The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've noticed my tendancy to people please a lot recently. I'm trying to undo this and create new boundaries for myself. I am actually quite surprised at how natural this was/is to me. I've come to the conclusion that my self esteem must actually be quite low. My Abf asks me what's wrong with me a lot...yet he rarely asks me how I am....and certainly never waits for me to answer if he does ask. He is self absorbed and is not really interested in me or what I think. I know this is part of the Aillness and I do make allowances for this. (We seem to have petty arguments as I try to detatch and create new boundaries...I seem to get on his nerves....hence the "whats wrong with you" barage).
But it has set me wondering...what is wrong....I know I have my faults...and I know I find it hard to be in a relationship at times. (This stems from an Afather and upbringing where my sense of self worth was not encouraged, I think).
I feel I irritate my A at times and my reaction is to get away...escape...maybe I feel guilty for my part in the argument!....this is because I feel worthless in myself...undeserving of love maybe....
I'm trying to learn how to turn this around. I know I ought to feel worthy of love and that I deserve it....but sometimes the chasm seems too wide....not sure what I should be doing now.....
Yes it makes sense. I too suffered from such low self esteem, that I just didnt understand that I am worthy of happiness, respect and love. It made me accept things that were unacceptable to myself. Caused me to hide the truth from myself about my own feelings out of fear of losing someone or something that I wouldn't possibly be able to replace. After all I was just lucky anybody might want to be with me!
This program taught me to see the truth, the truth about all of us! We are all beautiful children of God. We are worthy of all that our HP's want for us! To be happy, to love and to be loved. Just keep telling yourself that you ARE worthy of love, over and over again! You will start to believe it after a while!
Annmarie: what you are saying makes total and complete sense to me. To be honest your post was what I was looking for out here... I wanted to be sure I was in the right place. Unfortunately like so many of us who were raised by As I had other experiences which deeply effected me and how I am. (abuse by multiple abusers, sexual, emotional, physical; death of parent-not an A; etc) So, I wanted to be sure working this program was the best place for my efforts and I have to say from reading your post, I am more confident I am in the right place. I could have been reading my own post when I was reading yours...except I am not with an A.
Having said that. 1st know your on the right path. Awareness is half the battle. Watch for triggers, what brings on these feelings of worthlessness? Journal, till you can journal no more. Write as raw and candid as possible and as you are writing, keep tell yourself you are the only person who will ever see this. My therapist tells me, I will find me in there. You are in there, Annmarie. You just have to learn to trust yourself, believe in yourself, and to hear yourself. If I had to guess, you feel other peoples words are stronger than yours. And it is difficult for you to hear your own inner voice? You question whether or not you even have one.
I believe your up bringing has more to do with this then we can even imagine. Just remember, you did exactly what you were suppose to do as a child. You trusted, you loved, you put yourself out there, and you were vulnerable. Unfortunately you were not brought up in a family that would allow for those characteristics to grow they did not nourish them. Actually they hurt them, so they pulled inward as did you. As for it being hard to be in relationship at times, I believe all the things you mentioned are worth examining. And to be honest, I am. I have a great therapist, who is working with me.
I read a really good book, a book which helped me to identify with myself, helped me to see things about myself were normal .. Trapped in a mirror.
I could go on and on about my insights and learnings. I would be more than happy to; but I don't want to bore you or take away from your posting. I can tell you, you are on to something VERY big and even though it will be challenging to overcome .. I tell myself that what is on the otherside of all the work .. is worth it. On the otherside there will be love, compassion, passion, and acceptance .. and I am thinking the one offering that to me the most will be me .. Good luck annmarie, keep working at it. It sucks.. I know AND it feels selfish, but it isn't. YOU DESERVE IT and IT IS TIME FOR YOU.
I, too have just recently come to realize that I do have low self-esteem. I never recognized it before. I thought I had it all together, but what I never realized is that I never have loved myself or felt comfortable with myself. This Alanon journey has taught me that I can be at peace with myself, take care of myself! It is finally time for me.
My mom was an alcoholic and left us at 14. She rarely kept in touch when we all needed her. I took care of my brothers and sisters and then took on my AH and his two small kids when I was 22. I have ALWAYS taken care of others, never worried about what I needed.
I think exercise always helps, and prayer and quiet time for yourself. Do you like to read? Escape to the library for a day and just relax, or to the park if it is nice. I have slowly begun to do things by myself or with friends and it is slowly becoming apparent that I don't NEED my AH to be with me a lot. In fact, he is not very happy to be around most of the time anyway!
I wish you luck and love and please take care of yourself. The more we do, the better you will feel!!!
Self esteem is a tough thing to establish. The disease messes with our heads and we think that the insanity is normal and is right. We begin to believe the lie.
I think the most important thing I've done is hang around people who are affirming, insightful, and have self esteem--people with a solid few years of recovery, who are working the steps, the program, still active.
I have found so much wisdom in your replies and so much I can actually identify with when I think about it. I thought I was a lot stronger, in control, than I am reall. I'm now realising this slowly.
Heidi, You're so right. I've been praying so hard lately, and I usually enjoy walking but that has slipped a bit lately (I sprained my ankle a few months ago, and am wary still!). I'm going to get back into it though. I know I have to. I was thinking of joining a gym too. I do like to read and spend time by myself, but don't seem to have had much time lately. God.....what a lot of sorry excuses that is!! Thanks for your advice. I needed a push in the right direction.
David and Tiger, affirmations, yes. I really do need to start believing in myself more and hanging around with positive people again. I haven't been doing this enough lately. I like Louise Hay's affirmations, I have a simple book, must dig it out tonight. Thank you for helping me.
And Newbie, When I first came here I was very naieve and removed from the reality I was living. I've learned to grow. I see much wisdom in your reply though. I agree that out childhood years have a huge effect on our lives. I'm living proof of that....I'm journaled out too, been writing like mad...and am very surprised at what comes out. I very much agree this is good advice. I haven't written for a couple of weeks now though...maybe this is a mistake too. If you can remember the name of the book you read I'd like to give it a go. Thanks for your concern and direction. Much appreciated.
