aspects of marriage. My A has no credit at this time so I inquired to see what that would do to me. I always thought that marrying someone with crappy credit immediately brings your score down. Not so... it only affects us if we try to buy something jointly or try for a credit card jointly. Best thing we can do now is try to establish some type of credit and quickly pay it off. So, my accounts will be separate. We attended a financial planning seminar on Tuesday, didn't think the A would be interested in making any financial changes; which is really changing our thinking about saving and investing. He suprised me by filling out a questionaire at the end of the session requesting a free financial analysis and wanting to learn about all their services. Choosing a life with A is choosing a life which will involve struggles. What is the easy road here? I'm not sure there would be an easy road at this time. I do want to say at the end of my life that I gave it everything I had to keep this relationship alive and my family together in the way that feels right to me. I may be in for a huge s*#@ storm, but I have something I didn't have 4 years ago. I have program, a sponser, a great support system, my HP above all else, and I'm getting healthier with every passing week. Most of my friends and family may feel I'm doomed in this situation, they might be right, but what if their wrong. Can I pass up that chance?
Our therapist has said, well choosing this relationship will definitely force you to always take care of yourself and continue to remind yourself not to take care of him. I said, I'm a codependent isn't that what I'm supposed to do with anyone? It be so easy for me to live the single life again and begin meeting people, it be so easy for me to let my gaurd down thinking its safe. In suttle ways the codependency crept up on me until one day I was gone.
The struggles I've had with my A so far have been tough, but I will say that without these struggles I would never have grown in the ways I have. Life is what you make it and I can either spend my life taking care of an A who by that standard would never learn a darn thing, or continue to let him struggle in his own right and take care of me and my sanity. I'm learning to let his stuff go and detach and ask for what I need and trying very hard to give myself a break instead of feeling guilty about it. I spent the weekend just having fun pampering myself, I actually took a nap in the afternoon during both days, its been a long time since I've allowed myself to do that.
I'm glad I have this family and my support system, I gain a little bit more insight and wisdom from each of you every week. Thanks for being here.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
You sound perfectly in control of this situation. You have thought it out and your A is showing an active interest in making it sucessful. I am so very happy for both of you.
One of the most impressive things my parents did when my AW and I seperated 5 years ago, and again this week as things have come to a head was make the statement very clear "... We are not going to take sides in this, all we want is for you and your family to be healthy and happy, how you do that is up to you."
If you keep in mind this is from my grateful Al-Anon Mother and my ASober Father who are very happily married.... it really touched me.
I wish you and yours the best from the bottom of my heart.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I would be very very concerned about the debt issue. In my love addiction I would not be. However I have been in recovery from love addiciton for 2 years now so I would not think that love conquers all anymore. I know that I am liable for the A's debts if we were married. I used to long to be married to him. Now I am very very very grateful I do not have that to contend with too.
My Dad had brought up the legality of marriage and how that obliges my A with half of the property in case it doesn't work out. I had to think on that too, the answer... he's paid into the condo from day one its his as much as it is mine. I have done some research on the financial aspects of marriage. My A has no credit at this time so I inquired to see what that would do to me. I always thought that marrying someone with crappy credit immediately brings your score down. Not so... it only affects us if we try to buy something jointly or try for a credit card jointly. Best thing we can do now is try to establish some type of credit and quickly pay it off. So, my accounts will be separate. We attended a financial planning seminar on Tuesday, didn't think the A would be interested in making any financial changes; which is really changing our thinking about saving and investing. He suprised me by filling out a questionaire at the end of the session requesting a free financial analysis and wanting to learn about all their services. Choosing a life with A is choosing a life which will involve struggles. What is the easy road here? I'm not sure there would be an easy road at this time. I do want to say at the end of my life that I gave it everything I had to keep this relationship alive and my family together in the way that feels right to me. I may be in for a huge s*#@ storm, but I have something I didn't have 4 years ago. I have program, a sponser, a great support system, my HP above all else, and I'm getting healthier with every passing week. Most of my friends and family may feel I'm doomed in this situation, they might be right, but what if their wrong. Can I pass up that chance? 
It be so easy for me to live the single life again and begin meeting people, it be so easy for me to let my gaurd down thinking its safe. In suttle ways the codependency crept up on me until one day I was gone. 
