The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was talking to a friend the other day trying to figure out why I couldn't just let go after all I have been through and I told her I couldn't stand the idea of him being with someone else. She asked me why? and I didn't know. Then she said you're afraid he's going to treat someone else like this? And I said No, I'm afraid he wont and then what does that mean about me? I feel a little guilty because I'm afraid sometimes that he will get better and I will have given up on him pretty selfish of me.
I was totally consumed by these feelings during my husband's and my last separation.
The first thing you have to realize is that it IS possible that your break-up will force your significant other to realize the cost of his addiction and he may seek help and get sober. He may NOT come back to you when this happens, he may think there is too much water under the bridge, and he wants to start fresh with someone else with no baggage. He may really want a fresh start with someone who only knows the new sober him.
Now that we have talked about what is possible...lets talk about what is likely.
I have the opportunity for hindsight with my EX husband. He beat me up pretty bad and was a pretty big creep. However, with his new girlfriend he beat her with a lead pipe and nearly killed her and she has a huge gash in her skull. So...he got WORSE with the next in line. And he had gotten supposedly 'sober" when he did all of this.
Sometimes a guy is just a creep and they stay a creep sober or not.
So...although it is possible that you put up with the garbage and someone else will get the "goodies" when he gets well, it is highly unlikely.
Try not to worry so much about him and who will benefit from what. You have tried it with him and have had enough. Pretend he fell into a bottomless pit, LOL, don't ask about him or wonder about him. If he ever DOES (which is iffy) straighten up to really be good to someone else, hopefully, if you come to know about it, you will be so happy and content in your own healthy happy life it won't faze you a bit. You may even manage to be a little happy for him!
In the meantime...I have been there...and I know it is hard...but I survived it and you can to. Hang in there!
I have heard many times at meetings, "I put up with him/her for x years! I damn sure aint gonna let someone else have'em if they get better! I have done my time!"
And honestly, I felt the same way too, when my now ex-wife was divorcing me and already dating someone else. Sheese, "after all I did for and put up from you!!!...blah blah blah"
But what Isabella said is so true. And it just doesnt matter! Who knows what's gonna happen with them. But we can sure work on what's gonna happen to us! We can learn to get our stuff straight and learn how we can be happy, joyous and free whether they get better or not.
I was told too, that I should pray for my ex-wife. That I should pray that she get everything out of life that I want for myself. This was really really hard at first. And a complete farce too! lol. But, ya know, after a while it started to become more and more sincere. And it is so freeing for me, to think positive thoughts for her, rather than negative thoughts for her. Those negative thoughts only hurt me.
Anyway, those feelings of guilt are natural..and don't beat yourself up about them. Maybe just use that guilt as a sign of something you need to work on about yourself. Guilt is good! Pretty clear cut sign of something I need to work on about myself, if I feel guilty about something!
A few years ago we seperated. He moved in with his sponsor and started working a program. He ended the relationship. I was devestated, because he was finally not using and then I didn't get to be with him.
Well I threw myself into alanon, and we both got healthy, seperately.
We found out way back to eachother. We reuintied one week shy of a year seperation.
All I am trying to say is letting them go may not mean letting them go forever.
HP is the only one who knows what will happen. Do what is best for you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy (Dolphin123)
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Hello Carolina , your taking on the responsibility for his drinking . Your not the reason he drinks. His behavior has nothing to do with you . I understand your thinking but your also setting yourself up to fail . This is his problem to fix . Leave it with him Louise
Please find meetings for yourself and get your life back on track .
Carolinagirl: I can relate to your feeling gulity. It is hard, so dog-gone hard. *sigh* I have come to the conclusion that what I seek or would get out of it is, if they get sober and choose me; 1. Then it isn't me (that caused it..I can cure it...and if I just continue to give and be good.. I can control it) 2. They chose ME! I am no longer second to alcohol, I am now 1st .. which translates ... they do love me, they do want ME, I am worthy. I am not saying this is what it means necessarily to you; however, my guess is you can see for me -- my need for this program and my need for growth. And more than likely if you look deep enough you will see the need for you, too. It is not healthy. We need to love, give, and attempt to understand ourselves at the same level we do our As.
Challenge yourself to stay on this one. You can work through this. Look back at everything else you have overcome .. that was done TO you. Now it is time FOR you.
I wish I could just go with the bottomless pit plan but we have a child together and he's on his way back to north carolina so I know I'm going to have to deal with him. He wants to see the kids and I can't stop that. I just don't want to get sucked or I should say suckered back in! I'm going to have to get together a list of rules this weekend so that I have something to go by and I'm not just floating around out there able to be swayed because I have no guidelines.
I think the best solution I have ever found is the reality that who I am in private may be a different person in public.
So he hooks up with another woman? You remember when he hooked up with you? What was he like in private? What was he like on the "good days?" The "bad days?" What about your "bad days?" Were you even allowed to have "bad days?"
Does that put a new prospective on the deal for this poor woman?
She's got her work cut out for her, who ever she is. She's also got a handful of a child on her hands, with juvenile emotions, emotional sensitivities, explosivness, and insanities. Sobriety is about growing up and being a productive citizen. The early years are all about learning to think like a "normal" person.
Sounds like more work just LIVING with the person, to me.
I had a breakdown, after my second child was born. The doctors told me that I needed some therapy, that things didn't have to be this hard. I remember feeling like a light was shining on me - hope was being offered. Maybe I could really fix all of the broken unhappy parts of me, maybe I could really be all I was meatn to be..... And then I said "I'm afraid to get better. If I get well, maybe I'll see how sick HE is, and won't want him anymore" and I walked away. It took another ten years of sickness before either of us got some help.
Sometimes we cling to our sickness, but that doesn't mean it's good for us. It just means we're afraid.
