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I promise this is my last one tonight but I wanted to take a minute to talk about something the last post brought up. My daugher (his step) and my AH have not gotten along for many years. He constantly finds fault with everything she does. Sometimes I even think he lies about things to put her in a bad light. Anyway, every time he got into an argument with her he would tell me to "deal with her". I always found this so unfair because I couldn't really see the things she was doing as all that wrong, just normal preteen stuff. AH would always say shes my favorite, the golden child.
On the other hand, the child we share in common can do NO wrong. He can be like taz and even if he spanks him he feels guilty about it and he allows him to get away with everything and says it's because he's the baby (almost 5). I say it's because he's HIS baby (not out loud but just here right now).
Is anyone else battling the issues of a blended family? I had two but the middle child was under 1 when we married. She gets his love as does the youngest but the oldest bears all the burdens of taking care of the others when he's supposed to be caring for them but is drunk. On top of all that he gives her no respect. He absolutely hates the oldest sister in his whacked out family and I think he is projecting that onto my oldest. I think there are many similarities in the ways in which oldest children act but according to him mine is a demon child and everyone elses are angels. She is a little mean spirited and selfish but I would put her far out of the demon realm. The reason I left this time was that in his drunken spewing he said I had to choose between him and her and to send her away somewhere/anywhere. I didn't realize at the time that he was drunk so I wondered what she had done wrong. I am having a hard time forgiving myself for believing him many times over her and for putting her in this position. Needless to say, I packed us up and moved out within 2 weeks of that incident. I thought it's one thing when he does this crap to me, calling me a b(^@# and all that even in front of them but for him to say that stuff about her knowing she can hear every word I just couldn't be responsible for letting him do that to her anymore.
Anyhow, appreciate any experience stories about AH's and their interactions with children, particularly the oldest. Is this a common thing?
I believe this falls into that thing,"we cannot rationalyze insanity."
does not matter what he says or what he does, there is no equal sign after it. All it is, is a disease brain sparking out nothing.
The he does this, he does that is all moot. What do you want? What do you believe? That is my experience. When I stopped doing my usual attention to detail, wanting to figure everything out, I started on my own program.
The A will do what they do, say what they say. I don't care, I take care of me, and if there are kids, I would take care of them too.
I have no idea at all now where my A is. His choice to stay away.
I could ask, well what makes him stay away, or why does he not just call me.
Does not matter, the disease has him by the unos and that is that.
Sounds like you chose to move on. Not easy to do, good for you. Of course he wants to draw you back in. It is the disease talking. It will hang on as long as you allow it.
If it were me, would have caller id and block all his calls. Maybe if we cut the tie, they will get lonely enough and sick enough of the illness they will choose another way to live.
I have the same situation brewing. My A and I have been together 7 years...I won't get married. But we live together in a house I built and own. I have a 10 and 12 year old and to be honest, they are starting to pass him up maturity-wise. Last night my 12 year old son declared he was starting a band (he doesn't even have an instrument!) and was going to have practices in our basement. I said "cool". My A then declared that no one will have band practice in this house and the band should practice at another "band member's" home. Well my son, who was just dreaming, said "it's my mom's house." You know...I didn't blame him...but then my A went into a dissertation about his financial contributions each week and his caretaking of the house....blahblahblah....I was furious. I didn't stick up of either of them...but I told my A he was arguing over a hypothetical situation and acting more immature than my son. He got up from dinner and went into "his" bedroom and never came out. My kids just shook their head. I am realizing that when they were little I could camoflage his disease...but as they get older, they are subject to his sick mind. He is good with both of them, harder on my son as far as resonsibility issues, but playful and fun. My issue is he competes for my attention and acts jealous of their happy life (his childhood was not so great). He wants to be the "man of the house" but medicates himself with booze and acts like the baby of the family.
I am just thankful I logged on today and read your message. We are all affected differently but have a common bond. Stay safe and keep your kids safe too.
The As in my life are the most selfish, hateful, mean-spirited people I have ever met. It it isn't their way - then it's wrong - or I'm wrong - but everything and everyone else is as fault - and it's not their fault.
Being a single parent was hard for me - but it was harder living with my A.
First off honey, post as many as you darn well please. Second off, what you are going to have is a HUGE HUGE HUGE problem. That your husband feels that he can dicipline one child liberally and not the other is a SET UP. Period. I HIGHLY recommend you find a councelor of some kind to help you set up SOMETHING--down the road, that little girl is gonna get a HUGE amount of anger in her toward her father for this, and that little baby is gonna get a HUGE amount entitled because he "can get away with murder." But so long as one child is being called on the carpet and the other child isn't so much being honestly diciplined, there's gonna be problems. Even if you are the ONLY consistent diciplinarian, those two children are gonna come to depend on you, just like you depend on us, just like your husband depended on you to bail him out when he was in no man's land. Kids DEPEND on authority to show them what good choices are. Period. Right now, SOMEONE's gotta make good choices for BOTH these kids. That someone MIGHT be you. ((HUGS))
In psychological terms it is called splitting. The A I live with does that (please note I don't refer to him as my A) he idolizes certain friends and denigrates other. Either you are "all good" or "all bad" and the projection (because that is what it is) has not much to do with behavior.
I dont' think there is any arguing with someone who is projecting. I was thinking about this this morning before when the A said stuff I would argue and try to change him. Now I reflect on it and decide how to act on it. Reflecting is better than knee jerk reaction because for me reaction becomes more reaction and then compulsion.
I was compelled to change the A. Now I am not. In actual fact my life is better now because I am not re-acting to him, I have taking action around him. I set lots of limits (one is not to engage with him much). I could not do that before I was still trying to change him and trying to find out what it was he was saying. I'm 6 months +++ into al-anon and it took me this long...
Thanks guys, actually my daugher has been in counseling because she has attachment disorder (gee I wonder why). Anyway we talked about that today with the counselor that we get along a lot better now that he's gone. We need to make some strides in her attitude and behavior though. I took her yesterday to get her hair done for her birthday today she got blonde and bright red streaks - something my A would never have let her do. So we talked about her getting more priveleges but taking more responsibility too. I just don't know if the damage can be undone so that they can at least have some sort of relationship. Her natural father is dead (Was drunk and fell down a flight of stairs and hit his head) so I'd like her to be able to get along with him enough to want to see him on occasion. Oh well I guess that can be her choice if she doesn't want to that's the price he pays for his behavior in the past.
Some of this is jealousy I think. Well...lets be frank, alcholics are not knows for their mental and emotional health and stability.
My daughter and my husband did not get along well at first and while some things have improved some things have not. I always thought my husband was jealous of our bond, jealous that she ALWAYS came first in my life.
My husband too is full of bad news about her, she can do no right in his eyes just about. Over the years I taught her to ignore him and blow him off as he is a drunk and not sober most of the time at home.
It wasn't always easy. Once his parents gave her a bicycle as a gift. Husband thought he ran the show since it was his parents who gave her the bike, so he took it over. He used it to punish her. She only got to ride it ONE day. Once he took over he had it so she was CONTINUALLY on punishment so did not get to ride the bike for 6 months. Punishment for things like not exercising or something else sick.
I tried to reason with him and he would not budge. So I just scrimped and saved and bought her a bicyle myself that I controlled, and that I let her ride, LOL.
OK, that does not make for much family unity, each parent doing things their own way...but how much of that is possible in an alcoholic family anyway? After all, I am NOT going to go along with something I know is wrong. I am the sober responsible parent in the picture, and sorry, what I say GOES. I simply can't take a drunk parent seriously, and the kids don't either to be honest.
Fortunately I never had another child with him so I don't have advice on how to handle this scenario but I CAN tell you that it may have nothing to do with alcholism or being a stepparent.
I know many families, including my own and my husband's where the "baby" got away with murder basically and was never disciplined. It made a lot of resentment when i was a kid that my brother (a natural full sibling, no step or addiction in my family) never got discipline and had the world handed to him on a platter. My parents bought him a CAR when he was 16 to run around in and they would not even buy me a moped and I had a job to get to, i was on my own and walked or rode my bike in the rain. I had to work and save and buy all of my own stuff, AND did all of the work in the home. My brother lived like a King, my mom served him dinner in bed, took him to school (I had to ride the bus, walk, or my bike). I did all of the housework while my brother layed in bed and blasted the radio. You get the picture. My eldest sister was the "badguy" even though she too was a natural child. She got hit the hardest with discipline.
They say each child is different...and you are a different parent to each of them too. Add the natural conflicts of addiction and alcoholism and WHEW that is a big mess.
Of course you know that we, the ones who were disciplined win out in the end. All of the spoiled pampered babies I know in life rarely grow up...ever...and stumble and fall many times in life.
This may not help your daughter understand...but maybe you can try to explain it.
I advise my daughter to "stay away" from my husband. I tell her to see him as "trouble" and to not engage him in conversation if she can avoid it. I do this too, so we do a lot together.
To this day when he tries to talk to her and disciline her she goes behind his back and makes the drinking "signal" with one hand and the "crazy" symbol around her forehead with the other...sad...but her way of coping. Sometimes what he says is good advice...but that is rare, and she won't hear it since she does not respect him.
Stepfamilies are tough to deal with I know I will never enter into another one if I can help it. My daughter is determined never to marry anyone else with children as she knows firsthand what a nightmare it can be.
