One of the things that confused me a great deal when I joined Al Anon--although I didn't realize it was confusion at the time--was the difference between "detachment" and "indifference."  I had always heard that the opposite of hate wasn't love, but indifference, but still, it was very confusing. Then I looked it up in the dictionary:

indifferentOne entry found for indifferent.




Main Entry: in·dif·fer·ent
Pronunciation: in-'di-f&rnt, -f(&r&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French or Latin; Anglo-French, from Latin indifferent-, indifferens, from in- + different-, differens, present participle of differre to be different -- more at DIFFER
1 : marked by impartiality : UNBIASED
2 a : that does not matter one way or the other b : of no importance or value one way or the other
3 a : marked by no special liking for or dislike of something <indifferent about which task he was given> b : marked by a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern for something : APATHETIC <indifferent to suffering and poverty>
4 : being neither excessive nor inadequate : MODERATE <hills of indifferent size>
5 a : being neither good nor bad : MEDIOCRE <does indifferent work> b : being neither right nor wrong
6 : characterized by lack of active quality : NEUTRAL <an indifferent chemical>
7 a : not differentiated <indifferent tissues of the human body> b : capable of development in more than one direction; especially : not yet embryologically determined
- in·dif·fer·ent·ly adverb
synonyms INDIFFERENT, UNCONCERNED, INCURIOUS, ALOOF, DETACHED, DISINTERESTED mean not showing or feeling interest. INDIFFERENT implies neutrality of attitude from lack of inclination, preference, or prejudice <indifferent to the dictates of fashion>. UNCONCERNED suggests a lack of sensitivity or regard for others' needs or troubles <unconcerned about the homeless>. INCURIOUS implies an inability to take a normal interest due to dullness of mind or to self-centeredness <incurious about the world>. ALOOF suggests a cool reserve arising from a sense of superiority or disdain for inferiors or from shyness <aloof from his coworkers>. DETACHED implies an objective attitude achieved through absence of prejudice or selfishness <observed family gatherings with detached amusement>. DISINTERESTED implies a circumstantial freedom from concern for personal or especially financial advantage that enables one to judge or advise without bias <judged by a panel of disinterested observers>.

 But still, I was like, "Huh?" then the light bulb went on when I realized how indifferent I was toward my father. This was the man who had sexually molested me, beat me, drank away his pay check so that there was no food, no power, no heat, et cetera, et cetera--and after a life time of insanity I had gotten to a point where, if I got "The Call" ("We found your father, dead from a drug over dose...") I would have said "Let him die there. He'll be more use to the buzzards than he ever was to me!" Yikes! That's out and out malice!

 So then I had to look at the words "indifference" and "detachment" again: in the dictionary, detachment implies that events take place with or without my involvement, and if I am practicing "detachment," I do not enjoy someone getting their "just desserts" nor do I resent them for enjoying victories of their recovery (in other words, if someone gets 60 days of sobriety, that's THEIR sobriety; not mine).

 It was then I also realized how deeply "numb" I had become toward my father, with good reason. This was where a professional was absolutely necessary, if only to keep me from having destructive relationships in the future, or to help me see how my very dangerous relationship to my father has shaped my view of men.