In a week and a half his mother goes to live in another state and will be gone out of my life for probably ever that is physically although I have not physically seen her for years, her presence around the A is ever present.... And like my anger at the A a lot of anger is swirling at her.  She was incredibly rude to me on one family occasion really rude and nasty and mean.  And I have not really been to a family occasion with her since.  Now she is getting married and pushing off and leaving with no notice.  A lot of rage is coming up for me abour her enabling, her selfishness and her self absorption (she once talked to me for 8 hours about her job with no question to me about my life - it says a lot that I did not up and go then what a martyr I was!).  She has always been the enabler to the A when I have set limits with him, he has run over there and she has given him alcohol.  Every family occasion is full of alcohol and that's it at the holidays it is one long family occasion for her and attendance is mandatory.  Both her her sons are alcoholics wouldn't you believe that she wouldn't have alcohol at them.  Nope she wants it so she has it and she gives it to them. The brother limits his to one drink but smokes marjuana profusely.  So after the family occasion my boyfriend would hole up with his brother in his room (he lived with the mother but is being kicked out in the street now because she ordains it).  They would be in there for hours and I  would be left with the mother to entertain her.  And being the martyr for a long long time I did.  I had some idea that I was building a relationship with her and she certainly had one with me one day she tore into me and demolished me and then acted like she had said nothing!

Every single holiday, every single year she demanded that he got to her house to have the same meal. Every birthday he had she insisted he come over to have her same meal *.  We once, when I had money (there was a time I did) and made a reservation to stay at a coastal resort had to rush back to take part in her visit.  We always had to be there for hours on end, it wasn't enough to drop in for the meal, no it had to be a year-long (well it seemed like a year - a day long) exercise. And it didn't matter what he was doing or where he was he had to go!  Naturally the A went, no matter what I wanted, no matter what else was going on he went.  and I always sulked, fumed, raged and felt left out.  That is till I got here last Christmas when I began to have my own holiday and stop fuming and pouting that he did not include me in his plans.  I was so so lonely that Christmas and I came to meetings here and I felt so out of it but I still kept coming.

One month ago she got tired of playing widow, met someone and decided to marry them.  So now the demand to be there on a holiday is gone...since its all on "her" terms.  And she is having a "party" at a friends house for her wedding in this next week and I have thought what would be the right thing for me to do....

For the past few weeks I have been thinking horrible mean, nasty, evil thoughts about her and her rudeness and her demands and her need to butt into my relationship with him.  I also have thought of how angry I was when he was ill, really seriously ill, she was not there for one second. When he came out of the hospital to have a biopsy not knowing if he was facing a life threatening disease or not that night she insisted he go over to her house to play cards and she presented him with a candy bar (she works in a candy store and gets them for free) and told him "everything will be all right".  I was so so angry about that because I felt like I was stuck with the A. Like many of us here I felt I was the only one he had and that guilt and responsibility made me feel I had to help him. After all he had no one but me.  Needless to say that has never been acknowledged or thanked.  Talk about a martyr I did not even get to be acknowledged for giving, for digging into my wallet, paying the bills, taking care of him, holding the fort.  I once asked him to ask her for some groceries.  She sent over a tiny bag, like one you have to hold a trinket.  And of course it was all full of single portions. What a message to me..that she hated me.

Then at some point today because I think I have been so focused on detaching, I got to a point of seeing her, the A's mother, as just one more woman who I had run into who acts like the world revolves around her and thinks she can demand my attention and beat me up at the same time.  My elder sister was like that so no wonder I have such strong feelings about her.  I got to the point of being able to say I can let go of this woman without acrimony.  Needless to say I will not be going to her "party".  I go to no parties with the A at all, have not for years now since I am not going to be around him when he drinks.  I can see her leaving and my detaching from her and not saying anything "mean" much as I would like to...as part of a graceful letting go. I do not have to give her spite, venom, aggression, mean ness, pettiness my time of day.  I can focus on people who want to be "real" with me rather than martyr me.  I can focus on my life ahead which inevitably will be without the A and not lambast, lament and castigate this woman anymore.  I can let go.  I don't really much care where she is going (the middle of nowhere) or what her wedding is like, or really even who this man is she is marrying in such haste. And I don't plan to find out, I don't even have minimal curiousity about it.  I can just let go and ...breathe..and move on...like it is a bump in the road rather than a major catastrophe.  I don't have to say something nasty, mean spirited or evil to the A.  He can do what he wants which is what he does regardless anyway.  He never listened to me and when I once brought up how angry I was about the candy bar incident he attacked me and raged at me.  So I do not discuss his mother with him any more than I discuss anything, after all I am talking to his disease most of the time anyways.  And I am tired of being lied to...

I did not know how to let go of the A before step by step day by day, I always got back in the ring and tried one more time to make it work, make him know, let him know he was killing me too with his actions..and now I know he doesn't care what or why or how..he just wants his drugs.  Now I do it is a day by day thing. I can let go of him, I can let go of his mixed up crazy family and his crazy friends and his lies and his promises.  And I can do it without whipping myself into a rage and hating them. I can just let go and let them live whatever way they want to live without my input.

I don't have to react to this wedding any more than I react to the creditors (his creditors not mine) calling day and night, his friends taking priority over everything and his drug use. I can let go say nothing and move onto the next thing which for me will be positive.  I can let go of people who are so so mean and nasty and selfish and not remonstrate about why they are like that...just let go... without being in a puddle doing it.

Maresie.