The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well since A went back to drinking earlier this week all hell has broken loose. He had been sober for 7 weeks but had just shut himself in the house and avoided all outside contact in order to do it. Now all his looser friends are back. He has been in the woods cutting firewood past couple of days with help from one of the them. Of course he is providing the guy food, cigs and beer in order to obtain that help and last night the guy stayed in our camper out back (against my wishes).
We burn wood for our heat and currently have about a cord in the driveway. We need about 10. The wood he has been cutting has remained on the property down the road where he is cutting from which concerns me. A has about depleted his money for the month so my concern is his plan is to actually sell that firewood for beer money since I refuse to supplement his money shortcomings in providing for his habit.
The other night I woke up in the middle of the night to find both him and my car gone. He knows he is not to drive my car while drinking but snuck off with it anyway using his key. When he got home I gave him hell and confiscated his key to my car. I refuse to have his looser friends in our house. He is good about keeping them out when I am around but of course who knows what goes on when I am at work since none of them work. The past several nights he has been out with his friends from time I get home until I attempt to go to bed. Then he comes home and puts on the tv, makes himself food in the kitchen and basically makes alot of noise totally inconsiderate of my having to get up in the morning to go to work and of course then the fighting begins. Last night he even fell asleep while cooking and I was awakened by the smoke detector. He slept right through it.
My boundaries don't seem to be helping me in my quest for serenity. They in fact seem to be hurting in some cases. Not allowing his friends at our house means I spend all evening alone wondering where the hell he is. Not giving him money when he runs out will probably mean I will freeze come this winter when he sells the firewood to buy beer. And what kind of boundary do I set up so I can get a decent night's sleep? I feel like I am running out of options here. Any suggestions?
You know the bottom line for me was when my AH nearly set the house on fire. I couldn't take that chance. There was no boundary about drinking in the house. The boundary was was that at that point I knew he wasn't going to give up the booze. I didn't want to put up with that anymore. Work was too stressful, home wasn't home and the list continued. Was I scared about how I was going to pay the bills? Absolutely. But I needed to take care of me. I would absolutely do the same thing over again. I know that as much as I love him, if he relapsed again he'd be gone if he didn't die. I will not live that kind of life anymore. Call me selfish call me whatever. But I am not cut out to live with an active addict. I admire the ones that can. But I can't. It just isn't in me.
You have to decide how much more you're willing to put up with. Is this the life that you want with him. If it is, then so be it. Remember love has nothing to do with his addiction. He's drinking not because he doesn't love you. The addiction and the disease is progressing. May you find the answers you're looking for.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((lebe)))) Sorry you are in the spot you are in. But, you know to keep coming here, so that is great.
Boundaries are very hard for me. I guess I do OK with 1) He has to make the house payment 2) I will not buy him beer or cigs. As far as the consequences if he doesn't make the house payment, I have not had to deal with that yet. He so badly wants the man we are buying from to "think well of him" that he makes the payment. And, for some reason, he just doesn't ask me to buy the other stuff. These are really the only 2 boundaries I have for now.
Oh, and I do not listen to his rantings. If he rages, he's gonna have to do it alone, I will not allow myself to get caught up in his insane rantings and the filth that comes from his mouth. In other words, I put up a wall between he and I, and try very hard to not listen, and just try to detatch and hold onto my serenity. In reading your post, I saw why I don't set very many boundaries for now. Boundaries are meant, I believe to safeguard our serenity and physical and mental well being. If the boundaries you have set are not giving you any peace, then perhaps you need to evaluate them, and maybe set different ones. I put up with my husband drinking at home with his friends, just for today, because I'd rather have him sitting on the deck getting drunk, than out running around.
That is pretty scarey about the smoke detector going off, but Thank God you have one. Make sure the batteries are always good.
It must be very hard to have your husband drinking again after 7 weeks of not. I have never known my husband to not drink. If he even went a week, I would probably get my hopes up, even tho we are not supposed to!
In reading your post, I understand that you are worried about him selling the wood for $$$, and you not having wood for this winter. In Al-Anon, we are advised to not "project future troubles." But, it got me to wondering, what is the difference in "projecting" into the future, and "protecting" ourselves? Hmmmm......
I guess if you can find some way to put some $$$ aside from your job (easier said than done, I know), that maybe that will give you a little peace of mind, if he were to sell the wood. Better to put some secretly away, than to hand it over to him for cigs or beer.
I hate the way this disease just tries to suck the life right out of our A's and us, too. It seems like we always get the bad end of the deal, we are the ones left to worry and try to figure out the finances, the housework and repair, etc. I know I have a choice, to have him here or not, but I still feel stuck sometimes. I just know that for now, I am happier with him than without him. Some of my friends and family think I am out of my mind! We are only human, after all. We are not Superwoman, or Superman. We can only do so much before we get tired.
Sorry I am not more help, wish there was more I could offer. Please keep coming back. Hope you are able to get some rest tonight.
Sorry you are having such a rough time. This stinks I sure know.
As far as the boundaries are concerned you are right. They are extremely difficult to enforce. It would be easier if this were just my home. I can tell my alcoholic stepdaughter that she is not allowed to bring alcohol into our home as she does not live here. When she lived here there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. This was her home before it was mine. Her Mom did not set or enforce boundaries so I was definitely lost.
It came down to setting boundaries for me. Which was also extremely difficult. If she was drunk I would leave. If there was insanity happening I would leave rather than get dragged into it. I sure got tired of leaving my home. Why is fire such an issue with alcoholics? Oh yeah, I forgot, they pass out. The straw that broke the camels back was fire related for me. We were afraid to sleep at nite until she had passed out for fear of fire.
I had secured an apartment, paid utility deposits and I was leaving. I guess that was the ultimate boundary. Fortunately my stepdaughter did the only decent thing I have ever known her to do. She finally left home, got her own apartment so I would not leave and her Mom would not have to lose a partner.
I am still only a few months new to alanon so I am sure there are others who will have much more to offer.
Keep coming back, it really does work. (Wouldn't have told ya that a couple of months ago)
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
What a job you are doing with boundaries. Personally I think you are doing a great great job. Of course who said there would be a reward for boundaries. I think in some ways boundaries give me the space to think about what is best for me. Have you thought of a plan b, are you ready for a plan b. Do you have other contingency plans for yourself. Of course it is very very very hard to be part of a partnership that doesn't work.
Today the A went on and on about money he had lost from work he did not get which he blames me for. Unfortunately or fortunately for me I know it is factors far far from little old me that stopped him making the money. These days I do not argue with him. I used to try to get him to see my point of view. These days I do not. He wants me all bad, he has me all bad I am not going to dispute that, he can come up with the most inane excuses for that.
There are days in my plan bing that I can get very discouraged, what if, why, when..and I second guess, then I get right back on plan b. I am not sure what your focus is on your own work but what about focusing on you when he is off chopping this wood that never comes home. I used to focus a great deal on that the A said he was off working and yet never seemed to have any money. He still never has any money, I have given up asking him why, I will just hear another lie anyways.
So how can you focus on you well there are tons of books to read on codependence and the steps to work. I know the more I work my steps the clearer I get on what drew me to the A. I also know that I need to let go of many many resentments. I had a huge resentment towards his mother (who is about to get married) time to let go of that. Letting of resentments is huge for me I hold onto them like life buoys. All the stuff he has done wrong to me. That doesn't mean I welcome him into my arms and take him back (he is so far gone on his alcholism denial, stuff). I do communicate with him in a very matter of fact manner. He goes to the VA (which he gets for free) Today he was lamenting he did not make an appointment and oh how terribel it was and how he was now going probably going to die (his alcoholism and death wish driving are undoubtedly going to be the things that kill him) and how awful it was that he could not make his appointment. So I told him I had a doctors appointment too (of course he doesnt ask me what it was for because I am never allowed to be sick) and I just rescheduled it. He was dumfounded. I did not enter into the drama with him!
I can't say any of this is easy. Of course it is awful that he is off drinking and not providing and not being a companion to you. There is no question it is not fair, not equitable and not any fun at all. At the same time you have this time in your program with him gone (and he is choosing to be absent) to work on you and work on your issues and work on detaching. I do think detaching is incredibly hard. It is so intriguing that they are gone so much and so vague about where they are. At the end of detachment for me there is a self preserving giving up. I have given up sacrificing myself for him. I do not not care about him but I have learned to let him go and make his own mistakes. He can make them and I will not cushion him from them anymore. I will not destroy myself because he is destroying himself. I have allowed myself to make very rash decisions before like paying $300 plus to go stay in a motel while a friend of his slept in my bed and ate my food. I would not do that now, I would simply lock the door and keep locking it that ended the friend eating my food. I do find not entering the drama with him helps me to stay sane and not exhausted. I hope you find ways to do that too.
I also had the "no partying in the house" rule - his actual FRIENDS I didn't mind, it was the lowlife instant friends that he picked up in the bar and had never seen before that night that I drew the line at. It is lonely, but I figured better than having drunks I did not know wandering through my house at all hours, especially with the kids there.
If I wanted to be part of that I could always go out to the garage for awhile to spend time with them, or get a babysitter and meet them in the bar. Usually that didn't last long - they were idiots, and hard and boring to spend time with.
About the sleeping, I would say earplugs, but maybe you don't want that with the risk of fire.
About the firewood, I don't know what to suggest. Saving some money so you will be able to buy some later in the winter just protects him (you too, of course) from the consequences of his actions - he'll still be warm, because YOU'VE taken care of it. Is there any way YOU can just go and get the wood he's already chopped, and bring it home? A plan B is probably best - if there's no wood, you have already arranged to rent a room in town for the winter, and he can do what he likes. If possible, something that takes care of you, while neither punishing him, nor rewarding him, for his actions.
The thing about boundaries, is to set them realistically, knowing yourself and what you are willing and not willing to put up with. There is no point on setting a boundary on something that doesn't matter to you much - you won't be willing to enforce it then, when push comes to shove. Another thing boundaries do is make us really look at our lives. If we find that looking after ourselves in just basic ways - getting enough sleep, feeling safe in our beds - makes the relationship have nothing positive in it anymore, then maybe it really is not a good relationship for us to be in. All of these alanon tools are there to help us make living with an active A possible - the boundaries, the slogans, all take away some of the negative effects, so we can get some joy out of life and not be dragged down by the A. If we find that even with them, there is no joy there, there is nothing positive, then it may be time to really think about why we stay.
