The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I havent posted in awhile, but read here everyday, and get so much from other peoples words of wisdom, it helps to come here and know that I am not alone in this problem and be able to get a bit of insite to how others deal with their day to day lives with their A's. I have been dealing with the merry go round life style for to long now and know it is not a good way to live, BUT I have decided to get back on for one more ride and am feeling kind of guilty about it because this time I have no hope of ever making it work, my A just likes his beer to much, and I have let him come home under the agreement that we find a cheaper place to live, which we have, a bigger cheaper place to live farther away from the bars, and I feel guilty about letting him come home just to get what I want, I feel like I am using him, but I know in order to be able to afford to live on my own when he is gone (and I know that is just a matter of time) I HAVE to move, but it seems like this time he is really trying to get things right, he is such a good man, works hard, takes good care of us, but I just feel like I know it wont last and feel the need to take care of things so I can do it on my own....maybe this is the "Plan B" for me I dont know, Ive been putting money back that he dont know about,making plans that he dont know about, I feel as bad as he should feel when hes doing the same thing...I feel in one way that Im doing wrong, but in another I feel like for once Im taking care of myself, making sure ILL be OK when the time comes, and I feel bad that I have given up on it ever being better...and that Im not letting him know I feel that way...it hurts my heart to know someday Im going to have to let him go, I love him so much but I just cant live this way anymore, I feel like I have given up the fight and now Im just left with the feeling of defeat...I cant fix it...but Im trying hard to make MY life right...and now I feel bad about the way Im going about it. LOL I would love for him to get better but I feel like Im just waitting for the next round of this fight, Im tired of always comming second to a tin can and his friends and his A brother and his job and every other thing in his life....I feel bad about that and bad about trying to make it better for me and my kids...I feel like Im being unfair making these plans with the thought of him not being here...but Im glad I will be able to stand on my own now...and I honestly think I will be happy to have my own life again...I wish he could see how good our life together could be, but I know he cant so I will just sit back and see where God leads me...and know I gave a good fight, but its time for me to let go and I will. Sorry this is so long, I guess I just needed to vent for awhile, I know nobody can give me an answer if Im doing the right thing or not, I feel like I am, but Im kind of wondering if any of you have been where I am right now and how you delt with the feelings of guilt. Thanks alot and I hope everybody has a GREAT day!!!!
Part of our sickness is feeling guilty when we do the right things for ourselves, when we take care of ourselves and our needs. As you keep working this program, those feelings will subside. Just because you are making plans to leave, doesn't mean that you don't love him. It doesn't make you a bad person, it means that you're human. But you have a responsibility to yourself and what is best for you. Hang in there, things will get better.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Believe me when I say I know just how you are feeling right now. I too suffer from my own decissions. If I do the wrong thing to try and please someone, I feel ashamed of not doing the right thing... then angry and resentful for them not appreciating the sacrifice I just made for them. If I do the right thing, I feel guilty and selfish.
The guilty and selfish thing is fading a little as I take my "beer goggles" off. Seeing things as they truly are, and pushing my denial aside helps me to do the right thing because it's right, not because it's selfish. As a bonus, I don't get angry and resentful when I do the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do.
I hope that makes sense.
The more you try, the better it gets... or it has for me so far.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
