Well here it is! My 500th post to this board! Who’d a thunk it?

Now hang on…cuz it is a long one!!!

I thought I would do a little thinking back about my life since I first came into Al-anon on April 17, 2004. For some of you who have been here the whole time, you know most of this story. For those of you who are new, I hope this gives you something you can use in your own life. But mostly this is for me. Because I just need to share how I feel about this place and what it has meant and done for me.

Lets see. At the time I crawled into my first al-anon meeting, which was actually an aa/al-anon conference, I was at the end of my marriage of 10 years. My wife, who was the alcoholic in my life, had been attending AA meetings for 13 months when I got here. She actually signed me up for the conference at the suggestion of her sponsor. Her sponsor thought I might need it! He he he, I will have to find that wise lady someday and thank her. What an amazing thing she has done for me. She wasn’t my ex’s sponsor for long, but she certainly has made an enormous difference in my life!

To back up a bit, I was raised in a home under the influence of the disease of alcoholism. My father is alcoholic (sober on his own over 25 yrs now) as was his brother, father..et al. It was also present on my mom’s side of the family to a lesser degree, though her dad was also one who liked his beer very much…and a high ball on special occasions.

And so I grew up around it, and came to hate alcohol and being around someone who was drunk. My dad would go from being this extremely intelligent, talented man to a blob sitting in his recliner rattling his glass when ever it was empty, so mom could refill the drink da jeur, usually Seagrams VO and coke. Boy did I come to hate that sound. And mom, good little untreated al-anon that she was, would dutifully fill the glass, though not without some pretty choice words.

So be it as it was….of course I was destined to marry an alcoholic! What choice did I have right? Lol. And I knew she drank a lot, though to be fair to me, and so I can justify my actions…he he…. She told the priest at our pre-marriage counseling sessions, that, Yes, she had had a problem with it in the past, but that it was done. She didn’t need alcohol anymore. I believed her. I am sure she believed herself too. We were in love. We wanted it to work out. We were going to grow old together…..live in the same house and have the grandkids over on holidays. She would wear purple…and I would sit on the porch and whittle. Lol.

Once the bloom was off the rose, so to speak, alcohol worked its way back into our lives. Slowly at first, but as they say, Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And it got progressively worse. And so did I. I became the expert at fixing her. I monitored her every move. Counted the beers for her, so she wouldn’t have too! Cleaned up the gravey from the fried mushrooms off the entertainment center when they missed the mark of my head when she threw that at me. Why? Cuz I was nagging her about driving drunk, about being out too late….about…sheese who knows…anything of a hundred things she did just to piss me off every day! Me!! Good ole David. Supreme good guy. There I was, babysitting her two young babies from her first marriage while she was out working late, and then out drinking late.

And on it went. For years. Until one day, March 3rd 2004. She went too far. After a day of drinking, she threatened to “kick my ass” as it were..lol. And I had finally had enough, or so I thought. Resolved to end our marriage the next day, when she sobered up, HP stepped in for me and saved my life. My wife woke up the next morning, and finally said the words I had longed for. “I think I have a drinking problem. And I am going to call Alcoholics Anonymous and find a meeting.”

Hmmmm….now you may be asking yourself, how that saved my life. Let me tell ya. I wasn’t ready to divorce really, I just was ready to end it. I was a mess. Suicidal. There had been other issues besides the alcohol in our marriage relating to her fidelity. I had no self esteem left. I felt so absolutely worthless and beaten down. I did not want to live anymore. Had our marriage ended that day. I cannot say what my life would be like now. But I can tell you, I doubt seriously al-anon would be a part of my life, if there was a life for it to be a part of.

So I was ectastic. I was hopeful for the first time in years! I was the perfect little AA supportive person you can imagine. I did not get jealous of the meetings. She could go 3 times a day if she wanted. I did not care! She was getting help! And things were going to be ok afterall! God, I thought, had done what I had been asking him to do for years. Got her to quit drinking, to save our marriage! Happy Times Indeed!

But not really happy times. They were times of growth for her. They were times of stuffing for me. Times of living with the belief that all would be great. Believing that I was happy. Denying the underlying pain, anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal towards my wife, stuffing them down deep inside and telling myself to shut the hell up anytime I would start to think about those things. By golly, we had a mission now! We had to support her recovery!!!!!! We had to do whatever it took to help her to stay sober. And what did that mean??? More of the same actually. Me doing everything I could for her to lessen the stress. Take care of the kids. Take care of the house, the vehicles….support her in her job in any way I could. And I just got sicker…and sicker. While she seemingly was getting better. But I appeared happy to everyone. Including myself. She was not. She was moving on. It took a year for her to tell me. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to die again.

Then I went to that conference. And I met my HP. My HP looked like something I would never have dreamed of. It was a group of people from every walk of life. Lawyers, Bikers, Farmers….Beautifully dressed ladies and gentlemen…and scraggily looking guys and gals, even a blind man with his seeing eye dog. And they were wonderful, all of them. Each and every one. And they all greeted me with a smile and they were all glad to see me. (all except my wife that is…lol…..she seemed to be resentful that I was there..but oh well!!!) One lady came over and introduced herself to me, she knew my wife. Her husband was in AA and he had been working with my wife, so she knew part of my story. She hugged me. She talked to me. She went to her car and gave me copy of “How Alanon Works” and “Paths to Recovery” and told me to take them and read them. She told me where and when local meetings were. She told me she would meet me there the following Tuesday. I read the books. I went to the meetings.

I heard an AA speaker tell of how he went from living a homeless life on the streets to becoming a Senator! I was amazed. At the end we all joined hands in a circle, and said the Lords Prayer. I couldn’t get the words out. I was crying too hard. NEVER! Had I felt so full of my HP’s spirit. Never had I felt so much unconditional love.

So I started going to meetings. Two a week wasn’t enough. Five months later I found MIP. I don’t remember how. I haven’t a clue, just know HP had a hand in that. And oh my, how wonderful was it? I came into that chat room first. I needed someone to talk to now!!!! It was amazing. The first person I can remember talking to was a man named Haximon. He “held” me as I cried about my pain. About how my wife was leaving me and how I didn’t know if I was going to survive it. I cried so hard I couldn’t hardly type. He would just tell me to “breath”. And oh my God, it was so good for me. Dittiebop was there. Bikerdad was there, Wasfedup. And a sort while later, Kismetstrand, Maria, Senorabob, Wings..Mastiff, And so many more names I can’t even begin to write them all down here. Many have left this site, some still remain. All of them are so very very special to me. They saved my life. They were there at all hours of the day.

We have cried together. We have laughed together. We have listened, we have shared. We have grown. We have loved one another as the special people that each and every one of us is.

What an absolutely perfect name for an Al-anon group. Miracles in Progress. Because that’s it, absolutely! We are miracles. We have all been given life, and the ability to give life to others. And by that I don’t just mean biologically. Al-anon has given me a life I have never known. A life filled with hope. A life filled with the possibilities of things so great, I can’t even fully comprehend them sometimes.

Where else but a 12 step program are ya gonna get something like this? And what does it cost? Just time, and whatever we care to contribute. How good a deal is that?!?!?

And al-anon gives me a place to share what I have been given. A chance to repay in some small way that which was so freely given to me. Understanding, hope, laughter and above all else..Love.

So where am I now? Divorced, single..living alone. And I accept it, and I know it was the right thing for both of us. I have so much more peace and serenity in my life now. And believe me, so much more love. I love my life. I have wonderful friends both in and out of the program. I have been places and done things I never would have had the courage to do prior to al-anon. I am blessed with good health, a job I enjoy and 2..make that 3 kitties that are happy to see me EVERY time I come home.

Sorry this was so long, if you made it this far…lol..thanks for reading.

Keep coming back folks, we need each other. I need you.

Yours in recovery,
David