The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I've been reading the posts the past few days, reminding myself that each person is in perfect process with their higher power. But I keep noticing a pattern.
I don't hear people talk about what their sponsor said. That they have a sponsor. That they're using their sponsor.
I don't hear people say what they heard at a meeting. That they went to a meeting. That they go to meetings.
I don't hear people talk about their roles. That they looked at their responsibility in the relationship. Or make an effort to acknowledge that they have a role, period. Somehow, it's all that stupid drunk's fault.
I don't hear people talking about the literature. Or that they're reading it. Or that they're discussing it. Or that they're making an effort to understand it. Or that they're making an effort to apply it to their lives.
No, consistently I hear "Poor me!" "My life sucks!" "I can't go on!" "You won't believe what that stupid drunk did!"
And then...then there's something that concerns me the most. "My life is worse than your life! You'll never understand what it's like to have my life because it's so much worse than yours!"
Now, see, that's living in the disease. That's what people do when they don't want to work recovery. That's how people stay sick. Comparing insanities is like comparing cancers: inevitably, if untreated, everyone dies.
So I'd like to encourage a change on this board.
I'd like to encourage people to share something neat they did with their sponsor the other day.
I'd like to encourage people to share about the literature and how they're applying it to their life. How their prospective was altered by it.
I'd like to hear how you look for your role in a situation, no matter what. Who you process it with, how you know when to stop beating yourself up, how you practice self forgiveness.
I'd like to hear about your home group and the cast of characters that make it special for you. I'd like to hear what made you wanna make this meeting home.
Its funny because I have been thinking that people being so honest here helps me enormously to get beyond the shame. Personally I see hear a lot of recovery here. I watch people grow literally within this room.
Great post. So true. Can I add that replies to these post might better server others if they include much of what you've written and referrals back to the steps, CAL, etc.
Tonight, I was thinking about my life, and wishing it was was like Burger King...I'd like to have it my way, lol, oh well, your post snapped me back to reality, because even though it's not my way, it's really not that bad.
"So much depends on our own attitudes" -- now isn't that the truth, where I was thinking my life is like a burger w/out cheese, or the bun even...atleast I've got that burger lol. Gratitude for what is, staying out of wishing for what isn't, and living in the moment -- not past hurts or projecting future disasters. Just in the moment. That's where I seem to find my peace.
Thanks for that. I had been thinking the same thing lately. An A once told me that you can work the steps all you want, but if you don't live them than that's not working the program. Hmmm....... good point.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
In my experience, I have learned the only one I can control is me.
It is not my job to critique other's shares. I am humbled by everyone who comes here and is honest and shares how they feel and what they think.
I would never take it upon myself to judge anyone, it is NOT my job.
Many times when people come here they are hurting. They cannot think straight. Remember we are sick too.
It is our responses that will remind them of the hopes and skills of alanon. Do you read the responses?
As mature as I am in alanon, there are times I feel it is my first time here. Someone just saying, remember one day at a time, will remind me of the basics.
I can fall into the pit and not even realized it.
This is a message board, messages from many different people we can relate to. There is NO WAY it will have a "home" like atmosphere if we have to think about what we say.
I appreciate your thoughts, but sadly it is DISEASE. We come here to guide us on our path, in our own unique recovery process.
To be blunt, where in your post did you talk about your recovery, your sponsor, your meetings etc?
But I would not change a thing. I am glad you said how YOU felt.
And we will NOT follow any rules that stop the precious flow of individual thoughts here.
I would suggest reading the responses. Maybe that is more what you are looking for, for your own recovery.
I hear ya,but I have to go along with debilyn also.I think the experience,strength,and hope you are looking for is in the responses to the posts.People come here(as I did) and post because they are in pain and need to get some perspective.The responses tell them how we dealt with that same issue, or what we have learned in the program.
I have tried to also give some E S & H as posts when I have had a light bulb moment or some new revelation.Others have done that as well.
In fact,it is in the responses to the " poor me, life sucks,you won't believe.....",that I get the most benefit.Even though I no longer live with an active A,I usually find something that helps me as well.I just never know who HP will use to get through to me.Sometimes it is what seems like the most unlikely person.
Anyway, I am so glad you have your own place now.I hope things are lookin up for you.
It sounds like you know what works and are really focused on the suggestions that brought you along in recovery. It also sounds like it would be a good time for you to consider sponsoring another member if you don't already. The things you desire to hear and see are real recovery. I was taught by my sponsor and others in the program that "It doesn't work until you give it away." That's true. I love the face to face meeting formation with the reading of the steps and most importantly the traditions...heck all of it. That is what saved my life and keeps me coming back. Sponors? ...if a member is trying to do this program by themself and this is called self sponsoring, they are relying on a sick person who will not listen to suggestions to get them well. This was another thing that was given to me just before I got my first sponsor.
I truthfully have done the critique thing many times in the past and especially when I got impatient with what seemed to be a departure from the guidelines. I have to remember who I am, how I got here, why I am qualified to be here and what I am trying to do; like recover with a bunch of other victims of the disease of alcoholism who at times have nothing but a hug for me and only want one back.
Your post reminded me of an Al-Anon saying that, "An expectation is a future resentment." I hope you don't have any from this forum.
Take a ((((((hug)))))), call your sponsor, work the steps, cuddle with your HP, (Let go and Let God?), Keep coming back.
I think that this board (like an alanon meeting) serves several purposes. One is that of a safe place to vent. Many of us have been wrapped up in denial for so long, have been so isolated and ashamed, that we have never spoken the truth of our lives out loud to another person. For people in that state, coming here and saying "He's a drunk and here's what he did and I am so MAD" is tremendously liberating. It's an important early step towards the program.
Something very like this happened in my f2f meeting last night. Since it was the first meeting of September we were talking about amends, step nine. Lots of very inspirational shares, mostly from people with some time in the program, who have let go of much of their rage and resentment, and are working on making amends to the A in their lives. Then it was the turn of the newest member of our group. Her share was a recital of what her weekend had been like - he got drunk, she went looking for him, they fought, she punished him - very different from what we had all been talking about. It was almost a shock to listen to her anger and resentment and pain in that room full of recovery. And then she said "the next day I called my daughter and told her about it, and told her I was going to alanon. She said 'good for you, mom'. I've never talked to her about it before, I always just pretended that nothing was happening." Hearing that she has made that much change in her life, since coming to the program, made it possible for me to say to her, with perfect sincerity "Good for you - opening up like that is such a big step, and so hard to do".
We are all at different stages in our recovery. Many new members are floundering in resentment and self pity - of course they are, I remember when I was, and sometimes I still am! We have to be open to all aspects of the progam , and to people in all stages of recovery, if we are to do any good here.
Of course I agree that it is important to point those in despair towards the fundamentals of the program. We need to remember, though, that this place is often the first stop for someone looking for help. If they get some here, they will be moved to attend f2f meetings. If they don't, they may well just give up on the program without even finding out what it really is. There is no point in making people feel that they don't belong because they don't yet go to f2f meetings, don't have a sponsor, aren't really working the steps yet, etc. Our part is more to encourage them, by 'attraction rather than promotion' - that is, we have something they want, and they are willing to go to any lengths to get it
