The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sure there are some of you who have left your A and have children in common. How do you deal with them seeing the children but not getting sucked into getting back together? How do you deal with seeing them even if you don't want to?
Seeing the A even though you don't want to is inevitable since you have children together. But how to see the A and not want to get back together?? Just keep remembering why you left in the first place.
that is where i am. my ex ah is newly sober (again) and has just moved into the village that i live in so he can be here for the kids as i work evenings. but he is thinking that because he is getting sober and back in the program that that means we will be getting back together and i have been falling right back into the old patterns. difference is, i see it and i am not at all comfortable with it. i don't trust him, i don't even really like him. the experiences he has had in the past 7 months have made him a different person (again) and my experiences have changed me also. to my core. my problem is finding the strength to be honest with him despite what the outcome might be. i know how i want it to go but i know that i have no control over that.
as far as him and the kids...that is between them. i try to stay out of their realtionship as much as possible. he is a good dad at times and then sometimes he is not. but i know that my mother stood inbetween my father and i and i hate her for it. major resentment that i work on daily. i don't want to do that to my kids. so, when he is inconsistent, or thoughtless i do nothing to change that. he is what he is. he is not abusive towards them and we have similar ideas on how we want our children raised. so, there is not alot of friction there right now between us. but that could change. it is not easy and never what i would have choosen for my children. that is the one thing that bothers me sometimes is that i start to feel responsible for choosing such a sick man to have kids with. but he wasn't as sick back then and i was far sicker than i am today. hindsight is 20/20....i try to see the positive in it all. my oldest goes to alateen and loves it. my kids will know what the disease of alcoholism looks like. they will have had a very interesting childhood and they will have and do have great senses of humor. i can't imagine what i would be like if i hadn't grown up with an alcoholic family.
Well actually only one of the children is HIS, but that's not the issue. They are all young (the oldest just turned 12 yesterday) and I'm afraid that he will drink when they are there and they will be unsupervised while he has them. I don't think I'm going to let him take them anywhere, he doesn't have a place to stay right now anyway. The oldest doesn't even really want to see him because she always gets the shaft and I'm afraid to leave the other two without her in case he doesn't take care of them but then that's not her responsibility so I feel like I can't trust him to care for them at all! I don't know how to put that to him so that he will understand that I don't trust him to take care of them. How do you say that in a nice way?
Usually a magistrate of the court says alot of these things FOR you, dear.
If, note the word if, you were to go through the formal process of divorce, proper professionals throughout the proceedings will be VERY clear with BOTH you AND him about WHO will see the children, WHEN, and under WHAT circumstances. The fact that he won't stick with a long term amount of sobriety wouldn't work in his favor, from what I understand; and, if there were some outstanding things that were upsetting to the 12 year old, her opinion could be entered into court proceedings (ex, every time daddy and her go out to dinner, daddy gets drunk).
And, as to keeping space between you and him--why on earth would you want to go back to a situation that caused you such desprate misery? You came here scared, desprate, upset, and flippin' out. As Diva said, do an inventory about why you were miserable with the man to begin with. Misery loves company to spread the virus, dear.
You don't really need to say it in a nice way, but you do need to say it.
There is no nice way to say, and to hear, "I don't trust you", but we can't shield them from reality all their lives (I'm talking about the A here, not the kids - unfortunately, the kids of A's don't get shielded from much...). If he doesn't like to hear it, he knows what he can do. The kids are the ones who need to be protected here, not the adult. As the only sane adult (yeah, I know, but fake it till you make it, they say) it's up to you to make sure they are safe.
I know how hard this it to do - the few times I told my A a few home truths, I felt like I had stabbed MYSELF. That's just the sickness, though - it's not real.
