The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I had already been detaching for a long time before leaving. He had been sober for 10mos and when he went on a runner in June and disappeared for 4 days I wasn't even concerned. It usually starts out as a pain in the pit of my stomach and then I start checking - calling, checking the credit cards, looking for him. Then I get angry. Last time I did that for a few minutes, realized that it was happening agian and then took the kids to the beach and went on about my business. The next day I called his work to see if he showed up and they were frantic. They sent out search parties and called me several times a day. They called the police and made me file a missing person report. They thought it was strange how unconcerned I was but I didn't want to disclose to his employer that this was the 20th time this has happened. After that it all went to hell in a handbasket started happening every other weekend. I came home from taking the kids to Wilmington because he was "too sick" to go and he and my 12 year old daughter's bike were gone. I went out looking because it was getting dark and finally got to a gas station who said he had been drinking 40's all day on the curb out front so they called the police to bring him home. (I live in a rural area) Then I told the cop to take him somewhere else, I didn't want him there but there is a serious lack of EVERYTHNG in NC. So I called all night packed his bag and dropped him off at a treatment center.
How pitiful is that to be so desperate as to take your daughter's bike and go up to the store to get alcohol? Anyway, that was when I decided he was going somewhere and I didn't care where, either to treatment or in the middle of the swamp (lucky he had insurance). He was gone 3 glorious weeks and when he came back he was back at it in 2 weeks. It has progressed from binging every 6 to 8 mos. to every other weekend and I fear daily is next. He is a complete a$$ when he drinks and I decided I don't have to be treated like that and it's not good for my girls to see me letting myself be treated like that.
Wow that was nice to get that all out. Reminds me of why I don't want him back! I'll have to hold on to those bad memories real tight when he shows back up in a few days so I can close the door on him. Sometimes it seems like childbirth where it didn't seem all that bad but when you tell the story it reminds you how bad it is not only what you're saying but more all the things you're not saying.
I think I need to make a list of these things to refer to whenever I feel weak about letting him back into my life.
Detachment is hard. But if we do the same thing we get the same results. Sounds like you are seeing things clearly. I too am always amazed how heartless A's are even when it comes to their own family. Remember to take care of yourself.
Please remember that you are dealing with two people...the A and your DH. Detatch with love and take care of yourself. Let him hit his bottom and then let him climb back up. He did it once he can do it again.
HUGGS
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I can relate to the detachment. I also have now a way of seeing what I am becoming an angry,resentful person. One of the As friends showed up, he is the non drinking phase of his alcoholism, he can control it. He looks much much better. I did not recognize him. He has a new job. His wife called and there was the cue, the resentment just poured out of the telephone. That is me, the nagging, raging other half. What a way to live your life. I do not utter those raging words these days but I do live seeped in resentment at the A's ways. I am past middle age now in my 50's I don't want to die with this stuff and that's the way it is looking.
So I welcome posts like this one. Do I want more of this? Nope.
That gives me the motivation to do what I have to on the plan b, to keep at it despite being exhausted and feeling awful (I have terrible allergies) and to keep working on turning over what I do next.
