Paying their debt - Al-Anon Family Group

RedHead · Member

Paying their debt

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Red , of course u have to pay the electric bill and the water as u said u have children at home , to me this means we don't cover thier bad checks , or bail them out if they borrow money and can't pay it back from friends or family . Keep is simple your and your childrens needs come first. Some utility companies will average out over the yr the cost of hydro and water use , they will aslo take the money from your account ( automatic payment) if u ask them to. Perhaps on a good day u could aproach your husb about using this form of payment to make things less complicated for all concerned. After all he uses water and power too. Take the aproach that it is one less thing for him to worry about . It just might work .

Louise

RedHead · Member

Louise:

He won't do that. He'd rather wait until bills get shut off to pay them. I HAVE drawn the line with paying her personal debts. He owes lots of people money, has fines he has to pay, etc. He will go to jail before I would pay any of those. I never have and never will. My poor kids get so embarrassed coming home and finding a utility off.

I just tried to talk to the A about coming up with some kind of solution and he just says, "I don't want to talk about it. I don't care if we have water or not" Then he proceeds to blame my 18 year old son who just graduated high school and recently got a job. He says he should be paying money into the household. That has NOTHING to do with him not paying the utilities. The A would rather spend his money on his Harley and going away on bike week trips than paying the bills. I asked him if he could at least run the turn-on fee up to the water company tomorrow. He says, "Why can't Nick do it?" Nick (my 18 year old from previous marriage) is going to pay the water bill before he goes to work. You pay this two different places for some stupid reason. So I'M paying HIS responsbility and he has the nerve to complain about having to run the money to the water company.

The ONLY thing that amazes me is that he didn't come home drunk because of this. Usually, he would. Of couse, there is a small part of me that's thinking that the bottle is hidden in the shed out back and he'll get to it as soon as I'm not looking. But I'm not saying a word. IN fact, I'm pretty proud of myself for trying to be civilized this time. Usually, I yell but this time I just tried to talk. But HE wouldn't cooperate. I can really see that the yelling doesn't make a difference in the situation. I still have to pay the bill no matter what. But not yelling at least keeps the household a little calmer.

Cindy

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Redhead)))) <==== these are hugs by the way

Many of us understand the money issues with living with an active A (An Alcoholic who is still drinking). And Abby is right there are certain bills you have to make sure get paid in order to live. Just because his name is on it, doesn't mean it's only his responsability.

I made a list of the bills in order of importance. And I make sure I can pay the ones I need to in order to live.

- house note, electric, gas, water, food, my car - in that order. Then there is the pile of other stuff like my CC bills, her CC bills, her nails, her clothes, her beer and cigerettes. If the money is going to run out, I make sure it doesn't keep the kids and I from having a place to live and food to eat.

It is hard sometimes to sort it all out, because if you live with an A, they will likely not be reasonable. Thier decissions won't make sense. That's part of their disease.

Al-Anon us for us, and one of the first things someone told me here is the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. You can do lots for you however, by learning all you can and asking for help when you need it.

I am kind of rambling, but I hope you will keep coming back and posting. Many of us have been right where you are right now, and we help each other get through it. But it takes time and effort on your part to get there.

Take care of you! You are worth it!

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Looks like you've already learned an important step that saved my life I think - when I stopped yelling, suddenly there was only half as much ugly noise in the house. Something to be thankful for.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have somewhere else you could go stay for a few days the next time this happens? Just a thought if you had someone to visit for a week or two and just leave it off while you're gone.

BTW - Texas - Love that hippo weeble! LOL

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I really liked what rtexas said.

For me, since I am married to an A, I set my life up not to depend on him for anything. I can only control me.

A's are sick, what they do is part of their illness. As far as I am concerned I expect NOTHING from an A. Their disease is a lot like brain damage. How can we expect sanity from that, or caring?

All we can change is ourselves. We cannot make the A into something they are not.

I made boundaries that I am clear on. Now I never hear from my A, have NO idea where he is.

As they cont. in their disease, they will get worse. I am so glad I got things together before he got so horribly bad.

Things will get worse. As long as he is actively using, he is getting sicker and sicker. It is so sad.

I am on disability, and struggle, but I did not lose my home, and things have gone pretty darn well.

It sounds like right now you feel things are pretty out of control. That you cannot afford to do it all. For me I had to look at needs not wants.

What is most important. Being a mom I am sure you are doing your very best now.

Maybe look at turning the lights off.Not taking long showers, hanging up the wash. I know you have kiddo's so it makes it harder. However economizing things that don't bother you, may help the bills not be so high.

This is only my experience. I know it is hard too though. As I would economize, he began taking longer showers....I would not tell him. lol sad but true. A's love to sabotage things.

I would mop my floor and he would let the dogs in and not wipe their feet. Then gripe about the dirty floor. rrrrr

Well anyway as time goes on, and as you learn and work your program, things will get better.

much love,debilyn

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I wanted to add, in my experience, I had my own money account. protect yourself.

Also if I were you, I would put that inheritance in savings. You may need it very badly someday as his disease gets worse.

love,debilyn

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I completely agree with Abby.

When we talk about "financial detachment" what we're saying is that if your partner's bartender asks for YOU to pay the bar tab--not your business.

If your husband's bookie calls, and his balence is due from the game last week, not your business.

If your husband's boss, the IRS, or a bail bondsman calls, telling you that his IOU is due, not your business. They need to go directly to him.

So you're living on a budget you said? And you don't have enough money to pay all the bills?

Here is what we recommend, standard, to our members.

1. Be proactive--before the bills are due Even if it is time, call the company for whatever bill--mastercard, electric, water, etc--and tell them exactly what you told us. Tell them the whole truth. And if you need to borrow some courage to do this, you have my permission to borrow mine. Our members generally tell us that a payment plan, an agreement, or something gets worked out between the company and them so that the bill gets broken down into smaller, more affordable amounts.

2. Live in today I know this is easier said than done. But our members--and I include me in this--often find out that when they handle the TODAY affairs, and only the TODAY affairs, the money comes, the bills are paid, and there's still a roof over everyone's head.

3. Be honest with everyone involved--you mentioned your son has a job; you mentioned your other children. Be honest with them about your feelings. LEt them be honest with you about theirs. Everyone right now is hurting and humiliated about your husband's alcholism. Invite your children to come to al anon, if they want. If there's no al anon in your area, PLEASE, go to open AA meetings, and hang around with recovering individuals who, with their families are reaping the benefits of, one day at a time, living the 12 steps.

4. Keep coming back! It's so easy to ask for help when we're in trouble--but we forget what it's like to be in trouble once we're outta the woods! No matter how good-or bad-things are, just come back. Check in. And know, no matter what, we're in your corner.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have had similar issues with the A. I kept dipping into my money and paying bills all the time. That is the essential bills, the rent, the electric. Then I decided to make a plan b. I started saying I am not going to pay it and I am going to make plans so if it is not paid I can go elsewhere. A's live in chaos. I covered up, dealt with, made good the chaos for a long long time. Now I don't. Of course I still get blamed for issues like the rent, the electric etc but I no longer pay them. It is bad enough that I have to pay for what I do.

I think this is a really hard one to get out of. I know I had to let go of trying to second guess what the A was not going to pay next. I had to focus on me. They seem to need so much attention to be causing all that chaos all the time don't they?

Maresie

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.