The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really sad today. Except for a couple of short conversations about bills, I haven't talked to my AH in 5 weeks. I have been doing really well this time, but of course this is only after being kicked out of the house for the zillionth time. I have been reading my alanon literature, going to f2f meetings, and doing things for myself. I just got back from a weekend trip to Myrtle Beach, SC. Still I am feeling this huge void in my life. I have been trying to "fake it until I make it". For right now I have no desire of wanting to go back to my AH. There is just too much water under the bridge and I am no longer willing to accept unacceptable behavior. One thing that has helped me get thru this is looking back and remembering just what it was like living with an active alcoholic. There are so many secrets and lies. I am realizing that there are things about my AH that I probably don't know and things that I probably don't want to know. All those red flags that I chose to ignore. The reflecting is what has kept me away and kept me strong in my program but it is also depressing me. All I can think about is what was I even thinking by getting involved with an alcoholic in the first place. I know what the answer is. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and was desperate for love. He was more than willing to give me love if I chose to overlook his alcoholism. So that was the trade off. What's so ironic is I don't think there was one time in the 4 years that we were together that I felt truly loved by him. I found him to be very shallow in his feelings and very selfish. So why am I now feeling this huge void in my life?:
Hey I was also at the beach this weekend (Sunset) trying to forget about my AH who left weeks ago. I wonder about the void also but more I question why I would even entertain the thought of going there again. I have been here for almost a year and have NO friends or family here. Usually I feel ok tho. I go to work and keep extra busy and I'm finding it easier to think about other things. It helps me not to have him around or calling. If you need a friend to talk to send me a message I know I could use one.
My best guess is that because what you wanted and tried to tell yourself was there, is not. I kinda went through the same thing when I first realized that what I had been wishing for, just wasn't. I had to face the illusion of "the dream"", but it was only "my dream" and it just wasn't going to happen. So, I came to know that void was actually grief. It's a sense of loss. I got much better when I quit dreaming and looked at what IS.
Take good care of you, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Oh I agree. The death of a relationship always brings on grief. We are grieving for what we wanted it to be..what we thought it would be, our dreams. etc.
When you look at it this way instead of laying the guilt or blame on yourself, give yourself a break and offer the grief up to your HP.
We Al-Anon's are so good at analyzing everything and taking on so many burdens of guilt and complexes we often forget we are "people" too.
Let yourself feel the feelings you are experiencing; write them down if it helps.....and move on.
This is exactly where I am tonight. Trying to fill the void. I have my health, my home, my job, my sons, my pets, and grieve over the death of a relationship with my AHsober. I also am trying to fake it until I make it. And what is it? At least we have each other in Alanon.
yikes its threads like this that make me think about staying in AlAnon. I too feel the void - deeply. Friends have their families, extended families, etc to keep them busy on wknds, etc. Im usually left by myself. Especially now that our 14yr son wants his own life! (I completely understand). Im trying to find things to fill my time with. Just this past wknd I made it through until Sun afternoon when the boredom set in. I get jealous of friends who are with their families. One friend just celebrated her 20th anniversary and guess what? they are friends! they do things together. Im lucky if I can get A to go out for dinner once every few months (ya get to their stomachs, works sometimes). I consider going to AlAnon just for something to do, so I can be with people. Guess its not just a "marriage gone wrong" but its the alcohol that Im effected by too.
I think anytime we lose something personal to us, we feel a "hole" in side of us. And I think also, inherently, Al Anons are "fixers"--we like to divert our attention to things we can "make," "do," "fix" because it keeps us from our own insanity. And if you're the kind of Alanut I am, I really am uncomfortable in my own insanity.
Sponsorship has made a HUGE difference here. So has professional help.
Please keep coming back. Please keep being honest. You are right where you are supposed to be.
He was more than willing to give me love if I chose to overlook his alcoholism. So that was the trade off. What's so ironic is I don't think there was one time in the 4 years that we were together that I felt truly loved by him. I found him to be very shallow in his feelings and very selfish. So why am I now feeling this huge void in my life?:
