The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not much one for posting to boards, going to meetings, or forgetting. But I am at wits end and I am... well I just don't know.
So, My wife is an alcoholic. Dry now for almost 4 months and that is great. But that is the difficult part as well. She is involved in local AA meetings and I have been to a few too.
Let's get some things straight right away. I love her. I resent her. I question whether it is a decade plus of incoherrance or if it is simply that it is her true nature I am having issues with. I am fighting this battle every day. If I could just forget some very specific things I might find my own sanity and figure things out. These things are most likely drunken moments for her but all to sober for me.
One more disclosure. I am under a good buzz now form an very good bottle of wine. I hardly drink now. About 2-3 beers a week at neighbors.. but that is about it. This wine was one of those "save me bottles" and I figures what the hell, what really was I saving it for? Drinking it alone?
So now to the nitty gritty. I cannot forget anything I want to, yet I retain everything I don't. I remember my first warning, although I did not see it as a warning at the time. It was more than a decade ago and less than 3 years after our marriage. At the time, I questioned myself, but more than that. I do not know how to describe it. But it destoryed me. And it is like an open wound today. And I have brought it up to my wife and I do not believe she remembers it. I want to forget. How do I forget?
So there was a bunch of other things along the way. But that one time, just burns me and it hurts us today. And it enrages me.
So let me say that I did not get the message back then and I do regret that. Life went on, and we both enjoyed it, through a whole lot of booze. Years later, our kids, her kids, were in middle school and high school, when I realized something life shattering. We were boozing and partying too much and the kids were... well, on their own, just a bit. Not that much, REALLY. But enough for me to notice. Too much for my liking. So, I stopped. I was home WAY before 9, cooked, watched TV, and stewed when my wife did not take my example.
So now we are years later. Kids are a success, Professionals for the girls and Coast Guard for my son. It seems. my wife just got the message. Her changes are simply a MIRACLE and I give all the credit to her regular meetings, brought upon by an atomic bomb. A MIRACLE and my neighbors know it, our friends know it, and I know it. But I still cannot forget the past.
My nature is a peculiar one. I like that word peculiar, as it really defines my closest relatives, my growing up, and the life I lead now. I give no excuses, but I simple do not understand, nor can I accept addictions. I am a black and white guy. Do it, don't do it, but is there anything in between? Not for me. That is why I program computers, but that too hurts my shades of gray.
Back to basic question, How do I forget? I have not mentioned the Rage part of the subject, but rage runs in the family too. When I do not forget, and my wife cannot possibly remember... I raqe and I think I have been quite lucky and I bet that luck is catching up on me.
So, how do I forget? I think that is the first step and I just cannot figure it out.
I dont think I will forget. I think I come to terms with it. I feel anger a myself for not acting ont he red flags. I gave him so many chances, I let so many things go. I redoubled my efforts. What I needed to do was detach and uninvolve myself as I am now. I can't do much about that now except work on letting go of the rage(it is toxic) and removing myself as much as possible.
I think it is something to work through rather than forget. The good thing is you can do that with them or without them.
I could see that. But I am not detached. I could be, thinking of that made me wite this, but I am not. It takes but a small discussion, a well deserved nag, or nothing, and I am flaming again ready for the worst.
SOME OF WHAT YOU SAY WAS AND IS ME ALSO...LIKE YOU, I TOO AM VERY BLACK AND WHITE...LIKE YOU ALSO, I TOO HAD THOUGHTS THAT WOULD NOT GO AWAY AND THEY CAUSED A DEGREE OF ANGER---WHEN MY AW WENT INTO DETOX AND REHAB LAST YEAR I SPOKE WITH HER COUNSELOR AND SHE RECOMMENDED I CONTACT ALANON BECAUSE OF MY ANGER TOWARD THE ALCOHOL...WELL I SIGNED UP HERE ABOUT 18 MONTHS AGO AND STARTED READING A LOT OF POSTS AND I REALIZED MY ISSUES WERE NOTHING COMPARED TO MOST OF THE STORIES HERE- SO I THOUGHT I HAD BETTER GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND TAKE CONTROL OF ME...
I HAVE SOME OLD THOUGHTS AND THEY STILL RUB ME THE WRONG WAY-SO I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT HAPPENED AND I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I SCREWED UP BY LETTING IT HAPPEN TO ME-AND I REALIZE I CAN'T GO BACK AND MAKE IT HAPPEN DIFFERENTLY-AND I LAUGH AT ME FOR LETTING IT AFFECT ME...MY "ISM" OF CHOICE IS LOUD MUSIC-LOUD ENOUGH TO TRIGGER MY LOBOTOMY---FOR ME A LITTLE GEORGE THOROGOOD, JOE COCKER, JEFF HEALY, OR STEVEY RAY TRIPS ME BACK INTO ME...OR MAYBE DEPENDING ON THE MOOD OF THE DAY A LITTLE OLD FASHIONED COUNTRY GOSPEL---I LAUGH AT MY MISTAKES AND HAVE ALWAYS VOWED TO MYSELF THAT I WON'T MAKE THE SAME ONE TWICE...
I THINK TEN YEARS AGO IS A LONG TIME--YOU CAN'T GO BACK--JUST DON'T LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF---YOU WILL NEVER "FORGET" BUT YOU CAN LEARN TO CONTROL THE RAGE--RAGE IS HARMFUL TO YOU AND YOU KNOW "YOU" DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR OWN RAGE---WHEN THINGS OR THOUGHTS ENTER YOUR HEAD THAT ARE TRYING TO SCREW WITH YOU---JUST THINK OF THOSE KIDS AND HOW GREAT THEY ARE TURNING OUT---SOMETHING MUST HAVE BEEN DONE RIGHT TO HAVE THOSE KIDS MATURE TO FINE YOUNG ADULTS---LATCH ON TO THE GOOD STUFF...
KICK THE ANGER AND RAGE OUT--THEY ARE IN YOUR CONTROL...
My husband has been sober 16 years.I started having rages about a year and a half ago.Not every week,or even every month.I would scream at my husband and throw things,turn over furniture.I thought I was going crazy.
I now know that the rage came from my giving so much to everyone else and nothing was being given back to me.I was everyone's helper,perfect sister,perfect daughter,perfect wife,friend,employee.But I was giving nothing to myself and no one was giving anything to me.
I was exhausted,physically and emotionally.I thought I was showing love but I wasn't feeling loved.It would take just one little thing to set me off.I was just totally depleted.How could anyone ask anything more of me than I am already giving,I thought?I was angry and it exploded.
My husband wanted a divorce.There were other reasons but one was the rages.He said he couldn't live like that not knowing when I was going to blow.I don't blame him.I did not understand at the time what was wrong with me.
So the pending separation sent me once again to Alanon.I came here and started reading.Eventually posting and then starting to work the steps.This time I started the digging process that we all must do to find peace and serenity.That is when I realized what the rage was about.I have been coming here and going to online meetings since March.I am a different person today.I am nobody's perfect anything.I am learning to care for myself,take time for myself,and do some fun things that I enjoy.
My husband even gave me a 2 month coin when he noticed the difference.There is no rage in me anymore.The anger has disipated.I am not expecting anyone to take care of me or meet my needs anymore.I do that.That's ok with me because I am the only one who knows what I need.
I agree with Maresie,I don't think I forgot anything.My husband has lost many memories of even good times from our past.I can't do anything about that.I don't think it's about forgetting for me.It's about working through it.We all do what we can with what we have.We make mistakes.When we know better,we do better.We have to forgive for our own good.Resentment is poison to our wellbeing.It only hurts us,and benefits us nothing.
I hope you will stay with Alanon.You have been affected by the disease,there is no escaping that.The damage is done.It's up to you now to change what you can and make your own life better from here on.You are worth it.
I think through Alanon we pick through and decifer where the anger and rage is coming from. Often times it's a surprise to learn that it goes even further back then the actual incedent you think causes it. For instance, my Dad was a yeller. As a child I couldn't do anything about it but stand there and be obedient and take it. To this day I detest being yelled at. As an adult I don't stand there and cry but I sure want to. My chest feels like it's going to explode. My sponsor dug out of me that it was "fear" feelings. My Dad didn't hit but I was soooo afraid of him when he yelled.
Most things that REALLY upset us are deep seeded feelings from childhood or another time. I still don't like yelling but it has made a big difference to me to understand why I felt fear. Before, they were just feelings that I couldn't even identify. Luckily, my husband rarely yelled but when he did it was more then I could handle. I used to think Sheesh, he's yelling not beating me, why am I flipping out inside? Anyway, it's something to think about. Was there another time in your life when you felt those feelings? Some other time when you felt you weren't validated in your pain? That could surely trigger rage if not dealt with. Then again, maybe forgetting ins't what needs to be done, but forgiveness.
Anger is powerful energy. If we are afraid of this energy, we may attempt to deny or hide it. And when we lack control of the energy of anger, we impose it on other people or things.
The ways we react to anger usually reflect how we experienced anger as children and how our own anger when we were young was handled by the adults at the time.
In reality, anger, like any emotion, brings us information. It tells us how we feel about what is being experienced. If we receive anger's message and learn more about ourselves, the energy will pass.
Too often we underestimate how quickly our feelings are going to change because we underestimate our ability to change them.
keep coming back Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 22:04, 2006-09-15
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I beat myself up like that too, feeling I was so stupid for dealing with something or believing some lie or being so blind to reality. For a long time I thought it was because he didn't love me or the kids enough to stop (that still pops in every now and again) or that I wasn't doing enough to make him happy. Reflecting, that was pretty selfish of me thinking that everything was about me. me me me. In reality he wasn't thinking about me or anything else for that matter I see it as robot mode once he took the first drink it could be the next day or 4 days later that I heard from him. Always sorry and swearing not to do it again which I also felt stupid for believing. Hope is a powerful thing but I realize right now, now that he's gone that I live a much healthier more fun life without him. That's not his fault, it's mine for not living that way all the time, even when he was here and for being bitter about things that are already said and done and can't be changed. It's hard when you want someone to share things with and they are just totally unavailable. You just have to focus on what you want to do and do it and if they want to join you that's fine and if not be just as happy doing it because it's what you want to do.
Aloha Tedley...Again someone tells my story just as if they wrote it not me! But that is not my story today and I wouldn't trade what I have today for anything no matter how sorry It might feel. Just briefly I too was married to an alcoholic wife. I was married to a fanatic before that. I was engaged to another alcoholic woman in between and It seemed that all of my relationships were with people who I felt needed my care....of course it never worked. There was of course much resentments (not forgetting...actually not forgiving) and rage was my most usual and highest expression of emotions. Although you didn't mention the event that you could not forget, I understand that in the disease of alcoholism and if alcohol had anything to do withit "it" might be just anything.
To the point I was referred to Al-Anon by my alcoholic's sponsor and it saved my life. My alcoholic relapsed and the marriage that should not have been in the first place was finally made right as I continued to recover. She did find the doors of recovery again after I stopped sitting on her back trying to "make" her get well.
Here is what I did. Went to as many meetings as I could in the first 90 days...something like 114 or so. Got literature...lots of it and lots entirely free and all of it very helpful. Kept an open mind about what I saw and heard and tried to make no judgements about the Family Groups or my chances of keeping my life going. I started inquiring about the steps and asking others for help and explanations about what they were sharing that I didn't understand which was pretty much everything at that time. I tried not to do too much thinking or figuring out. I am an analytical and my sanity was gone. I stopped drinking myself because like yourself I was a very prominent part of "our" problem. On the fiscal side alone we went thru 30 grand and two houses in just over two years only on booze and its consequences.
So keep coming back. There are two types of meetings you will want to get to; the one's you look forward to and the ones that you don't. This program will save your life and keep your focus on your own spirit...if it is still with you.
Glad you are here. It is hard to get past old hurts. My sponsor once told me I like to pick at it like a scab, and it was never going to heal. I'd rehash it in my head, I'd be angry all over again -- for a long time I use my anger as fuel to keep me going, give me energy to tackle all the tasks I had to handle and then one day I hit my bottom. I was sick of being angry, sick of how weird my life was, I just wanted normal. Then I came to al-anon.
This week at my f2f meeting someone mentioned being angry that their A, who has found sobriety, never made an amend to them. They were hurt, they wanted that sorry for all the awful times. The thing that came out of this meeting was that actions speak louder than words, too many times an active A's sorrys aren't worth anything -- now they had actions that spoke more than words ever could. I mentioned that my A could never be sorry enough, not in a jaded way, but that he could never know the pain I've gone thru. Kind of like I'll never know what it's like to be an alcoholic. The thing is that I choose not to punish my A, he's got his own pain and issues to deal with. I choose not to dwell in my pain, but work thru it -- it is what is good for me. I just couldn't live hanging on to all the anger. What a relief to let it go.
I am glad you are here, there are no quick fixes in Alanon but it does work. I encourage you to come to meetings and read about Alanon. I can promise you that you are not alone, and even if you aren't into meetings there are ones on-line.
One of the reoccurring phrases I heard as I read your post was that you are a black and white guy. But even black and white type people can come to grips that cancer is something they might never understand yet they know it is a disease that does exist. So although a portion of your brain might be telling you that alcoholism is a choice and not a disease, it is very much as disease. In fact, one might say that your AW is currently in remission (I think you stated it as "dry"). Fortunately for her, she is working a program of recovery which can assist her in her remission. Also as you have seen, alcoholism is a progressive disease.... shown by the example that for the true alcoholic that requires the alcohol to be an alcoholic cannot just stop as you were able to do. But at the same time, the progressiveness of the disease for us (the non alcoholic) is that fact that the rage dwells within us. Which brings me to the part about Al-Anon that I really embrace as a part of my recovery.... the three A's.... Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
Congratuations on your awareness that you have this rage and don't yet possess the ability to "forget". This is typical for many of us as we entered these doors of Al-Anon. Simply put, for myself, I did't know how to forget, because I continued to live in the past instead of embracing the now. Once I accepted that fact about myself, then I was able to move into the action step of my recovery, which again, simply means that I could seek a solution instead of remaining focused on the problem.
Sometimes we are not much different than written code, we have errors written within us that need to be found and re-coded.
Like the alcoholic, we are just as powerless over the alcohol as they are. But there is hope!
