The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to really want to be the center of the A's life to be there for him. As some of you know the A has a mother who while she is an enabler never is "there" for him. When he was really illl(with a muscle condition) she gave him a chocolate bar and told him that it would all be ok. She left me to deal with it I felt. And of course I did and it was never ever acknowledged at all by him or by his family (oh his brother bought him lunch one day he made a huge too doo about that after I had paid all the bills for months on my own). I used to feel secure having someone who depended on me. My need for security for so great I settled for that. I would do anything to not experience abandonment and I knew pretty much that the A would come back because he depended on me for so much.
Well these days I no longer want to feel I am the only one for anyone at all. I welcome it when people in my life have other resources. A friend of mine who has cancer has indicated she has gone to other friends for support. In the past I would have felt hurt and wanted to be acknowledged that I was"there" for her. Now I want her actively to go out and get help elsewhere I no longer want that kind of exclusivity that used to make me feel "needed".
I also used to actively resent and really not like the A's friends. Admittedly he has some friends who are really just ruthless (as he is). I do not want to be involved with the A's friends but I don't want anymore to stop him seeing them or see them as a threat (after all he will drink/use regardless of friends, debt, illness whatever). I know most of the time at night when he goes out it is not to work as he claims (the work where he never gets paid) but to see and socialize with them. I used to feel so abandoned and left out of his social circle now I do not much want to be part of it
I hope this is the beginning of the end of the rescue role for me and the martyr role and the wanting the A to "see" me and hear me and know me role. He doesn't he won't and he can't and he probalby will never do it. There are days like today when I can abdicate all those roles across the board (with my friends as well) and be "there" for me rather than leave me out of the equation and end up exhausted.
Are you still with the A? Sounds like you are in the post. It seems like a pretty empty relationship from your description. I keep getting stuck in that circle in my mind, I'm free now but I think I would actually go back to captivity and I'm not sure why. I feel good just having left at this point. I guess if I can just put off having him back each day (when the time comes) then I will allow myself time to think. I too rush into relationships with men and would like to have some man 'friends' who I don't end up sleeping with. I used to back in high school but then somewhere along the way I lost myself (and all my friends) being all consumed by A after A after A.
I think I used to confuse drama with "empty". The A needed me that was for sure. I took that instead of intimacy because of course I did not know what intimacy was. Intimacy was for me rescue, intensity and messes. The A, who I still live with, is ful of that but I no longer rescue and I no longer step in and try to help him with his life. I listen but I say very very very little. I get on with my own life. I went from being paralyzed, depressed, unable to work, to being able to take care of me. Go figure.
It sounds to me like you have a pretty good idea of how this is supposed to work and you can detach pretty well. Good for you. This is such a challenging thing to live with, and the tools you learn in the program help you to grow up and to take care of you! I am learning slowly, but thanks to posts like yours I have hope today...thank you!
I'm right there with ya.My lightbulb moment came when my AH was telling me one day how his online "friend" really "helps" him.She always tells him just what he needs to hear.That stung really bad because I have spent 36 years trying to help him.Didn't he notice that I gave up my life and lost my self trying to help him???She comes along and does it in a couple of months??
It was at that moment I searched my heart and realized, as you have, that no one was appreciating anything I was doing for them.The sacrifices I was making of my free time and my rest and my serenity.Like you, I would get hurt if my mom said she called one of my sisters when she needed something.Doesn't she know that I'm always gonna be there for her,hell or high water,rain, snow,sleet? ( angry,exhausted,drained.......)
So I gave it all up that day.I do what I can for my mom but I make sure I take care of myself.I am not afraid to ask one of my sisters to pitch in and I am not hurt when she calls them, I am relieved.It's fine if the online friend helps AH.We are separating anyway.I'm tired of working on him, lol.Time for me now.
