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My AH has been laid off from work going on three weeks now. At first he was actually doing some work in the garage and keeping himself busy. I knew it wouldn't last. Now he's been drunk when I return home. It's taking every ounce of energy I have to keep going until I can get divorced and get him out of my life.
Here's the whole, pathetic story of last night: My son is ADHD and having some MAJOR problems again lately. I had to work late last night (AH seems to have no sympathy for those of us who actually work-much less those of us who work late). Anyway, I picked my son up, we got home late and I was trying to make supper. My son wanted to visit a friend. We rode our bikes over there, but his friend wasn't home. My son wanted to stand outside their house until they came home. Told him we can't do that. HUGE fits and screaming all the way back to our house. People all over the place staring at us; I'm surprised no one called the police.
When we get back, AH is drunk of course. AH has never showed any interest in my son EVER, but decides he will fuel the fire and "take his side". He gives him Pepsi and tells me I'm a horrible mother, blah, blah, blah... A screaming match begins-with name calling and the whole works. I'm sure the neighbors heard everything. The whole time this stuff goes on, AH thinks I'm going to enter into a second mortgage loan with him to pay off our bills (he comes out ahead on this, not me). He has a ton more bills than I have. He would get some debt relief and I would have to pay his debt. No way!
Anyway, I told him no loan and I we're going to divorce. We're going to try mediation and if that doesn't work and he gets nasty, I'm getting a good lawyer. As I'm sitting here writing this, I can tell I'm getting one hell of a migraine headache.
It feels so good to vent. Thanks everyone for letting me vent.
It never ceases to amaze me the effects this disease has on the whole family. Do you think your son's behavior is effected by your husband? (Probably a dumb question.)
We had a conference set with my youngest son's teacher yesterday. He has been acting out in his science class. He makes good grades, but has been disruptive.
The teacher said something that really took me back. She said she talked with him about his behavior and he refused to take any responsability for his actions. <sigh> Now... he's 11, and part of that is he is just getting to the point where he should really understand that he is responsable for his own actions.
We have talked about it quite a bit over night and this morning and I will work on that with him, but talk about an A'ism showing it's ugly head.
I am so glad you are making plans for you and your son. I hope things get better.
I will keep you guys in my prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You sound like such a loving Mom...riding your bike WITH him to a friends house after work, when you were probably exhausted.
I totally sympathize with the ADHD thing, my daughter has it too and I am sure I don't have to mention to you how horribly difficult it has been to help her with this while living with a screaming raging out of control alcoholic.
Every child is different...and their symptoms are different...and gender makes a difference too. I never had to deal with the scene you are mentioning, but I certainly had my share of challenges with her. My biggest thing is that she has no respect for her Dad and that makes discipline a sheer nightmare from him. The worst thing is that he is an intelligent man and has really given her some good advice and good insight when sober, but it is all a waste. Everytime he tries to talk to her she interrupts him, ignores him, talks over him, or makes the "crazy sign" with her hand around her forehead. Imagine trying to discipline and reason with a teenager after she has observed you peeing your pants, barking like a dog, passing out mid-chew and letting half eaten food fall back out of your mouth, and saying that star wars is REAL and going on right now "In a Galaxy Far Far Away". This enrages him and he begins lashing out at her verbally and it is pretty bad. Of course then I have to intervene and I run interference and draw his fire so she can escape to her room. He hates this, he calls it "interfering with his discipline" HAH! what a joke, it is trying to shut up a drunk. You can't call yourselr disciplining a child when you are telling them as part of your reasoning that star wars is real. He throws this up in my face when sober, that I think I know it all, think I am the only one qualified to be a parent, and am only good for running my mouth with daughter, I can't back up my "stupid mouth" by paying her bills. That used to hurt, but now, with alanon I see what crazy lame stupid talk it is. Yes, compared to a drunk, I am the only one qualified to be a parent around here.
How I handled it was try to strike a delicate balance between helping her to understand that he was sick, but not so sick he was not capable of ever making sense, and pretty much taking with a grain of salt most of what he said at home as he was probably drunk. This has been my greatest challenge.
My husband has done the taking sides thing to, siding with daughter against me. Boy did I crack down hard on that! I did not say much at the time, but later I would explain to daughter that he was drunk and she better not listen to him.
I kept pointing out his life...peeing his pants, no friends, crazy talk and ask her if she wanted to end up like him...and she would if she took his stupid drunken advice. I told her that I am not perfect, but my life works for the most part and she would be wise to listen to my parenting advice. I did this privately, and not just once, I pretty much had to repeat this speech hundreds of times until she was grown enough to see it for herself.
Please take Megan's advice...she shared this with me too and I can tell you that it made a WORLD of a difference in my life. When I finally stopped engaging with him when he was drunk, and learned my power to NOT attend every argument I was invited to, I was no longer so run down and broken down that I could not think straight. I bought a lock for my bedroom door at Kmart. I am not at all handy, I just got a screwdriver and followed the directions and put it on. When he started screaming I would go in there, lock the door, and blast the radio until he passed out of gave up. Of course I had my daughter in there with me. To hear him screaming at nothing put him into perspective for me, I stopped taking what he said so personally and just saw him as a drunken fool. This will save your sanity enough for you to think clearly about what you should do.
Lindy, you are one smart cookie and have good instincts about that mortgage loan. This ability you have to make wise decisions will serve you well. Your son can see what a loving Mom you are, working to support all of you and still making time to ride bikes with him and reason with him lovingly. That bond you are forging with him will see you through the rought times, just don't give up.
(((((((((((((((((Lindy)))))))))))))))))) Remember you are not alone, we are all pulling for you and are here for you to vent anytime.
I can definitey empathise. I am currently working 7 days a week. The A is not working. I think he begins a job tomorrow. He does not pick up a cup, broom, nothing. I guess it is ridiculous of me to want that but I do not have a partnership never did. I try very hard not to argue. I don't argue in fact but that is such a discipline.
I am sorry you do not have a partner. Those of us with active alcoholics sometimes don't. I think I am getting used to that rather than protesting it. I am also getting used to the fact that the number one thing to work on is plan b.
Boy Isabella said it! I also have a 12 yo daughter (in counseling) and it is the same scenario no taking of responsibility always diverting attention and showing him no respect. She is VERY VERY bright I think when I get home tonight I am going to talk to her about this behavior being related to the alcoholism - he just called from Arizona crying and asking if he could come home (haven't heard from him in weeks). I knew this was coming!! He's coming back to town. It's a lot easier to be strong on the phone than it is in person. HELLLLP.
Lindy, So sorry for your pain. I can relate to the drunken nights. I am lucky though, don't have any children with my A. We each have grown kids from previous relationships. I work 2nd shift 3-11pm, so I come home to him passed out. What joy! Thursday nights seems to be the party night, not sure why. Take care of yourself & your son. All you can do, all any of us can do. Will keep you in my prayers.
