The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Essentially what the A puts me in all the time from morning to night and during my sleep is a double bind. He is always telling me that he does not have time for me or my needs. Yet at the same time, he demands and cajoles and manipulates to get all his needs met. The only thing that matters are his needs.
The way I have played into that is with my martyr role. I felt that the more I gave the more he "needed me". He did not need or love me at all. He merely "used me" because I was available.
On the one hand he is always complaining I have needs and how independent he is. The next he is complaining and demanding I attend to his every whim. Of course he also screams, shouts, acts out, damages stuff, smashes stuff, acts the victim at every juncture too.
So essentially he gives me this message all the time I hate you but don't leave me. And up to now in 6 years the most I left him for was 6 days when I went to a motel. And I've been on a few work related trips which he didn't seem to care about at all. He regularly leaves me to go off on one of his binges or his guilt trips where he alleges he took off and will take off for ever and can do it in a drop of a hat. He leaves me with the dog who he claims he is crazy about funny that I would have imagined he would find the space to take care of the dog someone in those grandiose plans of his.
And Ive lived this martyr, victim, rescuer stuff for 6 years. And all I wanted to do all day today was fight with him, remonstrate with him that he is hurting me (well he knows that and he gets great control out of it too - so much for believing somewhere in there he does not want to hurt me - hurting me gets him what he wants - control so he is not going to give it up). I want to cling onto him and try again to remonstrate with him. I know where remonstrating has got me in the past, now here, nothing nada, more concessions, more things for "him" and nada for me.
The issue is, despite his protestations, despite his claims of how unhappy he is, how "sick he is" how disappointed he is...the only person whose needs get met is him..his needs are all met. None of mine are met, yet I keep on trying to persuade him to give me another crumb.
Well mar you seem to keep setting yourself up quite nicley in this relationship. Our insanity is doing the same things over and over again hopeing this time it will turn out diff and like u said it never does. And please be careful "he throws and breaks things" I believe that when he runs out of things YOUR next. never underestimate the power of this disease.
I have been told there are no vicitims in these relationships we all volunteer.
I don't think I am torn over plan B. I am just trying to resist the call to fight with him one more time. What is there to fight over. His disease won. That's all.
I read your post and was hearing merry-go-round music just like I heard when I was doing the very same thing. I hate merry-go-rounds and couldn't figure why I kept on riding with the alcoholic. Then the question came up...Why not just get off?...and I couldn't find a reason why not to just get off the merry-go-round; so I jumped off and never went back on it again. I found out I don't need a special reason to quit playing the game. Any reason I have is good enough. I need to practice not playing it every chance I get. This practice stuff works everywhere and everytime. Exercising the courage to do the changes that are important to my spiritual serenity is my responsibility and not attached to anything anyone else is doing or not doing that can have an affect on my life. The ODAT says that "...courage is fear that has said its prayers." I know this to be true today in my program. Page 13 of the ODAT was a real header for me and gave me thought and permission to STOP playing my part that kept me in trouble.
You too can quit anytime you want. Substitute what you are doing with your alcoholic with a better, more healthier behavior.
