The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know.... I struggled so much after getting here about if to stay or go or what? I got some wonderful advise about giving it time and when it's right.... I will know.
Well, needless to say we had a really bad weekend. I won't go into great detail, but she was in rare form and I didn't handle myself as well as I wanted to. I lost count of how many times I started the day over.
The turning point was when I couldn't seem to convince her to do anything together friday or saturday, so I decided that yesterday I would spend a couple of hours driving to see a friend in the hospital.
She had a corronary and the hysteria turned into a suicide threat. "... you mine as well call the cops now, cause I am going to end it."
I did call the police, because by then I was over an hour from home. They went by and said she was gone. I was still about 30 minutes away. She was fine. She had gone to the store.
She only said that to make me turn around and come home. That is insanity. If she says that again, I will continue to send the authorites over there. I don't want to take a chance that she might be serious or not.
But, that is it for me. That is twice in 6 weeks she has done that.
I told her that either she go to the local rehab facility, or we are seperating. I love her, and care for her, but I am not going to sit by and participate in this chaos any more. I just can't do it.
This is not a threat to make her go to rehab. I know it sounds like it to her, but she can go or not. If she would do it, I would stay put in order to see what happens. But essentially I just can't bear to live under the same roof with this kind of crazyness anymore.
I have talked to my boys... they are really great kids. I explaned to them exactly what we said, and they were alone and at my oldest Son's appartment at the time. They had spent the weekend together. I am going to do the best I can to just be totally honest with them.
I don't feel anxiety about this being the right thing to do. I feel very very sad that this is the next right thing to do. But things have gotten so toxic at home that our 11 year old is having issue with it. I just think it is the right time.
Please add us to your prayer list if you do that kind of thing. This is our version of uncovering the 2 ton elephant in the room and it is not likely to be pretty.
Thank you all for all your support, you guys mean so much to me.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
((((((RT)))))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. Only you know when you've had enough. I'm glad you talked with the boys over it all, it is never easy, but it probably helps them to understand more.One person alone can never make a marriage work, Lord knows, I tried! You and your family will be in my prayers, with love, TLC
You are very courageous. I feel you are sure and doing the right thing. Your share was very strong and sure.
So sad it has come to this. Follow your head and heart. Think about you and the kids.
Please remember you are doing the best thing you can for the A. It is so hard, but we must allow them to get worse. seems so cruel, but it is the best for them, and we have to protect ourselves and our other loved ones.
The manipulation from the A is horrible. Once you get away for awhile and heal, you will look back and realize this truth even more that you do now.
I know I lived a very normal life, then the A came and it was so neat until the surgery. It became a living hell, yet I would not give up and became lethargic.
Now i look back and cannot believe how horrible it is. I have NEVER been talked to or treated like i was, and would be if I went back to A.
I am not kidding. I never have to hear a mean word.
Can you imagine how kids feel?
Anyway will keep you and yours in my prayers. love,debilyn
Hello rt, I used to hate it when my sponsor would tell me You'l Know routine , but it was her way of making the decission mine and mine alone , and she was right when my husb left our home I didn't try and stop him cause I knew it was time this insanity ended.
He was gone for 6 months almost killed himself drinking 24-7 but God decided tht was too easy and let him live. the separation was the best thing he could have done for both of us , I found out that I was going to be okay with out him , and he found out that home was where he wanted to be and became willing to do what he had to do to get there.
AA and Al-Anon have allowed us to stay together - with out this program it just wouldn't have happened. Sobriety I found out is not the answer to all of our problems . 18 yrs later heis still and A and I still react so I just keep going to meetings and look after me . 90 % of the time life is good . hehe
I'm sorry. My A has also used/had suicidal thoughts/talk in our relationship. Sometimes i am not sure what was more painful, the thought that he may actually do it, or the thought that he was actually using such a horrible thing to manipulate my emotions and actions. With my boundaries in place and plans made for this situation now, it has not been an issue since the last time when I helped him get an appointment with the crisis center and he chose no treatment from all they offered.
You do not have to stay in an intolerable situation. That is still my biggest struggle, all the little things that keep my seperation and divorce from my A from moving forward make it easy for those thoughts of loyalty and fear slip in. Everything will come in it's own time.
Keep on taking good care of yourself. You and your family are in my prayers.
Please remind yourself & your boys that when your wife says those horrible, hateful things - it's the disease talking and not her. I pray that someday she will find the way out of that disease. But you and the boys have the right to live Happy, Joyous & Free. If you feel it is time to make that break, then I will pray that your HP will give you the strength you will need.
Stay in touch - please keep reaching out for the support you need & most of all take good care of YOU!!
ODAT,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Sorry you had such a bad weekend A-wise too. Must be open season on Al-Anoners, or something.
The good thing is, we are still here. You, and I, and all the others who keep coming back, because it works. I was right there along with you starting over all weekend, every 15 minutes. Longest weekend I've had in a few months! Blech!!!!
I keep telling myself the progress not perfection thing, and if I slip I can get back up and jump back in. I tell myself that over and over and over. It sure isn't a fun thing to lose our serenity. Today, I feel washed out, wrung out, tired, shaky, from the meltdown. I keep being reminded to be be gentle with myself, so tonight I am going to be. You, too, OK?
This is a very stong thing you are doing. Stay strong and don't let yourself feel that you are being mean. That's always my hardest thing. It's hard to watch others suffer but you know you have done everything you can do and you don't have the power to help her - it's up to her now to decide what the outcome will be. I feel for you I know it hurts but when the line is crossed you have to act. Please keep us posted we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best for you and the kids.
I always have room for anyone on my prayer list for anyone of my Alanon family members.
Funny thing about making the tough decisions, when the time is right, anxiety usually isn't part of it. A sense of serenity that we have made the tough decision is what's inside of us. A calmness comes.
I do agree that giving an A an ultimatum of "get straight or else I'm leaving" doesn't work. My AH reminded me of that. But choosing not to live with an active A was the best decision I made. It was hard, and I was scared. But in time he did find recovery without me demanding it. So I do believe that there is always hope. I hope she finds it.
No matter what her decision is, I am glad that you have made yours. You sound like a remarkable father. The boys are lucky to have you. Stay strong and keep working your program. We are always here for you. Recovery means taking back your life. Living the life you are entitled to and deserve. We all deserve to be happy.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Prayers, hugs, and support coming your way. You know what is best for you and your boys, and maybe just maybe you taking a stand will show her that she really needs help.
I hope you take your own advice and take care of you!
Yours in recvoery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to surrender. The stress of the constant chaos is so hard on the body and really toxic for children. I for one totallly support your decision and will pray for you. Because even though you will feel an initial relief from the day to day pressures. The fact that you have children together makes it nearly impossible for you to completely get away from her and the disease. So the roller coaster continues but you at least get to have some really good weeks instead of days or hours! Still after almost 3 years apart I fall into the trappings of my ex A's craziness. He finds one thing or another to pick a fight with me about and it is always nasty and very upsetting. Then in a day or two if I detach and follow the program he ends up not doing any of the horrid things that he threatens me with. If I engage...well then I am only fueling the fire and making myself all upset at the same time. Sometimes I do ok and sometimes it is very sad and very hard to take. Being single again at 46 is not my favorite thing but at least I do not have to deal with the chaos all the time and I can be free to be a happy person and enjoy my life. It also forces the A parent to face the consequences of their actions. Who knows...this might save her life too.
You'll be on my prayer list rtexas. It's tough, I know, going through the insanity of it all and coming out whole and strong. But we do it because we must. I respect whatever decision you make about your future, and I wish you all the best. You deserve a good, happy life. We all do.
With caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My heart goes out to you and your boys. You have been through a LOT. I support your decision and will pray for you and your family. You are doing the right thing for you, and you sound like you are strong enough now to do it. I wish always the best for you, you have helped me more than you know. I pray your wife finds recovery, but also that you and your boys live a fun, loving life even if she doesn't.
Thanks for all of your love and support here. Remember to take care of yourself. Please keep us updated. We need you!
My heart goes out to you. I know what it is to live with an acting out A. I feel very sad for you. I am so glad that you have the program to back you up. I am also glad that you can see exactly when you played into it. I know when I can find myself back quickly when I play in that is recovery for me.
