The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two months ago, my bf's ex decided she wanted her daughter back. Her reason was because my bf/her ex was never home.(he does travel a lot) And she felt like it was not the gf's(me) job to raise their daughter. I have grown to love this little girl as my own. (I shouldn't say little, she's 13 now) The judge allowed her to decide. She choose to go with her mother. I was hurt and angry as was my bf.
I have tried to maintain communication with both mother and daughter and even got to see her 2 wks ago. So just when I think I have accepted the fact that she's not living here and about to finally let go....... she calls crying that she wants to come back. She is telling me how she hates her mom, hates her stepdad, hates her school, just filled with hate.
I gently reminded her that this was her decision and tried to encourage her to give it some more time that she needs to adjust to a new lifestyle. But secretly my heart was filled with joy at the thought of getting my girl back. I am trying to remind myself that she is truly not mine and I have to consider her real mother's feelings about this.
I would really appreciate some esh's on this. I have been trying to apply the serenty prayer with this.God grant me the serinity. To accept the fact that I might not can change this situation. Courage to change the way I feel about this situation. And I get stuck on the wisdom to know the difference.
This will all play out in the fullness of time, and what will be will be. Meanwhile, take care of yourself, and be there should your lovely little daughter need you.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
This is a very common scenario when children go live with the other parent.
At first the child is happy with all of the attention they are getting as they settled into their new home. Then, when the "newness" wears off and they are no longer seen as a sort of "guest" and the parent begins to well PARENT (as in discipline) the child begins to long for the other parent. Especially if the other parent was not as strict.
I am sure you love this child very much, as you say, "as your own" but try to keep in mind that her mother has all of this love and much more as there is a special bond between a mother and a biological child.
The child has made a decision, your bf work situation has not changed so it sounds like this child is with her mom to stay. Try to continue to take the high road and show real love for this child by nurturing the bond with her and her mother.
Remember that 13 is a very difficult age! I myself would never want to go through the teen years again with a PMS prone girl! LOL! Some of this is just teenage angst.
Keep in mind that since you and your bf are not married, legally you don't have any legal standing with this child. Try to concentrate on being her "friend", like a big sister, someone she can confide in and do fun stuff with. Let her mom be her mom.
Love knows no legal definition and you already have a bond with this child. Try to nurture that bond without wishing to have the legal situation changed.
I hope she settles into her new home with her mom.
I didn't realize but it makes sense, this being a common scenario. And that she is happy with the attention then changing her mind once the newness wears off. Poor girl has bounced back and forth between homes for almost two years now. I think I understand now that this is her way of getting more attention from all of us.
I do want what is best for her and will try to continue nurturing the bond between mother and daughter.
Aaaaah the Serenity Prayer. Good prayer, sometimes confusing other times impossible to understand and then there are the times when it is as clear as a bell.
For me I married into two ready made families and had a family of my own from my first marriage. God's will or mine? Mine. I loved as best I could all of those I chose to place myself with. God's will or mine? God's and mine. I tried to accept all the ups and downs ins and outs that come with divorce, courts, broken rulings, support, communications, understandings, wants, wishes, rights and wrongs blah, blah, blah and ended up fighting it all. God's will or mine. Acceptance (unconditional) God's the fighting and controlling stuff mine.
My sponsor said, "First thing in the morning...kill your ego and smash your pride." When I do I suddenly get into perspective...who is and isn't God. (God grant me the serenity to accept.., this is a prayer of humility or being teachable.)
Now I have taken a good look at myself. I see the honest stuff and the dishonest stuff and pray for the courage to change the dishonest stuff. (I can change me if I am honest and willing...I cannot change any other person, place or thing especially those that don't want to be changed.) (...the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can...)
Now I pray to stay willing. I make as much of a commitment as I possibly can to continue to stay willing and open. The Serenity Prayer might not always be about God's will and mine. It could be only about my will and willingness.
Again I learned from my sponsor to hold all situations I was struggling with up to the light of the Serenity Prayer. When I do I can relax my tight grip on the situation and let the situation rest with my Higher Power with faith and a confidence. I now don't know how it will come out for me or for anyone else and I have faith that whatever way it does, It will be okay and so will I. Besides HP has always done a much much better job than Jerry F don't you just know.
