The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I been saying the S prayer quite a bit. Especially "... the courage to change the things I can".
I am so tired. I had to remind myself today that I was having suicidal daydreams, like subconcious plans when I found this program. I have to keep reminding myself that if this disease is going to take her, that only I can keep it from taking me and the rest of the family with her.
I have to remember that life without her and the disease is still life, and I owe that to my sons and myself.
And I thank my HP with all my heart that you guys are here, and that this program exists.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so glad you are praying. Sometimes that is the only thing that gets me through the day. I go down the hall at work and pray and pray.
Yes, life is life even without her. You can go on. You know, I keep telling myself to volunteer, get out there, do something for someone that really wants my help! Maybe that is a good idea for you? There are so many organizations that need help or elderly homes with people that need people to talk to. It would keep you busy and realize that there are other worlds out there. It doesn't mean you don't love her any less or worry about her. You just have to keep your sanity and keep busy in your life.
This week I have gone to a meeting every night, and probably will again tonite. It feels much better than feeling like I want to die and just being depressed. It takes action, but it does work.
My prayers are always with you....have a better day. That serenity prayer does work, and makes a whole lot of sense....
There are times when serenity is illusive. Been there done that. I wanted to be angry!! Not just angry but royally pissed off !! I got pissed off at the rediculous thought of serenity...lol It wasn't going to happen. So here's what I did. I allowed myself to be angry. Angry at that ******* disease!!
You said: I have to keep reminding myself that if this disease is going to take her, that only I can keep it from taking me and the rest of the family with her.
That reminded me of a very low period in my life. The thought passed through my brain that "Wouldn't it be easier if I wasn't here dealing with all this"? The next thought was OMG!! What am I thinking??? No one, absolutely no one and nothing should manipulate my thoughts in that manner. Oh HELL NO!!!
I quit trying to find serenity and channeled my anger. It was me and my son against the disease, I was ready to fight. I would protct myself and my son any way I could and by any means. It was NOT going to beat me or take me!! I had to imagine that the disease was the devil itself (which I'm not so sure it isn't).
I came to a point that I just thought :"You are on your own dude" fight it yourself or die, your choice. I won't be sucked in, I won't off myself because YOU won't help yourself. You won't take me or my son down with you!
In my mind this made me hero, even though it is quite cody..lol I was going to save and fight for myself and my son. I had a hero cape and a shield..lol I stood strong against the disease. My 5' 2" grew in to 10" tall. Bring it on!!! HP and I are ready!! It was a fight between good and evil.
I know it's a mental game, but so is this disease. The thing is, it worked. I won, I'm still here. :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If you are getting to a point where your well being is in jepordy, I would seriously talk to a professional. You've already set a stiff boundry, and I'm so proud of you for that. Now it is time to carry it out. You can do it! I promise! You'll be surprised what happens when you carry out your boundries.
Remember what I told arty girl when she was starting out on her own: out of the 100s of leads I've heard, I've NEVER heard "The more I was enabled, the more I wanted to get sober." As soon as someone stopped enabling the alcholic--threw them out, sent them to rehab, sent them to jail, whatever, all of the sudden, they got really,really scared that the things they held dear would disappear. And then, they got really, really responsible, really really fast.
I can only imagine how tired you must be. It is just exhausting dealing with A's and all their chaos and threats etc. But do not give up on you! Trust me I have been there also. So hurt and so sad and thinking what is the use. An al-anon friend reminded me that I have to take care of me. During my divorce I got some counseling and she sent me to my doctor. I got antidepressants and it really helped me gain control of the emotions. Divorce is much like being on a roller coaster in the fog. Everytime you get to the top and get a look at where you are at, you go tumbling down another steep hill into the fog of your emotions etc. Please get some help with the depression and stress. It makes everything so much easier to take. Why suffer?
I am afraid I misled some of you into thinking I was depressed and having those thoughts now. I am not, I am just having to remind myself that making deals with her now would be a big mistake.
She has come up with some doozies over the past few days. In days past I would surely have caved and said yes, I could live with that. But the reality is that she is not capable of backing those things up and I am not willing to go through it again like that.
The only out I gave her was a detox and therepy plan. If she did that, I would do it with her. Otherwise she is going to have to deal with her disease on her own. I know she has to do that anyway, but she would have our home to come back to.
Again I am sorry if I worried anyone. I didn't mean that. I am just trying to stay on top of my courage and understanding what got me here helps. You guys have been my lifeline and I so appreciate it!
Thank you all! (((((((hugs))))))))
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Glad to hear that rtexas!! But remember it takes awhile to get over a separation or a divorce. Just because you decide to leave doesn't mean the heart quits caring. You can easily get down afterwards because it is still hard to make it alone. Alone is where you are forced to keep the focus on yourself because there is no A around! I felt bad...real bad at first. Then the shock wore off and I found acceptance. Then later it became difficult again because it is no picnic being single in your later 40's! I really have no other adults my age to talk to. I have a 5 yr old daughter and a 79yr old mother who isn't always all there if you know what I mean. So even though the A was a real pain to be married to. It felt safer and more secure than being alone. I am like Christy...I have to talk myself into a taller and stronger version of myself. You walk the walk and soon you feel it too! Fake it until you make it!
What I have found amazing is that when I "remind" myself, I no longer get angry. To me this is what they are talking about when they say you don't close the door on the past, you can look back but you don't live there. Looking back helps me to stay in what is real, where you were before you came into alanon was real. You are different today, the situation is the same.
Sometimes when I feel myself wanting to give in to what is not best for me, I believe my HP just sends me thought -- reminders of what is real. Like I said, I no longer get angry, it just helps me to know that what I am doing is taking the next right step.
It might help to read what you can on the 11th Step.
