The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just when I start to feel really good about my decision to divorce my A/cocaine addicted husband, so that I can get on with my life and have a happy future...... he calls me and begs me to come back.
He says he promises that he won't use and will quit drinking if only I will come back to him. He says he knows he took me for granted and he promises he won't let that happen again.
I have told him many times that I'm not doing this to punish him. I'm doing this for me. I also have told him that he needs to get some help for himself, not for me. He says he doesn't want to go on without me. He mentioned sleeping pills in one conversation we had, but when I asked him about it later, he denied it. He says that there's no point in getting help if I'm not his wife. That's not fair to put that kind of pressure on me.
I feel very bad for him, but I just don't have any faith in his promises. I have heard them all before. I just can't keep having this same conversation with him. I just can't seem to get through to him. I've told him that even after we're divorced he doesn't have to be completely out of my life.
It's not been an easy decision for me to file for divorce. I agonized over it for months. He thinks I made a sudden decision and I suddenly have a different attitude toward him. I don't. He was just not paying attention in his drunken, drug-induced state.
It really breaks my heart to hear him crying to me over the phone... but I still don't want to risk going back to the life I'm trying to get away from. I've been through too much. Too many lies, too many empty promises.
Thanks so much for being here... sorry I rambled on and on!
Arty
__________________
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Hello Arti , yikes same old same old. Somehow the adict always know how to rattle our chains. Hold onto th thought that this is for you not to hurt him. I have found after my many yrs in recovery that I pay little attention to what people promise or say, I watch what they do. Actions speak louder than words . If he is serious he will find recovery with or with out you.
Ministers have been known to remarry couple on occasion . Keep the focus on yourself and your needs while he takes time to do what he has to do. Louise
I am sorry. I know how hard this is. I have not yet made the decision to move on, but leaning definitely that way. Nothing is changing, so you have to change it. It IS agonizing, isn't it? Now that you are ready to go, he is begging. You sound really strong and know that you have gone through too much and that you are ready to move on. Pray for your HP to guide you through this - I know what you mean though, too many empty promises, too many times.... endless letdowns.
What I tell myself sometimes is that my leaving may just save his life?!!! I don't know this, but I know when I chose to get sober I was worried about losing HIM! That was the main reason I sought sobriety, scared to death to lose him. Maybe once your AH really loses you (of course you remain best of friends if you want) he will realize that he needs you and will go seek treatment.
My prayers are with you.... hope and (((HUGS))) too...
Well sofar I have gotten thru the first 3 paragraphs and am feeling like I'm reading my own story with the begging and pleading and threats of suicide. It isn't fair, you're right! I'm going thru the same thing right now, mine is on his way back to the area. I haven't gone as far as filing for divorce but I feel that I am better off alone at this point and don't have much hope that he will quit for good. I feel for ya just know you are definitely not alone in what you are dealing with! This seems like standard MO. My ex was an A too same trip when we split up.
My husband did the same thing. The moment I found out he was using drugs, it was rehab or homeless. I don't think he really understood how serious I was. Those boundaries went up immediately. I have a 7 year old daughter to protect.
I then got the phone calls...crying, begging, telling me he can't do this without his family, the next thing is death he tells me. I kept sending him the same message...you have to do this for yourself, not for me. It was very hard, but it worked. He is now in rehab in Canada, by his choice, not mine. We are going on three weeks...
Stay strong and don't get sucked back into his manipulations...that is exactly where he wants you.
Food for thought from someone on both sides: I have NEVER, EVER, EVER, heard a lead in AA that goes "Well, when she let me come back home, I followed through on my promise and got sober." ANY TIME "she" lets "him" back "in", the same ol' same starts up, and it's 1,000x worse.
BUT.....
I have heard 100s, REPEAT 100s of leads that say,
"When she didn't let me come home, I knew she was serios. That's when I got serious and got sober."
