The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, you need to HALT and take care of yourself. Get something to eat, let go and let God or just Think if you are angry. Lonely, use your phone list, call a friend and what plagues me - Tired....take a break or better yet a nap!
It is all about taking care of you ... it helps you not take it out on others.
My experience with HALT at meetings is that someone is always talking about tired & hungry... as they are self-care issues. Rarely does anyone talk about angry & lonely. I'd be glad to hear sharing on those topics.
Why are we angry? I have to deal with my anger or I'm REALLY bad company. THAT'S when I say the wrong things... There's a LOT of anger surrounding this disease. If I didn't get through the anger I'd be a bad husband - employee - friend.
Lonely... that is the most dangerous symptom for me. Loneliness wrecked my life as a young man. I was desparate, anxious, & became terribly shy. It was then that I met my first wife. She's a great gal... full of life, energy, personality. I tried to fill the "hole" in myself with her. I felt "whole" with her in my life. That's where the problem lay for me. My personal mental health was tied to this woman. She'd manipulate me by threatening to leave me. I'd turn to jelly, crying at her feet - begging her to stay. That was my part in the manipulation game - tears to get her to back off & stay with me. My wife was a pothead - a serious... sleep till 10 - roll a joint THEN start her coffee pothead. She didn't work outside the home or inside the home for that matter. Her life was all around building her weak ego & getting stoned. I couldn't talk sensibly about her addictions to food-pot-spending-people so I held it in & it came out in the form of anger. For me, loneliness is what led to this bad turn in my life for both me & her... her life, dealing with a sick, desparate husband was hell - definitely as bad for her as it was for me. It all started with loneliness & trying to fill the "hole" & make myself "whole" by clinging to another needy person. It was sick - it was sad.
There is hope. My "hole" can be filled with God's love as long as I let Him. God, who I found through the Alanon program, healed the gaping hole in myself. I have since found a wife who is my life mate not my sustenance. She's much more like me - there's love & understanding & no need for manipulation. Communication skills have improved vastly. I'm still very flawed & very human but the recovery continues as does my life. Problems are solved & life moves on. My recovery has been a blessing for me & the people who's lives I touch. To keep it - you have to give it away.
Take care of your lonely feelings... it too is part of your self care package. It's already been suggested to pick up the phone (or log into the chat room)... you can find the love there. God has never given up on you & He'll find you the help you need if you ask (though maybe not when you think you need it - life goes by on God's time, not ours - His timing is always perfect)
I think there is an irony in this maxim. That is don't let yourself get too hungry (and I take that as emotionally hungry) angry lonely or tired. I was that and maxxed out most of the time.
I can still be there.
I have to work super hard to just get to manage what I can deal with. And the A thinks nothing of putting more on my plate in a second.
But of course boundaries are something I knew nothing of. If I knew something of them I would have had some red flags around the As behavior day one. But I did not know boundaries.
Some days with him putting a boundary in place is like putting a red flag in front of a bull. Other days I can do them.
Sometimes I'm Hungry because I'm Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
Sometimes I'm Angry because I'm Hungry, Lonely, and Tired.
Sometimes I'm Lonely because I'm Hungry, Angry, and Tired.
Sometimes I'm just Tired of being Hungry, Angry, and Lonely!
Any one of the four is a gratuitous grouch. Two of 'em, you don't want to be around me. Three of 'em, I am locked in a pay-to-pity-pot. Four of 'em, I'm in serious doo doo.
Anger is the worst of them for me, because when I'm angry, I don't feel like eating, I drive people away from me, and I wear myself out. It's the one thing guaranteed to lead to the other three if I feed it.
I once bought a book on anger managment... about 25 years ago... I ended up tearing it to shreds... LOL. I don't always choose to do the things I know will work... sometimes I _want_ to be angry. This doesn't last as long as it used to. What works for me:
1. Breathe. 2. How important is it really? 3. Let it go.
None of these things involve power over other people, places, or things.
I wish I knew where I heard this first: The only pain in the world is the pain of not being perfect. The only anger in the world is the anger of not being God. Anger for me is fear, or rather, it's a primal reaction to fear - like the wolf bearing its fangs.
I _hate_ having to admit I'm afraid. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I'd rather have you think I'm a total jerk, than afraid of _anything_. But the 1-2-3 above works *if* I apply it to the underlying fear, and not whatever thing I'm blustering about.
And that means admitting... to myself... quietly under my breath... that I'm afraid, and I'm not God, and yes, once again I need my HP ration me some relief and grace.
It really does work. Or, I can just stay mad for a while, until I get really sick of it LOL... Once I called my daughter and was venting about something... she told me to go to my room and chill.... it worked too.
