The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i brought up the "say what you mean but don't say it mean" thing last night at my meeting. i am having a hard time with stating my boundries and consequently i am becoming full of resentment and the old anger and hurts are threatening to come spilling out. my ex has been spending all his time here with me and the kids. and honestly, i don't enjoy his company. i would rather be alone. he is so damaged that he repeats the same idea in five different ways. it is annoying and doesn't make for interesting or productive conversations. a waste of time. but he is sober again, in the program, for like 30 days or something and i don't know how to tell him to shut up and get out of my house nicely. i've been thru early sobriety many times and i know it's no walk in the park for either the a or the family. but this time is different because we are divorced. i don't feel obligated to help him thru it. i just am scared to hurt his feelings. these my old behaviors. i am scared of his reaction. he has been physically violent towards me in the past, he is jelous, posessive, and paranoid. so, i don't know how to say what i mean and then have no expectations about his reaction. i feel like i need to prepare for the worst. and with him, the worst might not happen right away. he could hear what i say, be ok, even agree. then a week or two later come at me.
i wonder why i ever let him back into my life. the kids love him and he is good to them. and i was lonely and i really did need the help. we still are on the same page as far as raising the kids goes. i don't know how NOT to play the game. it is just what we do. someone in my meeting last night said that the only contact he will allow from his ex is about the kid. she tries vent to him and he puts a stop to it. anything other than the kid is off limits. that seems like what i might need to do. i just didn't want to have to be that way. lol. i had a dream of the perfect family life and that blew up. then i had a dream of the perfect divorced life and that is also not going the way i wanted. damn alcoholics won't cooperate!!! seems to be comming back to the old"if they'd just do it my way then i could be happy".
it is all a game. but there is a part of me that doesn't want to cut him off completly. i have been sucked back into who is he with, what are they doing, etc. my jelousy. i can get over it quite quickly but it is scary for me to even lean in that direction. i think a major reason for me going back to him in the past was my posessiveness. i didn't want anyone else to have him. like an abusive, crack addict with no job and 4 kids is some sort of catch!! like healthy, beautiful women will be lining up to get a piece of that! excuses, excuses......
I'm laughing and laughing, not at you but with you. I have that same problem. I think I said this in a post a while back that I had a conversation with a friend and said I had a hard time imagining him with someone else. She said you're afraid he'll treat someone else like this? and I said no I'm afraid he won't! He'll get better! Of course that is unrealistic. The odds of him getting better are much slimmer than the odds of him going back to using/drinking right? You know this. Just imagine him with someone else treating them the worst that he has treated you. I know that's easier said than done.
I don't really try to be nice I say I think it's time for you to go now. And if he pisses me off I say I don't have to deal with you treating me like this get out of my house! Remember YOU ARE NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM SLIP OR GO BACK TO DRINKING DRUGGING!!! Thanks for reminding me cuz I do the EXACT same thing. Reminds me of Jerry MacGuire great line (I watched it the other night) She says, "With my need to be nice and your need to be responsible we could waste 10 years". It's not your job to make everything OK for him. He has to learn to deal with his feelings and if you are truly afraid of him hurting you then get a restraining order he can get the kids at a mutually designated location!
I love your posts because it is almost always exactly what I was thinking and helps me to stay on track.
One thing I always keep in mind when I have to set a boundary is that it is about me and for me. Then, when I have to tell the person (in your case) to go away, I always use "I" in the conversation. "I" think I need some alone time" "I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here while "I" work my program"
You can come up with something that fits your needs. Certain days and limited hours for the kids etc. Also remember JADE. Do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your position. It simply IS.
If it's not about them, there is no blame, there is much less hurt and anger. They don't feel the need to defend or lash out.
hope that helps Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
like an abusive, crack addict with no job and 4 kids is some sort of catch!! like healthy, beautiful women will be lining up to get a piece of that!
It happens ALL the time. I think the reason I'm still single is because I'm not enough of a jerk. There is no logic to attraction. I'm attracted to psychos. I know enough and I'm experienced enough not to follow through so... I stay single.
You could set a flexible boundry. Example: You are only allowed at this house on this day under these conditions. If you are here at any other time, you are not allowed to do these things with us for this amount of time.
And then, to re inforce the boundry, you lean on your al anon family. You borrow their courage and energyy.
