The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just joined this group a few nights ago and am so grateful for the community. Thank you all for your wisdom, hope and strength.
The situation with the A in my life now is challenging, but I'm feeling centered and grounded these days so I thought I'd take a moment to continue to seek others' experience and insight while I'm feeling pretty good for the rough days I know are likely ahead.
My partner is a recovering alcoholic, now sober more than 1.5 years and doing very, very well. We live overseas (have for about 1.5 years) and we each attend our own AA/Al-Anon meetings. Last March she said she needed a "break" from our 7-year relationship, not because she didnt love me but because I was "sick" and needed to work on myself before she felt good working on us. WOW--I agree that things had gotten bad between us, but she delivered quite a wakeup call, with an important though hurtfully-delivered message. No doubt I'd been very insecure, critical, needy, resentful, self-pitying etc. in the previous months, but as you all know, when the A enters recovery and develops a life on her/his own, gee, it feels like--wait, why are you so happy with yourself and all these other people but want nothing to do with me!? (not my best or healthiest moments...)
I've gotten my head out of the sand a bit since then, trying to work the program, finding this site, attending a variety of meetings while I've been in the US visiting (our Al-Anon group here is TINY and though I've been attending for awhile I have little experience with a robust group with experienced/senior members...often I am the chair/treasurer/secretary of my group because the numbers are so low!). I've also had the chance to go on vacation, to see friends and family who love me, ground me, help me gain perspective. Feeling pretty good.
So here's the situation: my (now ex-)partner has decided to move back to the US. Good decision, I think, for both of us. Thing is, she doesnt want to do so until next spring. (Next spring!! that's like 7 months!!). Communication has virutally stopped between us. We are staying in separate rooms of the apartment (paid for by my company). She has her friends and life and I have mine. Okay, sort of, except the people around us dont know we're no longer together, which can be uncomfortable when they ask me, "so how's your partner; havent seen her in a while." (yeah, neither have I!) She seems to think it is acceptable to be "roommates"--not ideal, not comfortable, but according to her "she has no other option." I tend to dispute this fact, though she cant afford an apartment here on her own, seems unwilling to live with friends, and has no intention to go back to the states until its convenient for her. She says she wants no friendship with me (though seems to have expectations about my behavior she hasnt articulated) and seems quite annoyed when I speak with her at home, even to ask simple questions.
It's clear there are some real "dry drunk" controlling behaviors happening, but I'm trying not to work her program and only my own. I have come to realize there are many things for which I want to make amends to her, including many years of my own selfishness, criticism, judging, and hurtful behavior, as well as her belief that I have not taken care of her financially since we moved overseas (an agreement we made when we left). We've had some conversations about this since the break, and although I would prefer she leave the apartment now, I also still care about her, want her to succeed, and feel uncomfortable and childish demanding she leave right away. At the same time, my preference would be to offer her some start-up money to get resettled and have her leave by the end of the year. (this, according to her, is "kicking me out" I replied, "it is taking care of myself and stating my needs for the first time in 7 years')
Is letting her stay here a part of making amends or am I falling back into patterns of having no boundaries and being unwilling to say no and take care of myself? I feel strongly that I still care for her deeply (love her, really) and want to meet my previously agreed obligations. I know I am responsible for some--not all but some--of the things that went awry in the relationship, and through Al-Anon I've finally opened my eyes to that fact. I want to be an adult and really would like to think we could be freinds someday, when we can forgive ourselves and each other. (incidentally, we also own a house together in the US, but that's another story). Right now, however, we don't interact as friends or adults. I think I've gotten better at detaching (vacations do help!), but I know I'll have moments in the future where I'm not so serene, and I want to stick to the high road.
Your thoughts and experiences are welcome.
Peace and serenity to you all, and thanks again for this amazing group!
About three years ago my husband pulled this same stunt on me. As unbelieveable as it is he claimed the same (that I was too sick to be with) and did not speak to me for an entire year. He moved into his home office and slept on the floor and declared that he was "divorced in his heart" and so free to live his own life. He claimed that I had it coming since I had "behaved in a way that SHOWED I wanted a divorce" so he was just taking the first step.
At first I thought I could be adult about it, but then I realized that it was tortuous to live like that with someone I loved. I tried to reason with him, if he wants to move on, MOVE ON, or go to counseling, but this living with me and ignoring me and such was OUT.
I began to realize that he enjoyed causing me pain and misery, and being there to watch it. He enjoyed watching me twist yself into a pretzal trying to make up with him so we could have a normal home life...as normal as it can be with an dry drunk. Ironically, during this period my husband stopped drinking on his own, it made him sicker than ever. That is sick behavior and not at all healthy.
From my experience all of this song and dance about YOU being too sick for a relationship is nonsense, it is scapegoating. Healthy people who make this decision DISTANCE themselves from the person they see as "too sick" for them to be invovled with. People who claim you are too sick to be with, then stay around you so they can watch your pain and misery up close and personal are coming from a sick twisted place.
I can see where you are coming from, you sound genuinly caring and concerned and I give you a lot of credit for that considering how you are hurting. Once thing is making amends...another thing is submitting yourself to emotional abuse and pain and rejection on a daily basis.
In my book your friend has treated you VERY shoddily, callously, and the fact that she does not even want to "be friends" after all you have been through with her says a lot about her...and how sick she is to want to continue living with you.
Sick people like to control others through emotion, they get some sick satisfaction thinking they control your strings like a puppet. When they enter into recovery they often learn some very manipulative techniques to use. Rather than say THEY want to leave since they are too sick to act right, they will give a song and dance about YOU being too sick for them. If that were really true...they would treasure their recovery and emotional health and LEAVE and get far away from the "sick person" jeapardizing their recovery. You should do some research into "Borderline Personality Disorder" also. This behavior is a classic. Rather than see recovery as a chance to learn about themselves and get healthy, they see it as a chance to learn other techniques to manipulate others. They have a sixth sense almost on how to turn healthy and positive thigns around to hurt and manipulate people.
Sounds like you have already made amends...you have offered her "start up money" to make it on her own. You have been patient and kind, putting up with a lot, willing to be patient.
If she does not accept your amends, to help her make it on her own away from you "the sick person" who is "too sick" for her in her opinion, then give up trying to make amends and give her a move out date. Ninety days is sufficient since you are willing to help her and give her the money to make it work. Ninety days is already a long time to deal with this misery.
I sympathize SO much with you! I know how much it hurts to live with someone you love who has rejected you as unfit...then sticks around to watch you squirm up close and personal while you twist yourself like a pretzal trying to "be normal" and make amends so that your home can be a home again, rather than feel like an emotional freezer with you as the leftovers that no one wants and is ready for the trash can.
(((((((((((faraway))))))))))))) I urge you to engage in TRUE recovery and do what is best for YOU! Especially in your own home...that you work and pay for. No one should have to live like that...especially when you are paying the bill...now THAT is icing on the cake...of misery!
Making amends, to me, is taking responsibillity for my own actions, and making reparation when possible. I don't think that 'punishing myself' is part of it, or shouldn't be.
This is the kind of thing that is really best taken to a sponsor, but I bet with alanon being so small there, you haven't got one, so I'll try to come up with some questions a sponsor might ask.
Is the situation really impossible in the apartment, or are you making it so by holding on to expectations?
Are you making an 'either/or' out of a situation that actually could have many other solutions?
If you looked at these as two separate problems, rather than tying them together, would a solution be more possible? For instance, figuring out about how much money you really should have made available to her in the past, and just giving it to her. Then, saying the situation in the apartment is making you unhappy, and you would like to change it, and giving her a chance to have input on what changes she would be willing to make.
Are you being completely honest with yourself about your motives, or are you trying to manipulate things to ensure an outcome you are wishing for?
Have you given this up to your Higher Power, and kept your eyes open for signs as to what you should do?
Maybe looking within for the answers to these questions will help you get more clarity on the issue.
In addition to what lin said, if you are interested in the Al Anon program, perhaps attending open AA meetings would help. Amends are 1) done with a sponsor. When I thought I owed someone amends the reason my sponsor was there was to tell me a) if they were owed (I was under the impression I was the worst human being on the face of the planet and owed EVERYONE amends); b)IF or WHEN to make them (sometimes, actually making an amend may do more harm than good; it may place the person I am making an amend to, their loved ones or MYSELF in danger, physically or emotionally); c) HOW and IN WHAT MANNER to make the amend (do I go to them personally? do I write them an email? call them long distance? or, like in (b), pray for them, and not physically contact them at all?).
The 2) thing about amends is that the previous 7 steps need to be done. When I am under the impression of what I think I "should" do or "ought" to do, what I'm really doing is self sponsoring my life again--and my solutions did not lead to serenity or sanity. Therefore, it's crucially important that I have a heart level grasp of the fact that alcholism, the family disease, has affected my life; it has allowed me to behave in certain ways that have affected my relationships (explored in step 2, 4, 5, 6, 7); it has caused me discomfort in the following ways (explored in the same steps); and only a power that is NOT me can relieve me of this discomfort (explore in 1, 3, 7 and 8).
Given how small al anon is in your vicinity, consider going to open AA meetings. Many AA's are "double winners:" they attend both AA and Al anon where availible, and they would be happy to take you through the steps, be an open ear to your hurts and work with you on literature. Additionally, please do not feel obligated to be "all tenets of service" to your meeting: our seventh tradition is explicit that we are to be self supporting in all things. We are to pay our own rent, which means each meeting has a treasurer; we are to have an active meeting roster, which means every meeting has a secretary; we are to have functioning meetings, which means a weekly chair (or monthly, based on a group conscience prospectus); when one person is doing all the work, the members will a) become complacent, allowing that one person to do all the work, and b) the person will become resentful, feeling the need to do the work themselves, fully realizing that it will not get done otherwise. Our 7th tradition is explicit for this reason: if our members want recovery, they must work for it. They must "Make it work!" as Tim Gunn says on Project Runway.
I am greatful for your candor and your desire to recover. Please come back and keep us posted.
Thanks, all, for the experience and comments. Hugs are always welcome, the questions are extremely useful, as is the guidance on amends. (you're right, no sponsor here as the group is too small.)
Still feeling good--detachment definitely works :) --though I cant say I did it on my own, something just clicked (thanks HP)!) Knowing this group is here is also an incredible addition to my tools for serenity.
I asked the A the other day for her bank information so that I could transfer the first part of the money due to her; she said never mind. Fascinating to see even when she seems to "get what she wants" (or feels is due) she doesnt want it. Clearly we're both having a hard time letting go, but I was surprised how much on her part. I plan to transfer the money ASAP so that it is no longer an issue, then have another conversation in the coming days about her move, etc and just hope I approach it with calm and dignity.
