The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
YOu know, I was thinking he sure is a good excuse, I can't do or I haven't done (fill in the blank) because of him! When hes gone I feel like I can do anything I have no limits. I also have no one to blame or to expect to do things I know they will never do so I just do them myself and things get done. It sure is a cop out isn't it. I am scared that when he shows up I will take him back not because I want to be with him or even because I'm scared to be alone or lonely but because I'm just used to him. It's not even the hope that he will get better anymore because I just don't think that will happen anymore I think that used to be it. It's not that he's a great dad or a great husband or does all the "man" jobs. It's not that he's reliable although he usually does bring in a good income that is stable for at least 6 months. My problem is that I have left before, filed the papers and then took him back at the last minute. And he never let me forget that I saw other people that I kicked him out, etc. So why would I even consider for a moment putting myself thru that again? Why do we make choices we KNOW are bad for us or even worse bad for our kids?
In many 12 step programs they talk about the willingness. I am willing these days to go where my hP leads me. Right now for me that is making a plan b. I can go round and round the good things the A does, he did some, I may not remember them sometimes but he does them. The issue for me is that he is progressive. His addiction gets worse over time. Do I want to be around it long term, not really. Short term is bad enough. I keep cutting off more and more things I put up with that I would not put up with otherwise. The other issue for me is that his disease is more and more and more selfish. He thinks only of him-self, not the pets, not me, not anyone else but him and his self pity. Yesterday I was listening to him for like 5 minutes, how hard it is for him, hot it did not go his way. There is no "me" in there. There is no separation for him of me and him. I am merely meant to do what he wants because there is no "other" way. I dont' quesion him anymore about this. I just listen and I don't say much anymore before I reacted, reated reacted. These day I focus on me and what I can do for me.
Personally I find letting go of any relationship is hard. I have friends who I have to let go of as well as the A. I don't find it easy to let go and believe that something else will come along to take care of me. I also know that for me being middle aged my chance of relationship are low. At the same time I know there is no chance of any decent relationship as long as I am with him because even at my most detached (and I am better at it) his chaos is all consuming. I stay out of his messes as much as I can but they still affect me. He never sorts anything out in his life. When I look at his life I see a pile of messes he did not sort out which he wants to blame on someone else. I have my own messes of course (credit cards being one of them) which I have to sort out I am going to sort them out, he isnt obviously as he can't sort out one thing on any given day. Long term I don't want that I know it and I no longer believe in his fantasies. The more I detach from him the less I interact with him s there is less to miss.....and I certainly don't miss the abuse (I no longer have euphoric recall) I have taken the A back numerous times. I have left come back, swore up and down I had had enough but I don't know that I was "willing" before. I think I was willing to be in the 'drama' with him. Now I am sick to death with his drama, the creditors (all his - I pay mine) calling, the arguments, the tantrums (all his now - I gave up tantruming it got me nowhere) and the name calling (all his now too).
I am willing I am not sure where it will take me but I am willing these days to give up my codependence even if it means giving up so much short term for long term sanity.
Many of us ask the same question. You appear to have a good handle on the answer... we do it because we are sick too. Many times we overlook the odd behaviors of the A in the name of the disease, why not afford yourself that luxury.
The good news is... if you want to change that you can, and have. Falling back into those old behaviors due to his presence ... is a choice now that you can see the truth.
Be gentle with yourself, I do the same thing many times. Kick myself for it, and try harder next time.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I was firm but kind when he called earlier. It's hard to be firm with a crying man. I told him I hoped he got better and promised I would be his friend other than that I made no promises except that I won't bail him out and he won't be staying with me when he comes back.
It seems that you are in program and that's soooo good isn't it? Yah at times its confusing like speaking Filipino to a bunch of Greeks and you ain't either one of that but that is how confusing and hard it was for me. The slogan "Keep it simple" just began to work so well for me that I kept practicing it and practicing. For example I found that the first little step in my relationship with my alcoholic wife was to just stop doing what I was doing (my part in the mess without trying to judge what I was doing) and not ending the relationship. Bigger tasks had to come later. I was taught that if I didn't stop my stuff first and make some amends, the chances are I would repeat the behavior again later with some one different. Golly golly golly were they right.
Its me I gotta stop and change ... just me. Your share was very inciteful. Thanks for the esh.
Perhaps you are grieving for a relationship that once was. That's normal. Perhaps you are not ready to totally let go. Not unusual. Perhaps there are times when you think that you don't deserve any better. I've been there many a time. Perhaps you are afraid that you might end up being alone the rest of your life. Know that feeling well too. But that doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Maybe feeling a bit guilty that the relationship didn't work out? I did. I sometimes even thought (eventhough I know better now) that it was partially my fault that he drank. All of the above? That was me for a while. I was sick too. Just as sick as he was.
I have finally come to realize that recovery means taking your life back. Leading the life that you want and are entitled to. If I want to live my life with an active A then that's my choice. If don't (and I don't) I won't do that. My A knows that. Our recovery is about us and what is best for us.
Your in a great program. We learn and grow from recognizing that these feelings exist and how to work with them, not against them. You're doing just fine. Hang in there. Work with the feelings, not against them. It makes it much easier.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
