The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so upset right now. After 2 years, I broke things off with my A. He's been spiraling and I finally had to put an end to this after getting an email at 4:15 yesterday morning telling me he was breaking up with me and he was depressed and suicidal. He text-messaged me to read the email at 4:15 and I called his family (where he lives) to let them know b/c I didn't know if he was really thinking of taking his life. In the morning, he called me and said to disregard any emails he sent...he was drunk and blacked out (just saw that he'd sent me the text message prompting me to check).
I went over yesterday and broke up with him. The SICK thing is, I want him back. I want to be with him. I want to work this out. I know it's lethal for me to stay with him, but I am missing him so much. I am so sick, too, I realize to want this chaos in my life. But he does have so many wonderful qualities that I'm sick over not being with right now.
Anyway, I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm going to meetings. I'm headed to one after work today. I am in touch with my Alanon friends. I am just heartbroken. And missing him terribly. Devistated. I'm not sure why I'm posting. I guess, because I feel I can be honest here and people who are loving and caring will say what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. And you won't all think I'm a total lunatic. It just sucks. I don't want to be without him.
Stacy, you are NOT a total lunatic, of course, and we DO understand. I would simply encourage you to continue to work on YOUR recovery, as you can take these feelings as a sign of how sick you have become from all of this. Have you ever read the "Getting Them Sober" books (particularly volume one), by Toby Rice Drews? In a nutshell, they kind of teach us that "if we really love our A's, then we should get ourselves healthy"
Take care of you.... tough stuff, and difficult to get past the loneliness and wanting.... but just try to keep in mind of "what is", rather than what you had hoped for, or wanted it to be.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This part is so painful. Doing what is best for you seems to be the hardest thing, especially in the beginning because we so much want to believe that "it could be" okay, "if only" the other person would _________ (fill in the blank).
I do know it gets easier, the pain does lessen. It takes time to learn to keep the focus on yourself. In doing this you will find your healing and you will grow personally into the person you want to be/know you are/ once were.
I'm sending you many ((((((hugs & prayers))))). Remember this is progress not perfection, we have to gentle w/ ourselves, sometimes it just takes time to learn not to jump back in --- even when we know what is best for us.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a difficult to seperate ourselves from someone who is sick, but you are right. This disease can affect everyone involved. You are doing what you need to do to take care of you and that is the most important thing. If you are not o.k. you will not function and your A is not in a position to be that support for you. A's can be wonderful people and so many of us love their endearing qualities. Ultimately you have to choose what's best for you and what you will accept. Keep going to the face to face meetings and reading literature you will find yourself feeling stronger. Take care
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
((((SG))))) I am so sorry you are going thru this. Wow, you sound just like me back in Jan. My A didn't threaten suicide, but our marriage was just a mess. A big. fat. mess. We had dealt with restraining orders, police, courts, fighting, violence, verbal abuse, property destroyed, therapists, me being hospitalized due to stress, family problems which involved our parents, children, siblings, friends, etc. I didn't think anyone else could have possibly have been through what I had. I thought I was going insane. And I was.
But, you are right. You need to keep coming here, and go to meetings. I too love my A, very very much. And, yes, there were some people, mostly not in Al-Anon who thought I was crazy to stick it out. But we can't pick who we fall in love with. Wish it were that easy. I was miserable with my husband, but when he moved out for 3.5 months one time, and 7 weeks the next time, I thought I would die. During the time he was gone for 7 weeks, I read everything I could on Al-Anon. I did not contact him. I lived on this site, and in chat here. I strongly urge you to get the books Canadianguy mentioned. I read everything on alcoholism I could find. I read AA literature, Al-Anon literature. Somehow, having a written word confirm what I needed to do to get better, helped. I wasn't crazy! Cool!
Separation is very hard for me, and I have abandonment issues, even tho I k now I can take care of myself, and have many times. The fact was, I loved my A, even tho he was (and is still) sick. I had to finally realize this disease wasn't going to "go away" even if he found AA, and was in recovery. The sad thing is, he has not sought sobriety, but the good thing is, my life is so-o-o-o much better than I ever dreamed it could be. I am learning a new way, thru Al-Anon.
I see that you are pretty new here. I hope you keep coming back. You will find hope, strength, love, and serenity here. All you have to do is surrender yourself, and work the program. It works. One day, you will be able to look back in amazement at how far you have come. I have only been here since January and my life has changed so much, I hardly recognize it sometimes! And my husband is still drinking. But I am better. You will be too, even tho that seems impossible to you right now. You just have to decide for yourself what you are willing to tolerate. I must have pretty high tolerence, because my AH and I are still together, but now I am happy. I am in recovery.
You can PM me anytime.
Love in Recovery,
Becky1
PS- I found the books on Amazon, and some on E-Bay, or check the library or bookstores. You won't be sorry.
Logically, detaching makes sense. The heart, for me at least, is harder to convince then the head. What you described I have been through for the past year and a half. I can't stand the rollercoaster and yet, I haven't detached from my A. I don't know what I am so scared of. Can the pain be worse than what I feel right now? I keep wondering why this step is so very hard for me.
Anyway, I know you sent your post a while ago. I just wanted to validate all that you said. I'm sending you my prayers and hugs. Hope you are well.
