The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I myself have been coming to some tough resolutions. I had counseling with the A on Thursday and told him and the counselor that I'm tired of being a victim and have realized how unhealthy I've become. Whether the A is with me or not its time for me to put the focus back on my life and what makes me happy. I basically said I'm ready and willing to exit the relationship. Well my A of course immediately took it as it being all his fault and eventually stormed out of the session. Our counselor said that unfortunately the A can dish out the painful truth but cannot hear it. She said he's scared of losing me and the kids, with every right because I make his life very easy. Unfortunately I cannot make his life easy and still have energy for myself. Its time for him to pick up the reigns of his life and figure out what makes him happy. He asked for 8-10 weeks to figure out what he's going to do but would like to keep working on the relationship. I asked why, he said because he loves me. I do believe he loves me but his perception of love is more superficial than mine. I love deeply with passion, he cannot go that deep and probably never could. I understand now that what he loves about me is that I "fluff his feathers", take care of the kids, the home, I'm stable etc. He doesn't want to lose the security but is not completely happy with who I am. I agreed to the 10 weeks because that will give me time to figure out what I'm going to do, where I'll live, work, etc. The counselor basically said that its very simple if he wants me and this life then his actions have to line up with his words. So far that has never happened.
Its sad and disappointing, but as I spend time with myself and HP I am understanding that no matter where we are in this life the four of us will always be connected. There is no time or space that can seperate what we've created (our children and family). It gives me comfort to know that "we" did not happen by mistake and that all things do really happen for a purpose. I don't think bringing in our two beautiful boys into this world was an accident or bad choice by any standards, they give us such joy. Too bad he's so unhappy with his life that he misses a great deal of good stuff. I'm a pretty lucky person to have been able to walk this road and my A has shown me a great deal about myself and the good things I realized I still have inside me to give to my kids and the world around me. Nothing I say or do will force him to wake up and realize that he could have a beautiful with me and the kids except him. I don't think 10 weeks will undue what has taken almost five years, but its not on my timing its on my HP's timing. I've just really spent the last three days giving myself what I need, feeling the grief and pain has been part of it but I'm proud of myself that I've allowed myself to feel it and move on. I've started writing poetry again and it has been a good outlet to getting my feelings out. I'm grateful for this program and all of you who bring such enlightenment to my life.
One Day At A Time,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Well I have a whole day of housework ahead of me after working a 60 hour week and the A wont' life a finger. So I can definitely relate to feeling "used". I am doing the house work for me these days though not for him. I need to live in a house that is clean and organized.
I think it is good to start an exit stragegy for yourself. I know it is not good to make "rash" decisions. Sometimes the As crazy actions push us towards that. I think it is good you take time to grieve and gather your strength. I set small goals for myself and watch them accumulate and Ik eep my eyes on the prize. I want out from under the weight of taking care of him over me...
I think there is absolutely nothing as painful as the reality that we, as recovering individuals, cannot take our loved ones on our journey with us. Just as we had to realize at a certain point that we had to do this for us, had to change for our own well being, had to begin to take care of ourselves, the reality that we cannot make another change is equally as dramatic. I believe it is a process, not an event--there are parts of me only now embracing the reality that until my father fully embraces his powerlessness against his disease, I am powerless to help him. And there are days when I embrace this so fully that nothing can stop me; yet there are days when I cannot seem to grasp that my father is an alcholic period. There is nothing wrong with this; the fact is that we as humans have good days and have bad days.
I am proud of you for your honesty and candor at the session. Owning our true selves, the ones we find in our hearts, is to me the essence of "This above all, to thine own self be true." I also am very proud of you for sharing with us your true self.
I think that this reading from The Language of Letting Go, Vol. II helped me a great deal in surrendering my nuclear family to a God of their understanding and living, so that they may live in peace. Ultimately, I had to come to terms with a fear of being alone. And I realized that being in pain was more terrible than being alone. Period.
Stand up to your fear of abandoment
"I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't good for me," a woman said to me one day. "My boyfriend manipulates me, and he often doesn't tell me the truth. But ebery time I get ready to kick him to the curb, my fear of abandoment sets in."
Many of us have a fear of abandoment. Some of us let it rule our lives. We'll do anything just so that person doesn't walk out and leave us alone.
I spent many years letting fear of abandoment control me. After a while, I finally wore out that belief. I just got sick and tired of worrying about whether I was good enough for that person.
Then a new thought set me free: If you don't want to be my friend, or my lover, or my employer, I don't want you in my life.
No more emotional blackmail. No more stress. No more having to second-guess what that other person is feeling.
Are you spending you time worried about someone leaving you? Does your fear of being abandoned leave you feeling like and underdog in your relationships? Let it go. Stand fast. And listen to what I'm about to tell you: If that person doesn't want to be in your life, just let him or her leave. Do you someone in your life who really doesn't want to be there? Of course not. Let him or her go.
Once you adopt this belief, it's easy to send the bad relationships packing, and the good people want to stay.
God help me believe that I deserve only the best of relationships.
Thanks Tiger for that response, so profound and true. I was honestly able to say to my A you are free to leave if you choose as I am ready to leave. I simply said if this is not what you want than I don't want you. He continued to say that leaving is not what he wants, we'll see what those actions say.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Great job on letting go & turning that focus back on to you. Starting on the Next Right Thing and doing what you feel your HP is leading you to do is a great step in recovery. I know for me, prior to recovery, I always waited for my AH to take action, then I reacted. That doesn't work for me anymore.
Thank you so much for your honest and open share. It's tough to realize what we thought was going to work out, isn't going so well - It's even tougher to admit it to others.
Thank you for sharing your recovery with us,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
