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Alright, so I attended my first Al-anon meeting on Monday. I was so scared because I didn't know what to expect, and I'm extremely shy on top of it. By the time my 1st step meeting was over, I was alot more relaxed and somewhat relieved. I was happy to know alot of other people are feeling the same frustrations and sorrows that I deal with. There was a meeting I didn't make tonight, I'm still letting everything sink in...so much information, but the pieces are starting to fit and I'm getting a better understanding of my A and his wiring. I also understand now that I have alot more work ahead of me then I ever imagined.
Anyway, detachment....
I have read a bit about it and seen it brought up in the chat room. I think I have an idea of what it is, but if someone could help me out or give me some suggestions on how to start tackling this one, I would be very appreciative.
Reason being is that I'm totally surrounded by A's. If you read my post about "used, abused and somewhat confused", you can see that my husband and his sister are A's. Well, then there is his other sister, parents, uncle, grandparents, and cousins...this is not an overexaggeration. I think there is 2 that are not A's and one is an A in recovery for 15+ years. Then you have my family, my mom, my dad (who killed himself drunk driving), his brother and sister, his dad, and some other cousins on that side...and then there is my mom's parents, when my Grandfather passed away last year we found beer and whiskey at his apt. (Was not suppose to be drinking, liver disease) and my Grandmother has been recovering for 30+ years (Go Gram!!!) There are also friends that I care alot about and don't want to see them hurt or sick.
So any suggestions on how to do this would be super great!!
congrats (((momof2))) on your first ftf meeting! Good for you!
Detachment! Oy! So simple a word, so complicated a concept at times!
And then throw in that we gotta do it with love! Sheese!!!!
The best way I can define it for you from my perspective is by way of an example from my own life.
Too make a long story short, I found while working my 5th step that I had a big problem in regards to my father. He is an untreated alcoholic who has been sober on his own for over 25 yrs now. But he still has some of the ism's. And well, so do I! I have long had trouble being around him. My whole personality changes, and I shut down and become very defensive and quiet.....and resentful! For no good reason really! He doesnt have to do anything but be in the same room with me. Its all about past issues..stuff that I have carried with me for years. A big thing that bothers me is that he still treats me like a kid. I'm 43 yrs old, for pete's sake! But I finally realized I am always gonna be his kid, no matter how old I get. And that, it is unlikely that he is going to change the way he treats me. So the only thing I can change is me. The way I react to the way he treats me. And in the past, I reacted exactly the way he treated me! He treated me like a child, so I reacted like a resentful teenager most of the time. Ugh.
Okay now for the detachment!
Once the wise man I worked my 5th step with, pointed this relationship problem out to me....I became aware of it for the first time in my life. Now when I get around my father I have understanding and awareness. Understanding that he is probably gonna treat me the way he always has. Understanding of why. Awareness, of myself and the fact that I dont have to respond the way I always have. I can detach from two things! One is my fathers treatment of me. He is my Dad. And he loves me...sometimes he just isnt very kind or respectful of me. But I don't have to let that get to me. I have also found myself detaching from myself! (how's that for confusing!) And I actually sorta picture myself sitting on my own shoulder watching my own actions. And poking myself when I see me starting to do those "same ole" things again. It is almost like a game to me. And I actually can smile now when my dad says something to me that would have at one time really gotten to me.
Now for the benefits of this detachment.
For one thing, I can be around my dad now without getting all "messed up". I don't have to shut down from who I want to be and sink back to being a kid again. So, I find myself being able to enjoy my time with him, rather than just waiting for it to be over!
The other benefit is even more amazing! When I stopped responding like a kid. He stopped treating me like one! duh!!!!
He actually says "thank you" to me now, when I help him with something.
Non of this is perfect by any stretch of the imagination! I have to work hard. And I still slip from time to time. But with continual practice it becomes easier.
Well, I don't know if this helps you understand or not...lol....but it sure was good for me! lol... Sorta cleaned up my tools on the subject.....so that next time I need to detach from those parts of my dad that bother me, I will have my armor all shined up and ready to go.
Welcome to MIP, glad you found us. Sorry that I haven't welcome you sooner.
Detachment is something I struggle with as well. I let my hubby make his own choices, adn then face the consequneces of those choices. But I am there to support him if he asks for it, and I love him, even when he can't love him or me (well the way I want to be loved).
What helps me soooooooooooo much is the whole Hula Hoop Image. I imagine I am in a hula hoop. What is inside the hula hoop is in my control, everything outside is not. If something happens, I ask myself what is my part in this? If I do have a part I do what I need to do, and then let go. If I don't have a part in it, then I don't own it.
LOL much easier said than done, but I tell myself Progress, not perfection. And we all are works in progress.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (dolphin123)
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Detachment I think is something we may get right on the good days, not so much on the other days, not on the bad days.
I think the best example I have of detachment, simply put, is minding my own business. Letting people live with themselves and letting them make decisions that will allow their consequences to interviene naturally.
