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I really don't know where to begin. Please bear with me...this is going to get long.
I began noticing that my husband had a drinking problem about 2 or so years ago, after his first seizure (caused by withdrawl we now know). That was followed over the next year or so by 2 more withdrawl induced seizures, although we were quite oblivious to that fact then. I'll jump to May, when he volunteered to go into rehab...for only 3 days. He came out quite proud of himself and thought that he could make it on his own. The couselors said that I would have my hands full when we left the facility. He stayed sober for 3 whole months. Then he hurt his knee (stupid sports accident). He spiraled after that. On our way home from one of his doctors appointments we stopped for lunch and he ordered 4 bloody marys and got angry when I got that "deer in a headlights" look. From then on he was incapable of not drinking. We talked about "just beer" (it was liquor that was his downfall before). But he couldn't drink just one or two....he had to drink at least 9 or more (usually alot more). Now remember, after he came home from rehab he saw 2 professionals that told him that he was NOT an alcoholic, but was simply self-medicating. Or at least that's what he told me. So he thought he could drink socially.
After several weeks of "oh woe is me" drinking alone in the garage to the point that he would simply pass out, the other shoe finally dropped. Two weeks ago I caught him with a bottle of Vodka. He calmly left the house (without his shoes, wallet, or watch, which our 3 year old pointed out to me) and was found 6 hours later by the police. He was alone in his car...drunk...and holding a hand gun. After that he was involuntarily commited again. This time he stayed 5 days. He says he was forced to stay the 2 extra days because of things that I told the counselors.
He came home and less than a week later was drinking again. This time he would actually go to AA meetings and then come home drunk. He was stopping at a convenient store on the way home and drinking wine. I know he went to at least the first meeting, but after that it was just an excuse to get out of the house (although knowing him, he probably really did go).
Well, this Friday night he asked if going to a meeting and coming home sober would help. I said that it was a great start. That didn't last long. He came home drunk again. Only this time he ended up falling to the ground and rupturing a 2 inch hole in his bladder. At this very moment he is in a hospital room, after the emergency surgery on Saturday.
I find myself at a cross roads. I had already given him the ultimatum that if he drank again he would be asked to leave our home. And in fact, he said on Friday that he would be gone by Moday. (His dad & brother were coming Saturday morning to see him....and ultimately have and intervention). Now I just don't know what to do. He is also on the verge of losing his job. We have 3 year daughter with medical problems and I don't work. He has always made a very decent living.
Right now I am so tired. I don't even know what I hope to get by writing all of this....it just feels good to get it all out at once. My friends are great and listen with open hearts, but I know they all harbor an outsiders opinion.
I was stopping in for just a sec but wanted to take the time to say welcome! You have come to the right place. The first thing I learned in AlAnon that made the most sense to me was the 3 C's...I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it. I apply this to many different areas of my life. Take care of yourself and your child. And let your HP take care of your A. Most importantly, keep coming back to this site and keep posting. You are not alone.
I agree with Tish, the 3 C's have gotten me through a lot of life's little "situations". My A, like yours, is a "functional alcoholic". I know what it's like to feel trapped, like you have nowhere to turn, but somehow life will go on and you will do what you need to do for you and your daughter. You and your daughter are first and foremost. What he will do, he will do and there's nothing you can do to change that. Take care of you and come back and post often, let us know how you're doing.
Welcome to MIP. You have come to the right place to let it all out. You will find among us those who have been were you are. There are lots of tools in Alanon you can get from going to face to face meetings and reading Alanon literature.
Hello Nettie welcome to al anon, and recovery , I hope u will find meetings for yourself quick u need support from people who have been where your at right now. People who will listen and share thier stories with you.
There is nothing u can do about him , the decission to drink or not is his but there is alot u can do for yourself and family, your not the reason he drinks regardless of what he may say at the moment this disease is running his life.
As u have already stated nothing u do works , ultimatums don't work , tears don't work , threats don't work we are doomed to fail because were trying to solve a problem that isn't ours to fix it's his . allowing the A the dignity to live or die the way he chooses was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I dont envy where your sitting right now , I have been there it's not pleasant .
I had to remember that my husb had a Higher Power that would take him where he needed to go but I had to step aside so God could get at him.
please take care of yourself , I pray that your husb has indeed hit his bottom. Louise
welcome to our family... we will laways be here to listen and to offer love and support when u need it.. we are all here for similar reason.. we each have our own story... mine began 2 yrs ago.
i have since left my "A" ex-boyf. i could no longer live in the chaos... that had become my life...
but i still need ths programme.. cox this is about looking after MY NEEDS.. and taking care of ME.
im glad u found us.. as u need to start taking care of you..and ur 3 yr old baby... she needs a strong mother...
i know how your feeling nette.. the anger, the sadness, the frustration, the hoping against hope it will all go away and everything wud get better..... we have all been there honey....
I'm glad you found these boards. There are many people here who care, and who offer much support. As you know, your husband is gripped by this cunning and baffling disease. Maybe if he were not he would make different choices.
But you need to look after yourself now. You cannot make his choices for him and I know you don't need me to tell you that!
Someone said to me, if nothing changes nothing changes. This was a tough one for me to absorb. I hope you're kinder to yourself!
Thanks for posting! I hope you come back again and keep us posted on your situation. Everyone here has either been there or been somewhere real similar to there. You're not going crazy and you're not going to die although I know sometimes it feels like the end of the world. No matter what you choose everything has a way of working out. You know in your gut what is right for you. The saying I have been thinking about today is Say what you mean and Mean what you say but don't say it mean. Ultimatiums never work because they can't get better for you they have to do it for themselves thus the mean what you say. That was hard for me to accept I thought he didn't love me and the kids enough to stop for us. Now I just realize he's sick and it's himself he doesn't care about.
