feeling used and abused, little confused - Al-Anon Family Group

mommaof2 · Member

feeling used and abused, little confused

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello mom well ultimatums never work they always backfire , in my experience anyway . and often we make threats that we are not prepared to carry thru anyway which only makes us feel worse. And the threat may cause him to m ake promises he can't keep and all to just get us off thier back. and the merry go round starts all over again . That is our insanity in this disease we keep tring the same thing over and over again expecting that this time it will turn out different and it never does.

Please find some al anon meetings for yourself , you are the only one u can change and the only one u have any control over is YOU . You are not the reason he drinks , your simply not that powerful to make anyone drink OR stop.

Blaming another person for his drinking is usless , he makes the decission to put that drink down his throat . Until we allow them to take responsibility for thier own behavior absolutley nothing will change. find a meeting and change what u can . Louise

Do it for you and your kids. they deserve one sane parent . * hugs*

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Mom,

You can beg, threaten, scream and throw him out if you chose, the thing that you have to realize first and foremost is that you are powerless...powerless over his drinking as well as powerless over his disease....

It is not one other persons fault on this planet that he got drunk but his own...denial is a huge part of this insanity....

Please find some help for yourself, as that is the only thing you can change in this insane wold of addiction...you.

I wish you the best, hope you join our on-line meetings and please try as best you can taking things one day at a time..one minute at a time...

Best Wishes,
Andrea

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Mommaof2)))))))))),

Welcome to the MIP family! Here you will find great strength, experience, hope, love and humor (good for the soul).

As Andrea and Louise have stated: ultimatums don't work. My AH (now recovering) has told me one of the worst things you can do is to try and control an addict. Frankly trying to control any adult is futile. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to active or not. Bottom line. We have something here called the 3Cs: You didn't Cause it. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it.

Setting boundaries (such as no drinking in the house) are helpful. But you must be prepared to stand by them. The action must have consequences if they are to work. The reason we say not to make any life altering decisions yet, is because we need time to get stronger. We do that by attending f2f meetings, online meetings, reading about our disease and their disease. As we grow stronger we are able to make choices that are best for us and our family. We understand your frustrations and hurt. We've all been there.

Please go back and read the old posts. You will see that you are not alone in this. Join us for the online meetings, or come into the chat room and talk to us. We are always here.

Our recovery has to be about us, and for us, regardless if the addict chooses sobriety or not. Recovery is about taking our life back and living the life we deserve and are entitled to. Recovery is absolutely possible for us.

Love and blessings to you and your family. Keep coming back to us.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty (the cat)

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my experience that whenever I try to manage another, a situation, or anything in my life, my life will inherently become unmanageable because I am trying to control a situation that is, period, God's.

I highly encourage you to persue Al Anon meetings in your area. I know personally your area has FANTASTIC Al Anon and AA meetings, and many of the AA meetings are open, which means you are welcome to attend and listen to people who are recovering from alcholism live each day sober. Perhaps some of them tailgate at the Packers games, sober--that sounds like fun, doesn't it?

I encourage you to come back, and to keep an open mind.

mommaof2 · Member

Thank you all for your support and understanding...I know that I have quite a bit of work ahead of me on understanding him and what I have become because of the disease.

Also thank you all for the advice, I'm not sure still how I'm going to handle him when he comes home from work, but it will not be with the altumatium I was going to give him.

And this would not be the first time I gave him that choice of either quit or go...so I should know better what the result would be.

Tonight will be my first face to face meeting. Please wish me luck, and thanks again for all the support...it is much needed.

Leia

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I gotta say, I have been down that road more than once and also have 3 kids to worry about seeing not only their drunk dad but also my tolerance of it. My advice to you is not to leave in the hope that this will be the thing that makes him get better but because you believe that he wont. I have left before several times thinking it would jolt him back to reality but every time he starts sliding down that slippery slope again. That is another control tactic. The best thing to do is let go and either he gets better or he doesn't but it's not your problem either way. If he appears to be better, I would give it a good long time to see how long it lasts rather than jumping back in. I realize all this is easier said and thought about than done. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, welcome. I agree with what you have already heard - an ultimatum only works if you are prepared to follow through on it, and if you are doing it for YOU, rather than to force an action on someone else.

It is horrible to watch someone you love (used to love) drink himself to death. It is horrible to have your kids watch it. However, it is the nature of the disease. Our only choice is whether we watch it from up close or far away - whether we remove ourselves from the situation or not. That choice is different for every person, and different at different times in our lives. No one here will say "Well, why don't you just leave?" the way your friends sometimes do - we know how hard it is to leave, and we know that leaving won't really solve the whole problem, because a big part of the problem is in US, and we take ourselves with us wherever we go. I know, for me, it's no accident I married the man I did - no accident that all previous serious boyfriends had substance abuse problems. If I hadn't married this A, I would have found another one.

There is help here - it doesn't work quite the way I thought it would when I started the program, but work it does.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.