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I'm sorry I haven't posted on here for a long time, but I do visit often and read your ESH often. Thank you for that. You have helped me tremendously.
My situation is this; My Son in law was killed in a car accident June 1st. His daughter, my grandaughter's birthday was June 4th, she turned 14. Needless to say, it has been a very trying time. My daughter had been with him since she was 16 and that was her whole life. She has no high school diploma or even a drivers license, and no job experience. She's 32 now.
However, their lives did involve drinking and drugs. He worked in the oilfield. They both knew we didn't approve of it for ourselves, although we never tried to judge them. They just simply stopped coming around us after we had stopped "enabling" them by loaning them money. We still talked occasionally and our grandaughter would come to visit. They live an hour away.
The day he died we went over there immediately to be with them. I was so shocked because all of their "druggy" friends just swarmed them! And, even more shocked I guess when she turned to them for advice and comfort. I have seen her twice since his death and my grandaughter has been here to visit for a week or so twice. Before his death, my grandaughter had already been very angry with her mom and dad because of the drugs and the fact that they stayed in their bedroom all the time. My daughter has ignored almost all of my phone calls and rarely talked with me at all. Then the day before school started she called me and she and my grandaughter said they were having a lot of anger toward each other and wanted me to come pick her up and enroll her in school here and let her stay here for the first semester. I was so shocked by this request the day before school started...especially after my daughter had ignored my phone calls for so long. I must say here that I am already raising one grandaughter and she is a Senior this year. I told them that I felt we should all sit down together and talk this over; and also that maybe they could find someone to talk to to try to handle their issue of anger instead of being separated.
Since then, neither have answered any phone calls or emails. This Saturday my Senior has a cross country meet over at their town. Before when we have gone to these we always went to visit them after the meet. Now I don't know whether we should or not! I want to see them, but obviously my daughter is angry with me. My sponser says she is probably going through some guilt over the use of drugs and doesn't want to face me.
She did receive some insurance money and the couple of times I did talk to her I had told her to be careful, because there are people who prey on circumstances like this, and my husband and I both offered our help for anything she needed. We didn't push, simply offered. Well, of course her "friends" are right there for her, and she has nothing to do with her family now.
I have truly been let her go and trust that God will take care of them. Right now I just don't know whether to go by to visit her tomorrow.
My prayers are with you in having to make these life changing decisions concerning your daughter and grandaughter.
I think the best suggestion I've always heard is sometimes no decison is a decision and you will know when the right time is to do what is right for you and your household.
I know my hope is that as my children choose to have children that they will be the ones to nuture and care for them. So far so good, but only one of three daughters have a child. I do commend you on having the ability to raise one grandaughter already, that in itself is a sacrifice on your behalf.
I know that we are only responsible for our actions and our actions should not be based on feelings of guilt or because someone is demanding something from us. I believe there are other ways you can show your love for your grandaughter without having to finish raising her if that is the choice you make. I know it is sometimes the most difficult thing to help our alcoholic's to understand that we love them but cannot enable them.
***this is me speaking for myself and myself only.***
The first thing I hear is an important group of people in an inordinate amount of pain. And, I, *I* would ask my doctor for a referral to a family therapist. ****If only for you and your grandaghter, this will allow a safe place to process through feelings! It will also allow each of you to process through grief.****It may also be recommended for your grandaughter to see a therapist for herself privately--to lose her father 1x to drugs and then again to a car accident is absolutely traumatic. She is already hurt deeply and now is doubly angry at everyone and everything in her world.
Perhaps leaving some alateen/alanon literature in her new bedroom--"Free To be me" from ala teen is all personal stories from alateens. And a journal. That was big for me.
About the meet: GO. Show her, no matter what YOU ARE THERE. Sober. Loving. Practicing these pricincples in ALL your affairs. Cheer. Put face paint on, I don't know. But scream yourself hoarse. And show her you love her.
And for you: WE ARE HERE! We love you. Please keep checking in.
I think A's do tend to put things on people as the fait accompli. Once my boyfriend's mother decided we needed to spend 3 weeks with her. She didn't ask, she decided. And when I didn' go along with the decision she was miffed.
I am sure you have your own grief around this accident. I am certainly glad for you that you have limits, congratulations on having them, holding them and not feeling guilty about them.
Sounds to me like you are dealing with your daughter about right - offering support, but not allowing yourself to be steamrollered.
I would think that the most important thing here is the child - what is really going on with her? I think, if it were me (and you can take this for what you think it's worth) I'd swallow a certain amount of pride just in order to get a chance to talk to the girl and see what her wishes and concerns are. It may be that the situation in that house is such that you really would feel that the girl would be better off with you - you need more information here.
I'd call, if I were you, when I went to their town for the meet. I have found that I have never regretted taking the high road, in life.
Thank you all for your ESH. I do so appreciate it.
About my grandaughter... yes, she is my main concern. I have never seen so much anger in someone so young. My 17 yr that I have raised since 22 mo. old does have a lot of anger in her over things she knows about her birth mother and incidents that happened before I got her, but she is a different personality and although it's been extremely difficult, with the help of Al-Anon we have made some progress there; and she will be 18 in Jan. But the 14 yr old has carried so much anger for so long that I truly worry that something drastic may happen.
I've truly prayed today about this because I sometimes wonder if my doubts about going to see them are selfish or not. A part of me wants to protect "myself" from more rejection; but another part wants to know they are "okay". I know I can't change the way either of them think or feel, but there again, I am only responsible for what I do or say and how I react to them.
As far as counseling goes, yes, of course they both need it. However, my daughter totally refuses any offers where they live because the last time she went for some counseling before, the counselor confronted her about her drug use. She became angry and left. I truly have no idea what goes on in their household. As far as drugs, I know for sure she does pot, because she doesn't consider that to be a drug; and I know she drinks a lot...she began drinking as a teenager and even went to AA at 16. Now she says that she was an A then but now she's not ... she just goes on binges. DUH!
Ibelieve I will make the effort to go see them. If she doesn't answer the door, it will not be the first time that's happened! At least I can leave a note and they will know we tried.
