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Ok, my A has been drinking at home the last month or so, only on Friday nights, and another couple come up and the husbands sit around and drink, and me and his friends wife, may have a few, but we just sit around and talk. Well this past Friday night, it was getting late, so our friends wife went in and went to sleep on our couch, and then I went to bed. About 5:30am, I woke up and the guys were still up drinking. I didn't think too much of it. In any event, today my A got a job interview on Friday, and his friend got fired. Anyway, I checked our computers history this evening after he went to work, and I found all these searches on how to beat a drug test. I found only 2 specific to cocaine. I know my A used coke in college, and apparantly was a pretty serious user. I also remember him telling me that he though that this friend who comes over is using cocaine, but he wasn't sure. My question is-do I confront him on this, or what? I know he will just lie to me anyway, but I feel like I can't say nothing! My gut feeling says that he and his friend did do cocaine, or something on Friday night(on a side note, he didn't end up going to bed until 12:30pm Sat. afternoon-we were having a yard sale which he helped with, somewhat)but, that this was the first time he has done it, and that he is now worried he will be drug tested for this new job. Should I say something, and if so, what? I don't feel like fighting with him. Somehow he will twist it back onto me. it would be easier if I thought he would tell the truth, but I don't. I even called this friend tonight and asked if my A did any drugs on Friday night. Of course he said no, I don't know what I expected. what do I do? do I just say nothing, or what? and can anyone tell me if there are any signs I should look for to know if he is doing this regularly? I know one symptome is irritability, but he is always irritable. Any advice would be good. Thanks so much!
i really cant give you any direct advice but I can tell you that in alanon they tell you to do nothing .. Focus on yourself and dont worry about what he is doing. He is an adult responsible for HIS behavior. If he fails the drug test HE fails it you do not. What do you think he will say if you ask him ? He will say " of course not " then he will get mad and turn the whole thing around on you... At least that is what would occur in my house. This sounds sad but, welcome to my life.. They do drugs/alcohol then lie about it then get angry if we say or do anything .. I am really working on me, trying to get stronger trying not to let his actions dictate mine.
A final thought... Focus on YOU and what YOU want.. Dont ask someone a question that you know they will lie about, it will only frusterate you.. ( i know it does me ) It is so hard not letting their actions make us angry it is a learning experience for all of us..
Dont be so hard on yourself... :) Your no different than me or even a lot of us on this board.
hi Lilleah, I am like you. I want to let my husband know he's not putting one over on me. It never comes out good.
Someone here asked me if there's some information he doesn't know which I should inform him. For example, does he know I would disapprove of whatever the topic is? Is there a chance on earth he thinks I endorse taking drugs, driving drunk, etc. whatever is the topic? that's not the case when I am "driven" to have that conversation. Am I seeking information? Will I believe what he says? Since these are rarely answered yes, I have to look at my motive. Do I need to vent? I should find a better way of meeting my needs. I can come here, go to the chatboard, talk to my sponsor, talk to my hp - you get the drift. When I can leave him to the consequences of his behavior and not interfere, I hasten him finding the bottom. On those days of letting him be, I am at my best.
Thank you for this reminder. I love me on those days! ---Jill
Hi Lilleah I know all about living with and being married to a cocaine addict. I suspect that if your husband and his friend were up all night... he was, indeed, doing coke.
The biggest "sign" that I've seen is our dwindling bank accounts. Make sure you keep an eye on the finances and protect yourself just in case. I wouldn't want you to wind up in the situation I'm in. My A/Cokehead husband spent all the savings we had, maxed out our credit cards, and borrowed money from family members before I figured out what was happening. It's a very expensive addiction. I'm in the midst of separating and divorcing my husband. He's not to be trusted anymore.
Take care of you... Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
thanks so much. I have decided after reading all your advice to not say anything just yet, and keep an eye on it. I figure, he will not tell the truth anyway, and we will just end up fighting, and I just honestly don't have the energy to fight with him, so if the time is right, I will mention it. Right now, I am leaving it up to my hp. Thanks for letting me know what to look for, hopefully he friend is not supplying it for free, so I can watch the bank accounts.
Hi Lilleah.. Everyone is right, keep the focus on you and your program. The result of what he has done isn't going to change anything now. Although, I do feel you should be aware of the signs. Knowledge is power. I would want to be aware if someone was using cocaine in my home.
A few more signs of doing cocaine are..not sleeping, not eating, dilated pupils, increased energy, if he smokes, lots of smoking. When doing a task, someone using Coke can be really obsessive, like if cleaning a car..getting every little spot clean. Talking a lot is another give away.
Hope that helps
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 00:31, 2006-09-13
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I lived with exactly this, and you have gotten some really good comments. I agree with not saying anything unless you have something to say he doesn't already know. Otherwise you are wasting your breath.
One time I DID say something - he had been home alone with our daughter (she was about 8 at the time) for a day or so. When I got home I found evidence that he was freebasing out in the garage (he never did drugs in the house or in front of the kids) . I blew up and really reamed him out "What if you had set fire to yourself, you fool, and she here alone to have to deal with it?" Well, of course he grumbled and said he knew what he was doing blah blah, but he stopped freebasing, at least at our house.
I found that those were the type of boundaries that worked around cocaine use. Not "don't do it", but "No lowlife crackheads in the house - you can hang out in the garage" and "No dealing drugs". Every now and then I would force myself to "have a talk" - it would always end in him saying "Yeah I know, I really gotta quit" and that would be that. Of course, he wouldn't even slow down. When it first started, he fobbed me off with "I've been doing drugs all my life (he's in his 50's) I'm not going to get addicted at this late date." Famous last words.
Really watch the money - if there is any way to get any of your savings into your name only, do it. Cash advances on the credit card are something to watch out for. too. You need to protect yourself - he is not capable of protecting you or himself.
Another sign is paranoia - going around the house, checking the windows, always knows which cars are parked by your house, that type of thing.
THis is sad, because your instinct is to confront this head-on, and let him know that you are aware of what he is doing, and have the "proof." On the other hand, wasting your breath is a dreadful waste of time, and that is what you'd be doing. It's hard to keep your mouth shut and see to your own needs, but AlAnon would teach that you not mention it, and that is probably the best way to handle this.
I wish you well, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
