The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok time to tell you my story of what brought me here.
I meet my son's father many many years ago. I had fallen for him he was my moon and my stars. But he was an active A. He was abusive both verbal and physical. So when I couldn't take it anymore. He was cheating on me, and the straw was when my son hit a little girl at daycare across the face and left a hand print. I left with our son. I had to look out for not only my safety but the safety of my small child at the time.
It was over a year before I decided to date seriouslly again. I thought that I had used better judgement this time around. But found out I had fallen for another A. Who in the end I had to leave because of him his additions. I was starting become the thing I had worked so hard to get away from so many years ago.
Took me 3 years at this point I had thought I why bother, and had stopped looking I meet a wonderful man online. I could talk to him about anything, funny, caring, kind. But didn't find out he was an A until I had given my heart away. I tried before the program everything I could possible do to help him. At the time I thought I was helping I see now I was trying to control him and make him stop. It got really bad I had to ask him to leave. But not before I called his family and let them know what was going on.
I tried to date a few really wonderful men. But it didn't work for me. I couldn't get past the fact that I was still in love with my A.
I have tried to show love in my actions to my A since I joined the program and tried not to judged him and tried to listen more. I don't know if my A will ever get the help he needs I know it is in his HP's hands. I still love him and hope someday he finds his peace and serenity. But for now I know I need this program because I know where I used to be and I have seen the progress in me. Now is my time to work on me.
I can see now how my HP works. Got a good taste of it with my son lately. Made me really think about things. Beginning was total chaos but I said a prayer and just asked for strength to get threw it no matter how it turns out. Now I have a stronger relationship with my son and am becoming friends with his father again for the first time in years. Son thinks it is weird that his dad and I are talking and not arguing at every turn. But I also had to let him know that friends is all I could ever be with his father. I didn't want him to have false hopes of something I know will never be.
I am learning One day at a time, my progress may not be perfect but it is still progress and that is what is important.
I think because of a great deal of deprivation in my childhood and beyond that (through adulthood - I am after all middle aged now) I tend to idealize others when I first meet them. I also tend to give others my "power". I tend to rush into relationships too be they friendships, jobs, relationships and lately I have learned to hold back and reflect and check things out.
I know the A has a tendency to idealize too. He meets someone and they are the bees knees and certain people in his life, certain family members, his mother specifically is always idealized no matter what. I have done that too and have had to learn to take them down off the pedastel because idealizing seems to lead to resentment which is not good for me. So I try to be "real" about people whoever they are friend, recovery partner, whoever. I try not to see them as my great white hope. I can love certain people like my sister (who is an active A) from afar rather than upfront and in her stuff.
Thank you for your sharing of your story and the hope and change you have shown us. It sounds like you have come a long way and it is so important to share that.
This program shows us so much how to begin to take care of ourselves and therefore create better relationships. I am so glad that you have done that with your son and his father! There is no use in holding resentments and making yourself miserable. Way to go in being compassionate and peaceful and that is the true way to take care of one's self, by eminating peace and calm.
If you really think about it all we have it today....odat....is the only way to go...Keep working on you, stay focused, stay strong......sounds to me like you are making progress and that is a wonderful thing.
