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Well he has been missing for about a week and I haven't really thought about it much just every now and again wondering if he's ok and then today I listen to a message from his mother saying that a guy from AA in Arizona called her to say he's ok and getting into rehab on Saturday. Now I found that I was EXTREMELY angry about the fact that he had the guy call her and not me. He hardly ever talks to his mother. Anyway I decided it was because he didn't even have the common courtesy or respect for me to ask the guy to call me rather than her (she was supposed to be visiting me right now anyway). Then I thought why would I expect that of him now when he's never given it to me before - disappearing for days without calling, spending all our money, etc. etc. Why do I have these unreal expectations of just being treated like a person with feelings by him? Another thing I wonder is why I feel so alone when he was never really there anyway - either always at work, never wanted to participate in family stuff, drunk or recovering from being drunk, etc.
Anyway, it really got a rise out of me and I can't figure out why I would expect any different and why I feel so lonely when I was alone all along.
Any help with identifying what I'm doing and why would be appreciated. I just want to not care anymore and be OVER IT!
(((Carolina)))) You know, I was told early on to not have expectations. What????? How can you live and NOT have expectations, but I am slowly learning. It kind of comes with working the Al-Anon program, I guess.
This disease is so crazy, makes people do such crazy, insane things. Everytime I would try to figure out what was going on and trying to figure out why he did certain things, and getting my feelings hurt time after time. Finally I realize there is no rhyme or reason to why an A does what an A does. None whatsoever. Except they are being poisoned by alcohol.
Hope you are able to get to meetings, online or otherwise. I love Dr. Phil, too. During the times my AH and I were apart due to his getting mad and leaving, I read and read books, posts, got online in the chatroom here, posted. I want to learn everything I can. That helps me, even though it seems I am putting the focus on him, and his disease. The more I learn, the better able I am to cope with the insanity in my life.
I hope you keep coming back. Take care of yourself, OK?
One of the chief characteristics of OUR disease, OUR dysfunction is that it messes with our emotions. We begin to misconstrue and misconcieve "normal" and begin to wonder why it is the world thinks WE are crazy--don't they know what we're dealing with?! Don't they understand what we've been through?! They'd be crazy too if they had OUR lives!!
In truth, there is no "bad" feeling, no "good" feeling, or any sort "in between." Feelings are a part of the human experience, just like a baby learns to walk, an adult learns to pay bills, so on and so forth. Your confusion about your reaction probably stems from a life time of confusing reactions--how, for example, behaving in one way was inappropriate and the next day was perfectly acceptable. With alcholism, the rules constantly change, and they consistently give us a feeling of uncertaintly what we come to expect--we call it "drama addiction" because it becomes so comfortable.
I highly recommend that you come back, and see if there's any willing woman that would take you through the steps. The steps are the solution to serenity and sanity, I believe, and a sponsor is the best person to take me there. Keep coming back, and remember, keep it simple.
It doesn't matter whom he called. What matters is that he is all right and receiving help. Be thankful for that, and don't be angry at Mom. You'll only be hurting yourself by doing that. Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Because you are a human and what you expect would be normal for a normal relationship. In my experience you do not get those considerations from A's. Even when they are not drinking. I am having surgery today and my ex husband an A did not even ask me what procedure I was having or if I am ok? All he said was ok then if you are going to be in bed than I am taking our daughter. Trust me...he is not taking her because he wants her but because he is fearing our upcoming court date for child support and visitation changes. The more he can show he has and wants to spend time with her the less he has to pay. As soon as the judge rules he vanishes again and our child is crushed. My point is normal human considerations cannot be expected from selfish A's who are only wrapped up in their disease and then their recovery and their own needs and wants. Sorry if I sound harsh but it is my opinion of the reality of the disease. In al-anon we wrap it up in a prettier word called detachment or putting the focus on yourself and fellowship with other members. But to me it is still having to compensate because your relationship is with an A.
Diva is right...it is important that he is getting help. It is also important that you continue to get help for you. Keep coming back!
You know that's exactly what I have been thinking about lately too is trying to focus on the times when he isn't drinking and figure out what payoff I am getting from being with him. I know it is only a matter of time before he comes knocking at my door wanting "his family" back. At this point the two things I am challenging myself with are: Am I happy with him when he's not drinking AND Can I ever honestly get to the point where I don't expect it to happen again. Not saying that it won't happen again because I know there are no guarantees which in itself should be enough to make me move on but to feel normal and not expect bad things to happen. As far as the happy when he's not drinking, I start to think I'm not really sure when he was drinking and when he wasn't. He went 10 months this time and has been on and off of runners for the past 2 or 3 mos. I guess this is going to require more thought.
Personally I think I get caught in the spiral very very often. The chaos is hard to endure without getting exhausted. And I think it takes a while to sort out what is in it for me.
Personally for me there is a re-enacting of various aspects of my childhood, the loneliness, the abandonment, the not being heard, appreciated, respected, included and more. I think there is also this sense of belonging somewhere. When I have been alone I have felt incredibly lost. I feel far far far less alone since I have been in these rooms and felt welcome and cared about and known. I do think that is one of the things I crave from the A being known. I have now been with him 5 years and I think personally he knows nothing about me, my plans, my issues, my strengths nothing. I feel less known by him than I did by certain people I worked with briefly.
I have also been there and done that with the A and his mother who he holds as some kind of idol despite the fact she did nothing for him. Today he was going on and on about some cousin he has not seen for 10 years who he expects someday to bequeath him something (yeah keep waiting). I used to want to listen and "fix" all that. My wanting to "fix" it was my issue. I must say giving up fixxing is such a relief. When I am at work these days I acknowledge it is dysfunctional. I document what affects me to cover myself but I no longer try to "fix" it unless of course I am asked. What a relief. I used to so exhaust myself with fixxing everything and nearly killing myself in the process. If someone asks me for help feedback I give feedback otherwise I keep it to myself.
I know personally that I have felt desolate, denied, abandoned and just "left" when the A went off on one of his chaos missions. I can still do that but I don't. I just keep the focus on me and my life and most importantly my plan b which has plenty of obstacles on it.
