The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just a quick question on how to overcome the characteristics we developed in your experiences with As. Does it help to address the issues with a recovering A. Is that where the issues reside or does just working the program do it? Just curious.
I probably should let an old-timer take this one, but maybe I will share my view too.
I don't discuss alanon with my husband at all. If he knows that i go it is because he has been snooping. I don't see this as "sneaking" behind his back, I see it as having the right to privacy.
Most alcoholics are not happy about themselves and so project that onto others and are quite critical.
I do alanon for ME, I don't want to defend it, justify it, or argue about it. I just go and work on myself.
Alanon is about US, how we can move on to a healthy and happy life despite dealing with alcoholism in our lives.
In my opinion, alanon has NOTHING to do with my husband so I keep it to myself.
I found "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped me a lot. I agree with Debilyn that education is very important. There are some very good books that will help your recovery, and will help you understand better.
Addressing the issues of recovery I think are quite individual. We all have different ways of finding our way. At MIP we support each other along the journey to recovery.
My first thought was that looking for help from the A to deal with our issues would be like the A looking for help from alcohol to deal with his/her issues
I believe that my addiction (one of them) is to the A. It is for that reason that I believe that Al-Anon works for me. The focus of the program is on me. By working the steps with my sponsor, I am learning to identify my character defects and unhealthy patterns of communication and relating. I am also learning how to let go of those defects and change those patterns--regardless of whether the A is active or not. I did alot of that work with people other than my A in the beginning because I was not grounded enough in my own recovery not to fall back into those old patterns with the A who was fighting a similar battle of his own. However, the better I got at identifying my defects and changing my behavior with others, the easier I became to do the same with my A. But, I never let myself forget that recovery is a process and that "relapse" is a part of my recovery as well.
I firmly believe that the old saying works both ways: just as I did not cause it, could not control it, could not cure it--it being the alcoholism--neither did my A. I think that that is why each party in an alcoholic relationship has to have his/her own program of recovery. Otherwise, it is two sick people trying to get each other healthy, which is never a good idea and generally doesn't work.
Another thought is, if the A is working a program of recovery he/she has a lot of work to do. Why should I burden my A with being an active participant in my recovery work as well as his own. If he drinks, he will die. I would rather that he focus on his own recovery. The A's struggle, especially in early recovery, is simply to stay sober and to start the journey of self-discovery. That doesn't mean we can't share our victories and our struggles with the A, but I know that in my experience I have found an understanding and empathy with my Al-Anon family that my A does not have for me at this time. He is still learning how to identify and handle his own emotions, as well as how to communicate in a healthy way with others. I set myself up for resentment when I expect something from my A (collaborative recovery effort) that he simply cannot give me.
Again, welcome to Al-Anon!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thank you each of you for your response. Words can not describe how much it means to me and how much it is appreciated.
The A, I was referring to is my father. He has been sober some 17+ years and our relationship has never quite been the a close, loving father/daughter relationship it could have been. I have distanced myself from him as a form of self defense. He loves me dearly and I know I am his life; I love him and do not hold him responsible for his decisions, I am not sure if I am saying that right .. I don't hold myself responsible, I just know it was the alcohol. They recently found two black spots on his lungs, we do not know what they are at this time. Anyway, this news has created a sense of urgency in me to set things right between us and I am just not sure if that will come from working the program alone or if I also need to talk to him.
The things you have said have helped me. Thank you.
I THINK you're asking about character defects. These never go away. As we get to know who we are in our 4th & 5th steps, we find out that these defects are blocking us from having open relationships with other people, with ourselves, with god.
Sobriety is not a garentee of functionalism. A favorite saying I have heard goes "You take a drunk horse thief through AA's 12 steps, you still have the horse thief, but now he speaks AA." Your father is well aware of the damage he's caused you. But maybe you are ready to look at you? That is where al anon comes in.
In this particular instance, I think a lot depends on whther he is sober in recovery, or if he has just stopped drinking, and is a white knuckled dry drunk.
If he's been in recovery for 17 years, then I think it might work if you tried to share some of what you are feeling. He's used to facing uncomfortable truths, and you two might find some peace. If he's just not drinking, I would still try to reach out a bit, but keep the expectations low low.
Even if the two of you have the best reconciliation possible, and find real peace with each other, your healing would not be over. It's just not that simple.
Take small steps, but do take them. If he dies before you have a chance to say any of what you are feeling, it will be even harder to get past it. I think I would start by opening up just a bit, but making a real effort to tell the truth about that bit. Small steps, low expectations, say what you mean and mean what you say...... See where that takes you.
This would ba a good topic to discuss in detail with your sponsor, if you have one.
