The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My brother has been labelled by himself and others as an alcoholic. Maybe I am speaking from the position of not understanding the disease - but what it looks like to me is that he is just a very immature individual who can't say no to a party.
He "dried out" 2 years ago at a centre for one month. Mom travelled down there to provide the family support they asked for, for a week. I have 2 small children and a husband who works out of town - I was not able to attend that week.
Anyhow, he doesn't drink alone but can always seems to find somebody in any town in any bar to sit and drink with. Even when he isn't drinking his life in general is one of doing the least amount of work just to get by. Anywhere he lives he keeps it in complete filth and disarray - he is either watching TV, working at whatever job he currently has, or is out partying. That is it. He is in his 30's and still asks me to help him with things he should be able to take care of like getting insurance on his apartment or applying for Health Care or whatever. It is like he is still 18 years old and just getting out of high school.
Anyhow, he drank the entire weekend away and then came to me in need of cash to get back to his job. He claimed he has $12 left and his truck would likely run out of gas on the way back. I gave him $10. I am really kicking myself now but I held the key to his keeping or loosing the best job he has ever had. I am sooo mad. I want to tell him not to come to our place next weekend because of his drinking & driving and never being where he says he is going to be and then after having a good time needing to borrow my meagre funds to get back home. I don't know if how much support I should give. To cut him off of us completely, is that the answer???
He knows about AA and he knows that is what he could be doing. He chooses not to. Please help me to understand what I need to do from my position.
you need to do what you are comfortable doing. if you are no longer comfortable giving him money then say no when he asks.if you don't want him staying with you then tell him.it is so hard setting a boundry and sticking to them. just remember that a boundry is for us, to make us feel safe, not against them. their reaction to your boundry is none of your business. it's hard but you can do it!!!
You can always set boundries and limits with your brother. You can always be honest. That's where we get "Say what you mean, mean what you say, it's not necessary to say it mean." You can tell him the next time he comes looking for money whether or not you feel like it, are able or even want to. You can tell him what you need to do. You can be honest with him.
Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you have to save him from himself. You can work Al anon and take care of your self. A true story: one of our members here just lost her brother, to his disease sadly. Because of the al anon program the last few years, they had the best relationship they had ever had. And at his passing, she felt a huge amount of peace, she said, knowing that she had done everything she could to be there for him, not enable him, and show him she loved him.
