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I cannot get very detailed right now as my time is in short supply at the moment, but I am in some seriously desperate need of ESH.
My A has decided to attempt getting sober. I don't know what precipitated this epiphany and I won't question it. So far he's made two AA meetings. This is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but as I've heard this all before so many times, of course I'm skeptical.
He's been drinking beer, not whiskey--which is his version of getting sober at the moment. I've never been a drinker at all, so I can't relate to how difficult this is for him. If he's under the delusion that beer doesn't make an alcoholic, who am I to disillusion him?
Here's my problem: I have been through so much over the last ten years with his alcoholism, that I have no good feelings towards him, whatsoever. He hasn't been drunk in two days and we've done nothing but fight. I just don't have anything left in me to support him with. I feel like such a failure because I can't help him when he needs it most. Where am I supposed to dig up those lost feelings of love and compassion I used to have for him? How do I bite my tongue when he screams at me that I LET him become and alcoholic and it's MY fault if he starts drinking again? I am very likely more stressed out than he is, just not being able to predict from one minute to the next what's going to be said. He's on his way home now from and AA meeting and I still only feel apathy and I don't mind admitting to feeling a bit of fear.
How...HOW do I help him? SHOULD I help him? How can I help him when I don't even care for him anymore? I don't know if that 'good' person in him exists anymore. I can't even make sense of what I need to say. I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how to give you any ESH if you don't really care about him. Have you considered leaving and starting life fresh? I'm not suggesting it, but am suggesting you do what it takes to find your own happiness.
He's still blaming you, to me that only means he hasn't taken responsibility for his alcoholic behavior. And your right, drinking beer instead of hard liquor isn't the right path either. It won't work. My A tried that too, he ended up right back where he started only worse. AA doesn't require them to stop drinking, only have the desire to do so.
So, I guess the big question is what about you? What do you want? You have no reason to feel like a failure because you can't help him, he still isn't even helping himself.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sounds like you are exhausted - mentally and emotionally. That's what they say in Alanon is that we take that rollercoaster ride with the A's and become sicker than them. And we know what is wrong with the A's. Only their HP know if this the time they will get sober so in the mean time we have to take care of ourselves.
My husband is a serious chronic alcoholic and all he drinks is malt liqour. He thinks alcoholics only drink hard liqour so that means he does not have a problem...even thought he buys a special brand of 10% alcohol malt liqour, sigh, that is quite high for just "beer".
My husband no longer blames me for his drinking, as I kept telling him how lame and sorry that was, that he reminded me of my teenage daughter in immaturity to blame others. I told him he should be ashamed of himself, a grown man blaming others for his faults like a whiny bratty teen. I also told him I will take the blame for his alcholism when he takes the blame for my weight problem, LOL.
I asked him how he thinks it would sound if I told others I struggled with weight issues since it was his fault? I would not shame myself and sacrifice my dignity with such immature reasonings.
Hi coffee , boy do u ring some bells for me. Not knowing if u care or not . to me the best way to support him would be to just show him some respect and for the moment don't worry about anything else. Get into one day at a time mode. just get thru the day. you don't have to make any decissions right now.
Keep your expectations low and focus on your needs , it's not your job to keep him sober any more than it was your problem that he drank . I hope that u are going to meetings for yourself your going to need support. Louise
I'm a real alcoholic and I drank beer for 13 years, almost every day. I occasionally drank other stuff, but beer was my drug of choice. I can honestly say, I never got sober drinking beer!
Remember that saying about talking to the disease. Whether you're talking to whisky, vodka, wine... or beer... you're talking to the disease. And it's not listening.
Aloha Bean (I've never said that before...kinda sounds funny) anyhow you have come to the right place for esh. First three steps in a nut shell...I can't...God can...I'll let Him. (God that is). more....Get to as many face to face Al-Anon meetings in the next 90 days and get as much conference approved literature (CAL) as you can. Just read and Listen!! Get phone numbers from local group members so that you can call a real live person when you are going thru panic!! Of course you can post here also but a real live, real time, person who has been in your shoes is fodder for miracles. I got lots of phone numbers and I used them too!
You can't help him. You've tried and maybe tried much more than I have and I couldn't help mine and wouldn't have been able to help your's either if I tried my old stuff and your stuff combined. There are lots of reasons why including he's still drinking; he doesn't think he's a drunk; this is all he is willing to do (10% beer and no hanging out with recovering alcoholic winners); his will is and your will isn't on the same track; his higher power isn't you and it is a toss up between his alcoholic brain and thinking and what he is drinking; there are many more reason why you can't help him and the most important is ...only God can after your alcoholic "abandons himself to God as he understands God". No preaching allowed!! It doesn't work! I know I tried that too.
Its okay to give up yourself. Its okay to abandon yourself to God as you understand God (steps 1,2,3) and come give the Al-Anon Family Groups a 90 day free trial. It could save your life....while it saves your mind and soul.
so did you put a funnel in his mouth and poor the alcohol in? Of course you have NOTHING to do with his using.
guilt is wasted emotion. there is NO reason for you to feel guilty. work on you hon.
I would not listen to him at all, i would do things for me, drive off and go somewhere. learn to separate from the bs. It is a disease talking thru him anyway. that is not him.
sorry no caps, fingers hurt. You feel what ya do, and don't feel what you don't. that is how it is, accept it. go on.
alcohol is alcohol. pills, shooting up, snorting, whatever is all addiction, all of it.
He may not drink but he is still a raging A.
I would say, not my problem. Which it isn't. Can you control cancer, could you make him do chemo? no.
this is a disease, you did not cause it cannot cure it and surely cannot control it.
did ya read getting them sober? excellent book, easy to read. I usually send them to people but all of a sudden cannot find them.
please please do not allow a disease to hurt you. love you enough to protect your heart and love enough to let him go. he has to figure it out himself. love,debilyn
(I've never said that before...kinda sounds funny) anyhow you have come to the right place for esh. First three steps in a nut shell...I can't...God can...I'll let Him. (God that is). more....Get to as many face to face Al-Anon meetings in the next 90 days and get as much conference approved literature (CAL) as you can. Just read and Listen!! Get phone numbers from local group members so that you can call a real live person when you are going thru panic!! Of course you can post here also but a real live, real time, person who has been in your shoes is fodder for miracles. I got lots of phone numbers and I used them too!